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English as She is Wrote / Showing Curious Ways in which the English Language may be made to Convey Ideas or obscure them
Prefatory
"Anybody," said an astute lawyer, addressing the jury to whom the opposing counsel had reflected upon inaccuracies in the spelling of his brief—"anybody can write English correctly, but surely a man may be allowed to spell a word in two or three different ways if he likes!" This was a claim for independence of action which so commended itself to the jury that it won a verdict for his client. The same plea may be considered in regard to the truly wonderful way in which the mother-tongue is often written, by the educated sometimes as well as by the uneducated.
A man, it may be urged, has a right to spell as he chooses, and to express his ideas, when he has any, as best he can; while, when he suffers from a dearth of those rare articles, he has still more reason to rejoice in liberty of choice in respect to the language he selects to cover his poverty of thought. Hence there are doubtless good and sufficient reasons for every specimen of "English as she is wrote," which it is the object of this little book to rescue from oblivion, and which have, one and all, been written with the sober conviction, upon the part of the writers, that they accurately conveyed the meaning they desired. Intentionally humorous efforts have been carefully excluded, and the interest of the collection consists in the spontaneity of expression and in the fact that it offers fair samples of the possibilities which lie hidden in the orthography and construction of our language. Let it be remembered, then, that anybody can write English as she "should be wrote," and hence that a certain meed of admiration is due to those who, exercising their right of independent action, succeed in making it at once original and racy, and in conveying, without the least effort, meanings totally opposed to their intention, affording thereby admirable examples of English as "she is wrote" by thousands.
I.By the Inaccurate
In the account of an inaugural ceremony it was asserted that "the procession was very fine, and nearly two miles long, as was also the report of Dr. Perry, the chaplain."
A Western paper says: "A child was run over by a wagon three years old, and cross-eyed, with pantalets on, which never spoke afterward."
Here is some descriptive evidence of personal peculiarities:
"A fellow was arrested with short hair."
"I saw a man digging a well with a Roman nose."
"A house was built by a mason of brown stone."
"Wanted—A room by two gentlemen thirty feet long and twenty feet wide."
"A man from Africa called to pay his compliments tall and dark-complexioned."
"I perceived that it had been scoured with half an eye."
A sea-captain once asserted that his "vessel was beautifully painted with a tall mast."
In an account of travels we are assured that "a pearl was found by a sailor in a shell."
A bill presented to a farmer ran thus: "To hanging two barn doors and myself, 4s. 6d."
A store-keeper assures his customers that "the longest time and easiest terms are given by any other house in the city."
Here is a curious evidence of philanthropy: "A wealthy gentleman will adopt a little boy with a small family."
A parochial report states that "the town farm-house and almshouse have been carried on the past year to our reasonable satisfaction, especially the almshouse, at which there have been an unusual amount of sickness and three deaths."
A Kansas paper thus ends a marriage notice: "The couple left for the East on the night train where they will reside."
In the account of a shipwreck we find the following: "The captain swam ashore. So did the chambermaid; she was insured for a large sum and loaded with pig-iron."
A notice at the entrance to a bridge asserts that "any person driving over this bridge in a faster pace than a walk shall, if a white person be fined five dollars, and if a negro receive twenty-five lashes, half the penalty to be bestowed on the informer."
The following notice appeared on the west end of a country meeting-house: "Anybody sticking bills against this church will be prosecuted according to law or any other nuisance."
A gushing but ungrammatical editor says: "We have received a basket of fine grapes from our friend –, for which he will please accept our compliments, some of which are nearly one inch in diameter."
On the panel under the letter-receiver of the General Post-Office, Dublin, these words are printed: "Post here letters too late for the next mail."
An Ohio farmer is said to have the following warning posted conspicuously on his premises: "If any man's or woman's cows or oxen gits in this here oats his or her tail will be cut off, as the case may be."
A lady desired to communicate by electricity to her husband in the city the size of an illuminated text which she had promised for the Sunday-school room. When the order reached him it read, "Unto us a child is born, nine feet long by two feet wide."
A farmer who wished to enter some of his live-stock at an agricultural exhibition, in the innocence of his heart, but with more truth in his words than he dreamed of, wrote to the committee, saying, "Enter me for one jackass."
An Irishman complained to his physician that "he stuffed him so much with drugs that he was ill a long time after he got well."
A correspondent of a New York paper described Mr. C.'s journey to Washington to attend "the dying bedside of his mother."
A dealer in engravings announced: "'Scotland Forever.' A Cavalry Charge after Elizabeth Thompson Butler, just published."
A Western paper says that "a fine new school-house has just been finished in that town capable of accommodating three hundred students four stories high."
A coroner's verdict read thus: "The deceased came to his death by excessive drinking, producing apoplexy in the minds of the jury."
An old edition of Morse's geography declares that "Albany has four hundred dwelling-houses and twenty-four hundred inhabitants, all standing with their gable-ends to the street."
A member of a school committee writes, "We have two school-rooms sufficiently large to accommodate three hundred pupils, one above the other."
A Harrisburg paper, answering a correspondent on a question of etiquette, says: "When a gentleman and lady are walking upon the street, the lady should walk inside of the gentleman."
A clergyman writes, "A young woman died in my neighborhood yesterday, while I was preaching the gospel in a beastly state of intoxication."
A certain friendly society, which was also a sort of mutual insurance organization, had this among its printed notices to the members: "In the event of your death, you are requested to bring your book, policy, and certificate at once to Mr. –, when your claims will have immediate attention."
A New York paper, describing a funeral in Jersey City, says: "At the ferry four friends of the deceased took possession of the carriage and followed the remains to Evergreen Cemetery, where they were quietly interred in a new lot without service or ceremony." The devotion of the friends of the deceased was certainly remarkable, but one can not help wondering what became of the remains.
A newspaper gives an account of a man who "was driving an old ox when he became angry and kicked him, hitting his jawbone with such force as to break his leg." "We have been fairly wild ever since we read the paper," writes a contemporary, "to know who or which got angry at whom or what, and if the ox kicked the man's jaw with such force as to break the ox's leg, or how it is. Or did the man kick the ox in the jawbone with such force as to break the ox's leg, and, if so, which leg? It's one of those things which no man can find out, save only the man who kicked or was being kicked, as the case may be."
One of Sir Boyle Roche's invitations to an Irish nobleman was rather equivocal. He wrote, "I hope, my lord, if you ever come within a mile of my house you will stay there all night."
A German tourist expresses himself in regard