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      Tõnn Sarv

      Don't take anything personally

      Third edition

      of the book previously titled

      'How to be'

      All rights reserved

      © Tõnn Sarv 2019

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic or electronic process or in the form of phonographic recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or otherwise be copied for public or private use – other than for ‘fair use’ as brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews – without prior written permission of the author.

      The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, the author assumes no responsibility for your actions.

      ISBN 978-9949-88-958-7 (epub)

      How to become better

      No one’s perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s not that I’m the one and only who’s always right and honest, and everyone else is guilty, wrong, a liar and a cheat.

      Oh no, I’m sure I’ve made mistakes too. Surely someone has had to suffer because of me, to be offended, to depend on me and be let down, to endure losses, and perhaps at the time I didn’t realise or understand it myself. Who, then, would say such a thing to you in hindsight? Rather, he holds a fist in his pocket and when the opportunity comes, he pays you back.

      Yes, it’s all about people. You smile and they are smiling, you forgive me and I forgive you, I apologise and they apologise to me.

      Well, it sounds good, but it doesn’t necessarily get any better if we get better, as everyone finds out at least once in their lifetime. You do good for someone, but there’s no way out of it, and maybe you will abused. And so the desire to get better disappears, for what if it doesn’t work and nobody cares?

      People’s rigidity and maliciousness beset us, and this can be mutually grating. It’s not going to make any difference, it will just get worse and that’s all there is to it, the evil and the rigidity keep deepening.

      Yet there are a number of ways to escape from this vicious circle. It is enough just to take the initiative and tone down your own self-sustaining self-justifications. Why should I be right about everything? How can it be that everyone is wrong, but not me?

      So, it’s enough to admit that I can be stupid about some things; it’s a very big step in the right direction.

      But what’s stopping me? Fear, fright and false pride. As if by only daring to admit I was lost, I would lose something important, lose myself, shatter my peace of mind.

      Actually, it is, of course, the opposite. The less we justify ourselves, the more leniently we approach ourselves, the more peaceful we are, and peace of mind comes.

      Acknowledging your own mistakes is only the first step. Because if I’ve been seen to do something wrong once, it’s probably happened several times. Not only the doing, but also the undone, the neglected, the lack of attention, even forgetting may be quite a mistake. Cheating on someone’s hopes may sometimes be a crime.

      You already know how to ask yourself, what’s been my greatest mistake or error? Or perhaps the question should be, what’s been my worst act, my greatest fault? How many have had to suffer because of me?

      You don’t have to start looking for self-justifications again, you don’t have to have a sense of regret or blame yourself. It’s enough to admit it to yourself, to understand that, yes, I was wrong, I did the wrong thing, I caused the suffering. You don’t have to stay on your knees, to suffer for it, to blame yourself and to punish, to apologise and to excuse. There’s nothing more you can do about it anyway, and you can’t change the past.

      These are the first steps to getting better: understanding, realisation, recognition. This will lead to a release, and more will follow, and it may eventually go far enough to bring you more confidence, friendliness, love, joy and even happiness.

      That’s how to become better.

      The power of way

      We’re all on the way, but we’re built so we can’t see it. We don’t know what the future will bring; we can only imagine it, based on our own experiences and memories. Time is moving in only one direction for us, against us. Arrival is only seen when it has already arrived; we only see what is already in hand and over. We know what has been, and on the basis of this knowledge we are also trying to foresee the future and to make good decisions. Alas, mostly it doesn’t work.

      In the future, things may not be the same as they have been so far. We know that, but yet we believe that perhaps things will still be the same as we are accustomed and adapted to. Just in case, we look at horoscopes and other predictions, not that we really believe them, but still...

      Maybe something’s changing, maybe something’s going to happen, maybe we should do something differently, maybe that’s what someone else thinks and we believe them.

      And then maybe we’ll do something that we wouldn’t have otherwise done, change something that might not have been worth the change.

      Laozi:

      Foresight is a blossom on the way,

      But also the beginning of stupidity.

      It’s like we’re sitting in a moving vehicle, but facing backwards. We only see the part of the road that has already passed. We have a steering wheel with which we can change the direction of our movement, of our own free will, but we will still only be able to decide which way to go on the basis of the path we have already travelled, only by the past.

      For this purpose, our own experiences, lessons learned and memories count. If our current path in life is more or less smooth, we believe that we can go ahead without much concern, without altering anything, not turning the wheel.

      But how do we know that? Maybe there’s a roadblock in the way, maybe the road will end very soon or turn off somewhere? We can’t foresee it and we’re going to get a little worried.

      Laozi:

      Deviation is feared

      by whom it seems too easy.

      On the contrary, if life seems to be going the wrong way and everything is miserable, we want to start changing something, we start struggling, looking for new directions, rethinking. In fact, both good and bad roads are the same: these are our own perceptions. They don’t need to be taken seriously, and there’s no need to worry about them.

      Laozi:

      The least wisdom is enough

      to stay on the right way.

      Sometimes it seems as though life is hopeless. We are troubled, confused, we misunderstand, every move hurts, everything seems wrong, everything looks bad. But we know there’s got to be a good and right way somewhere, and all we need to do is get there.

      What to do? Can you hold yourself together quietly until you get out of nowhere, or try to change direction again in the hope that maybe you can get onto an easier path? Nobody knows, but there’s always something left.

      Laozi:

      Way vanish, might remains.

      There are many ways: some are longer, some are more obsolete, some are more awkward, some are branching, some go into a thicket.