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      INNOCENTS ABROAD

       by Mark Twain

       [From an 1869--1st Edition]

       CONTENTS

       CHAPTER I.

       Popular Talk of the Excursion--Programme of the Trip--Duly Ticketed for the Excursion--Defection of the Celebrities

       CHAPTER II.

       Grand Preparations--An Imposing Dignitary--The European Exodus

       --Mr. Blucher's Opinion--Stateroom No. 10--The Assembling of the Clans

       --At Sea at Last

       CHAPTER III.

       "Averaging" the Passengers--Far, far at Sea.--Tribulation among the Patriarchs--Seeking Amusement under Difficulties--Five Captains in the Ship

       CHAPTER IV.

       1

       The Pilgrims Becoming Domesticated--Pilgrim Life at Sea

       --"Horse-Billiards"--The "Synagogue"--The Writing School--Jack's "Journal"

       --The "Q. C. Club"--The Magic Lantern--State Ball on Deck--Mock Trials

       --Charades--Pilgrim Solemnity--Slow Music--The Executive Officer Delivers

       an Opinion

       CHAPTER V.

       Summer in Mid-Atlantic--An Eccentric Moon--Mr. Blucher Loses Confidence

       --The Mystery of "Ship Time"--The Denizens of the Deep--"Land Hoh"

       --The First Landing on a Foreign Shore--Sensation among the Natives

       --Something about the Azores Islands--Blucher's Disastrous Dinner

       --The Happy Result

       CHAPTER VI.

       Solid Information--A Fossil Community--Curious Ways and Customs

       --Jesuit Humbuggery--Fantastic Pilgrimizing--Origin of the Russ Pavement

       --Squaring Accounts with the Fossils--At Sea Again

       CHAPTER VII.

       A Tempest at Night--Spain and Africa on Exhibition--Greeting a Majestic Stranger--The Pillars of Hercules--The Rock of Gibraltar--Tiresome Repetition--"The Queen's Chair"--Serenity Conquered--Curiosities of

       the Secret Caverns--Personnel of Gibraltar--Some Odd Characters

       --A Private Frolic in Africa--Bearding a Moorish Garrison (without loss of life)--Vanity Rebuked--Disembarking in the Empire of Morocco

       CHAPTER VIII.

       The Ancient City of Tangier, Morocco--Strange Sights--A Cradle of

       Antiquity--We become Wealthy--How they Rob the Mail in Africa--The Danger

       2

       of being Opulent in Morocco

       CHAPTER IX.

       A Pilgrim--in Deadly Peril--How they Mended the Clock--Moorish

       Punishments for Crime--Marriage Customs--Looking Several ways for Sunday

       --Shrewd, Practice of Mohammedan Pilgrims--Reverence for Cats--Bliss of being a Consul-General

       CHAPTER X.

       Fourth of July at Sea--Mediterranean Sunset--The "Oracle" is Delivered

       of an Opinion--Celebration Ceremonies--The Captain's Speech--France in

       Sight--The Ignorant Native--In Marseilles--Another Blunder--Lost in the Great City--Found Again--A Frenchy Scene

       CHAPTER XI.

       Getting used to it--No Soap--Bill of Fare, Table d'hote--"An American

       Sir"--A Curious Discovery--The "Pilgrim" Bird--Strange Companionship

       --A Grave of the Living--A Long Captivity--Some of Dumas' Heroes--Dungeon of the Famous "Iron Mask."

       CHAPTXR XII.

       A Holiday Flight through France--Summer Garb of the Landscape--Abroad on the Great Plains--Peculiarities of French Cars--French Politeness American Railway Officials--"Twenty Mnutes to Dinner!"--Why there

       are no Accidents--The "Old Travellers"--Still on the Wing--Paris at

       Last----French Order and Quiet--Place of the Bastile--Seeing the Sights

       --A Barbarous Atrocity--Absurd Billiards

       CHAPTER XIII.

       3

       More Trouble--Monsieur Billfinger--Re-Christening the Frenchman--In the Clutches of a Paris Guide--The International Exposition--Fine Military Review--Glimpse of the Emperor Napoleon and the Sultan of Turkey

       CHAPTER XIV.

       The Venerable Cathedral of Notre-Dame--Jean Sanspeur's Addition

       --Treasures and Sacred Relics--The Legend of the Cross--The Morgue--The

       Outrageious 'Can-Can'--Blondin Aflame--The Louvre Palace--The Great Park

       --Showy Pageantry--Preservation of Noted Things

       CHAPTER XV.

       French National Burying--Ground--Among the Great Dead--The Shrine of Disappointed Love--The Story of Abelard and Heloise--"English Spoken Here"--"American Drinks Compounded Here"--Imperial Honors to an American--The Overestimated Grisette--Departure from Paris--A Deliberate Opinion Concerning the Comeliness of American Women

       CHAPTER XVI.

       Versailles--Paradise Regained--A Wonderful Park--Paradise Lost

       --Napoleonic Strategy

       CHAPTER XVII.

       War--The American Forces Victorious--" Home Again"--Italy in Sight

       The "City of Palaces"--Beauty of the Genoese Women--The "Stub-Hunters"

       --Among the Palaces--Gifted Guide--Church Magnificence--"Women not Admitted"--How the Genoese Live--Massive Architecture--A Scrap of Ancient History--Graves for 60,000

       CHAPTER XVIII.

       4

       Flying Through Italy--Marengo--First Glimpse of the Famous Cathedral

       --Description of some of its Wonders--A Horror Carved in Stone----An Unpleasant Adventure--A Good Man--A Sermon from the Tomb--Tons of Gold and Silver--Some More Holy Relics--Solomon's Temple

       CHAPTER XIX

       "Do You Wiz zo Haut can be?"--La Scala--Petrarch and Laura--Lucrezia Borgia--Ingenious Frescoes--Ancient Roman Amphitheatre--A Clever Delusion--Distressing Billiards--The Chief Charm of European Life--An Italian Bath--Wanted: Soap--Crippled French--Mutilated English--The Most Celebrated Painting in the World--Amateur Raptures--Uninspired Critics

       --Anecdote--A Wonderful Echo--A Kiss for a Franc

       CHAPTER XX

       Rural Italy by Rail--Fumigated, According to Law--The Sorrowing

       Englishman--Night by the Lake of Como--The Famous Lake--Its Scenery

       --Como compared with Tahoe--Meeting a Shipmate

       CHAPTER XXI.

       The Pretty Lago di Lecco--A Carriage Drive in the Country--Astonishing Sociability in a Coachman--Sleepy Land--Bloody Shrines--The Heart and Home of Priestcraft--A Thrilling Mediaeval Romance--The Birthplace of Harlequin--Approaching Venice

       CHAPTER XXII.

       Night in Venice--The "Gay Gondolier"--The Grand Fete by Moonlight

       --The Notable Sights of Venice--The Mother of the Republics Desolate

       CHANTER XXIII.

       5

       The Famous Gondola--The Gondola in an Unromantic Aspect--The Great Square of St. Mark and the Winged Lion--Snobs, at Home and Abroad--Sepulchres of

       the Great Dead--A Tilt at the "Old Masters"--A Contraband Guide

       --The Conspiracy--Moving Again

       CHAPTER XXIV.

       Down Through