Трое в лодке, не считая собаки / Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog). Джером Клапка ДжеромЧитать онлайн книгу.
going in, and then should turn round and come out again. They said it was very kind of him, and followed.
People who had given up all hopes of ever getting either in or out,[45] joined the procession, blessing him. Harris said there were about twenty people, following him; and one woman with a baby, who took his arm, for fear of losing him.
Harris kept on turning to the right, but it seemed a long way, and his cousin said he supposed it was a very big maze.
“Oh, one of the largest in Europe,” said Harris. “Yes, it must be,” replied the cousin, “because we’ve walked a good two miles already.”
Harris began to think it rather strange himself. At last, they passed the piece of a cake that Harris’s cousin had noticed there seven minutes ago. Harris said, “Oh, impossible!” but the woman with the baby said, “Not at all,” as she herself had taken it from the child, and thrown it down there, just before she met Harris. She also added that she wished she never had met Harris, and expressed an opinion that he was an impostor. That made Harris mad, and he showed her his map, and explained his theory.
“The map may be all right enough,” said one of the party, “if you know where we are now.”
Harris didn’t know, and suggested that the best thing to do would be to go back to the entrance, and begin again. So everybody turned, and went, in the opposite direction. About ten minutes more passed, and then they found themselves in the centre.
Anyhow, they knew where they were, and the thing seemed simpler than ever, and off they started for the third time.
And three minutes later they were back in the centre again.
After that, whatever way they turned brought them back to the middle. Harris said that he had become unpopular.
They had to wait till one of the old keepers came back from his dinner before they got out.
Harris said he thought it was a very fine maze, and we agreed that we would try to get George to go into it, on our way back.
Chapter VII
It was while passing through Moulsey Lock[46] that Harris told me about his maze experience. It took us some time to pass through, as we were the only boat, and it is a big lock.
I have stood and watched it. The river affords a good opportunity for dress. For once in a way, we men are able to show our taste in colours. I always like a little red in my things – red and black. You know my hair is golden brown, and a dark red matches it beautifully. I like a red silk handkerchief round the waist – a handkerchief looks so much better than a belt.
Harris always keeps to shades or mixtures of orange or yellow, but I don’t think he is at all wise in this. His complexion is too dark for yellows. Yellows don’t suit him: there can be no question about it. I want him to take to blue as a background, with white or cream; but the less taste a person has in dress, the more obstinate he is.
George has bought some new things for this trip. But his blazer is loud.[47] He brought it home and showed it to us on Thursday evening. We asked him what colour he called it, and he said he didn’t know. He didn’t think there was a name for the colour. The seller had told him it was an Oriental design. George put it on, and asked us what we thought of it. Harris said that it is perfect to frighten the birds away. What troubles Harris and myself, is that this blazer will attract attention to the boat.
Harris wanted to get out at Hampton Church, to go and see Mrs. Thomas’s tomb.
“Who is Mrs. Thomas?” I asked.
“How should I know?” replied Harris. “She’s a lady that’s got a funny tomb, and I want to see it.”
I objected. Harris, however, adores tombs, and graves, and epitaphs, and monumental inscriptions, and the thought of not seeing Mrs. Thomas’s grave made him crazy. He said he had looked forward to seeing Mrs. Thomas’s grave from the first moment that the trip was proposed.
I reminded him of George, and how we had to get the boat up to Shepperton. George was working at the bank there and he had to join us later.
“I never see him doing any work there,” said Harris. “He sits behind a bit of glass all day, trying to look as if he was doing something. What use is he there, and what’s the good of their banks? If he was here, we could go and see that tomb. I don’t believe he’s at the bank at all. I’m going to get out, and have a drink.”
It is always best to let Harris say everything he wants. Then he pumps himself out,[48] and is quiet afterwards.
I reminded him that there was concentrated lemonade in the hamper, and a gallon-jar of water in the nose of the boat, and we could mix them and make a cool and refreshing beverage.
Then he said those beverages produced dyspepsia, and ruined body and soul alike, and were the cause of half the crime in England.
He added he must drink something, however, and climbed upon the seat, and began to look for the bottle. It was right at the bottom of the hamper, and seemed difficult to find, and he had to lean over further and further, and, he pulled the wrong line, and sent the boat into the bank, and the shock upset him, and he dived down right into the hamper, and stood there on his head. He dared not move for fear of going over,[49] and had to stay there till I could get hold of his legs, and take him back, and that made him madder than ever.
Chapter VIII
We stopped under the willows, and lunched. It is a pretty little spot there: a pleasant grass plateau with willows. We had just commenced the third course – the bread and jam – when a gentleman came along, and wanted to know if we knew that we were trespassing.[50] We said we did not know, but we could believe him.
We thanked him, but he still hung about, and seemed to be dissatisfied, so we asked him if there was anything further that we could do for him; and Harris offered him a bit of bread and jam.
The man said that it was his duty to turn us off. He would go and consult his master, and then come back.
Of course, we never saw him any more, and, of course, all he really wanted was a shilling. Harris said he not only wanted to kill the man but sing comic songs[51] on the ruins of his house.
You have never heard Harris sing a comic song. It is one of Harris’s fixed ideas that he can sing a comic song. The fixed idea, on the contrary, among those of Harris’s friends who have heard him try, is that he can’t and never will be able to.
When Harris is at a party, and is asked to sing, he replies: “Well, I can only sing a comic song, you know;” and he shows that is a thing that you ought to hear once, and then die.
“Oh, that is nice,” says the hostess. “Do sing one, Mr. Harris”; and Harris gets up, and comes to the piano.
“Now, silence, please, everybody”, says the hostess, turning round. “Mr. Harris is going to sing a comic song!”
“Oh, how jolly!” they murmur; and they hurry in, and come up from the stairs, and crowd into the drawing-room, and sit round.
Then Harris begins.
Well, you expect a wonderful voice for a comic song. You don’t expect correct phrasing or vocalization. But you do expect the words. You don’t – well, I will just give you an idea of Harris’s comic singing, and then you can judge of it for yourself.
HARRIS (standing up in front of piano and addressing the expectant mob): “I’m afraid it’s a very old thing, you know. I expect you all know it, you know. But it’s the only thing I know. It’s the Judge’s song – no, I don’t mean it – I mean – you know what I mean – the other thing, you
had given up all hopes of ever getting either in or out – оставили всякую надежду выйти или войти
Moulsey Lock – Маулсейский шлюз
his blazer is loud – у него кричащая спортивная куртка
he pumps himself out – он выдыхается
for fear of going over – от страха полететь в воду
we were trespassing – мы нарушили границу чужих владений
comic songs – комические куплеты