Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improve Your Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress. John GrayЧитать онлайн книгу.
and inspiration in life.
To resolve this source of conflict, men and women need to understand each other better. Men need to recognize what women are going through. A woman already feels enough internal pressure about domestic order. Any extra pressure from him can easily push her over the edge. At the same time, women need to recognize and understand what men can and cannot do to be more supportive.
How to Ask for a Man’s Support
Most men are pitching in more with domestic duties when their wives work outside the home to provide for the family. For two-career couples, if the man is not helping out enough, the answer is to ask for his help in very specific ways instead of criticizing and rejecting him. Do not just expect a man to see everything that a woman might think needs to be done, and then to take action. Routine jobs around the house are not urgent in a man’s estimation.
One approach that works most of the time is to ask for his help in specific terms. Men love projects. Projects are specific. They have a beginning and an end. He can determine what he is going to do, how he is going to do it, and most important, when he is going to do it. Men will often do what they consider is most important first. When given a project to accomplish, he also senses that his efforts will not be taken for granted. All these ingredients help to give him energy and motivation. Here are some examples of how a woman can ask for a man’s support in specific instead of general terms:
If she is tired that night, she can say, “Would you please make dinner tonight, or pick up some takeout?”
If there are piles of laundry, she can say, “Would you help me fold this laundry tonight?”
If she doesn’t feel like cleaning up the kitchen, she can say, “Would you do the dishes tonight, please? I need to take a break.” Or if she wants help with the dishes, instead of just expecting him to pitch in, she can simply say, “Would you bring over the plates?” or “Would you wash the pots and pans tonight? I would really appreciate the help.”
If she needs something from the grocery store, instead of doing it herself, she could ask, “Would you please drive to the grocery and pick up these items on this list?”
In each of these examples she is giving him a project that has a beginning and an end. Men tend to work best on projects rather than in routines, since routines have no clear beginning or end. When a man is tired, a domestic routine is rarely a priority, as it is for a woman. Even if he is tired, a project with a definite end point or solution will give him extra energy, particularly if a woman’s tone of voice or facial expression while making the request indicates that she will appreciate the result of his actions. When he does something to help her rather than because she expects or thinks he should do it, he then feels closer to her and is more willing to help out in the future. This willingness, based on satisfying many of her little requests or projects, actually gives him more energy at home to provide even more support. Eventually, he will get in the habit of helping more and more.
Men tend to work best on projects rather than in routines.
Realistic Expectations Lead to Real Love
Most men are not equipped to be the domestic/communicative/romantic partners women fantasize about. Although some men attempt to fulfill that fantasy, in the end both partners become frustrated and disappointed. He may try for years, but eventually he runs out of steam. Some men try during the dating stage and then give up, because they can’t continue to meet their partner’s expectations. When this is the case, a man may suddenly lose interest and not even know why. He is just not that interested in her, not because she is not right for him, but because he is trying to meet unrealistic expectations. Lucky is the woman who is able to appreciate what a man can offer, for she continues to get more and more.
A man loses interest when he senses that he can’t continue to meet a woman’s expectations.
Likewise, most women are not equipped to be the domestic/communicative/romantic partners men want. It is unrealistic for a man to expect a woman to create a beautiful home without help and appreciation, always to be in a good mood, never to be needy, and to be romantically available at all times. Many women try to fulfill this fantasy but feel cheated and betrayed when their partners do not return their love.
When men begin to understand a woman’s new needs, they are naturally motivated to help out more. Men who make this change must make sure that they take the time they need for themselves as well; otherwise they will both end up overwhelmed and exhausted. Lucky is the man who is able to meet his own needs and then respond to a woman’s need for help around the house, good communication, and regular romance, for he comes home to a happy woman.
Fortunately, reality is much more wonderful than fantasy. We seek real love, and if we have the right expectations, we can find it. Together we can make small but significant changes to support each other more effectively. Adjusting, updating, and correcting our expectations can free us from feeling victimized or powerless to get what we need.
In addition, these new insights about our differences help us to recognize and remember the real problem: increasing stress. Instead of blaming our partners, we can blame stress. It is often a mistake to conclude we are too different to make a relationship work. The truth is, stress can drive a wedge between us. By learning how to support ourselves and our partners at times of greater stress, we can learn to lower stress levels. When stress is removed from the formula, our differences are never a problem. When stress is reduced, our differences are a major source of fulfillment.
When stress is gone, our differences are never a problem.
Men and women don’t complain about their partners when they are feeling good. Problems and demands emerge when we are under stress. Our unrealistic expectations surface when we attempt to get our partner’s help to lower our stress. With a new understanding of how men and women experience and cope with stress differently, we can address the real problem in relationships today.
The problem is never just our partner, but our own inability to cope with stress. When we learn how we can deal with stress more effectively and help our partners cope, the grip of our unrealistic demands is easily released. We are then able to enjoy the feelings of acceptance, trust, and appreciation. It is only then that our relationships can thrive.
The problem is never just our partner but our own inability to cope with stress.
If a man was to yield to the pressure of a woman’s unrealistic expectations, he could become a domestic partner, but within a few years all the romance and passion would be gone. When a man becomes more like a woman in a relationship, he will inevitably become overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed.
To yield to a woman’s unrealistic expectations will eventually exhaust a man.
This role reversal can easily put a damper on romantic feelings. If a man becomes more feminine, the attraction she felt for him in the beginning is lost. Instead of becoming more sensitive, men need to become sensitive to the needs of women. This is what women are really looking for from a man. Certainly a man can be sensitive, but to meet her needs, he must consider her needs and not just his own.
Instead of becoming more sensitive, men need to become sensitive to the needs of women.
When a man displays a greater sensitivity regarding his own needs and feelings, a woman begins to experience maternal feelings rather than sexual attraction. Instead of feeling cared for, she feels her motherly instinct to care for him. Though this feels loving, it does not promote romantic feelings. On the other hand, when a woman displays sensitivity with appreciation and trust for a man’s support, it dramatically increases his sexual interest in her. A woman’s sensitivity, which gives her the ability to enjoy and appreciate the little things in life, is a major turn-on to men.
A woman’s sensitivity, which gives her the ability to enjoy and appreciate the little things in life, is a major turn-on to men.
With new insights about what women need, a man can help a woman cope with stress without increasing his own stress. A man can give the domestic/communicative/romantic