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God, but it had been so exciting. And it had made her so angry. She was still angry. Angry and on edge, and desperate for one of the cocktails to which George had introduced her. And another of those passionate kisses …
These weeks in London had opened Amber’s eyes to so much, she thought as her partner thanked her for their dance and bowed. Her parents’ love for one another was still her ideal, but she recognised now that for most young women of Beth and Louise’s class the right husband was considered more important than love, especially by their families. The right marriage, a good marriage, was a necessity if they were to enjoy the position in society to which they had been born.
Diana Guinness, for instance, made no bones about how much she enjoyed her husband, Bryan’s, wealth. Without the advantage of a good marriage how were one’s sons and daughters to be provided for and their futures in turn secured? If the benefits of social advantage were not worth having, then why were so many mothers anxious to push their daughters up from the middle class, and why did society look down on them and mock them for their ambitions? Social privilege was a fiercely guarded territory and just as subtly out of bounds to those who did not have the right credentials to enter it as Lord Cadogan’s gardens were to those who could only stand and stare in through the iron railings.
To marry well might not be what she wanted, but she could understand now why so many girls did, Amber acknowledged ruefully, as she left the marquee to slip outside and make her way along one of the paths through the shadows of the garden so that she could enjoy the cool air.
Even Beth had confided to her that she was anxious not to disappoint her mother and that she hoped that by the end of the season she would have received an acceptable offer of marriage from someone she could grow to love.
Love. Amber didn’t want to think about love. It had been so wonderful to dance with Lord Robert. He was such fun and she felt so happy when she was with him, so free …
A movement beneath the trees caught her eye, as two figures emerged from the darker shadows. Something about the stiffness of their bodies told her that there was discord of some kind between them, and so she held back, not wanting to intrude. She realised with a jolt that it was Lord Robert and Ralph Seaforde.
Seaforde said something to Lord Robert, and then started to walk away from him, but Lord Robert went after him, catching hold of his arm to stay him. At first Ralph Seaforde shrugged him off but then Lord Robert stepped in front of him blocking his path.
It was obvious now that they were quarrelling, even though Amber couldn’t hear what was being said. And then suddenly, so suddenly and so shockingly that Amber could not believe what she was seeing, Lord Robert reached out to Seaforde and embraced him, taking him into his arms and holding him, kissing him on the lips. As though he were kissing a woman and not another man …
Amber recoiled in disbelief, wanting to look away and yet unable to do so. Surely she could not be seeing what she was seeing? It wasn’t possible! She must be wrong, must have misunderstood. But she knew she had not done. She blinked, her eyes dry and sore as though somehow what she had seen had burned them. There was a horrible miserable feeling in the pit of her stomach. All she wanted to do was blot out what she had seen and get away, but as she moved, Amber heard Lord Robert call out her name. He must have seen her!
She panicked. She couldn’t stay to speak to him, not after what she had seen. She turned, running blindly through the darkness, her heart pounding.
He caught up with her within a few yards, taking hold of her arm and telling her urgently, ‘Amber, I’m so sorry. What you saw … You won’t understand.’
‘You’re wrong, I do understand,’ she told him almost fiercely, before wrenching her arm free and hurrying towards the lights of the marquee.
This time he didn’t follow her and she told herself that she was glad.
Of course she had understood. She wasn’t a complete fool, no matter what he might have thought. Greg had told her about ‘it’ in that boastful way of schoolboys towards younger relatives, and wanting, of course, both to shock her and show off his own newly acquired knowledge. She had been shocked and disbelieving then, but now she understood. Robert was one of those men who preferred his own sex.
How silly she had been for so nearly falling in love with him. And it had only been nearly, Amber told herself firmly. Nearly, that was all. Nothing more. So there was no reason for her to feel so humiliated. As her grandmother had felt humiliated when Barrant de Vries had rejected her? To her own surprise Amber felt tears stinging her eyes at the thought of her grandmother as a hurt and vulnerable young girl. Had Blanche ever been that? If so, it certainly didn’t show now. If she had then Blanche had somehow grown a tough second skin to cover her sensitivity.
It was pointless her attributing sensitive feelings to her grandmother she may never have had or comparing herself with her, Amber told herself. Lord Robert had not rejected her. He had been kind to her. It was silly of her to feel such a painful sense of loss.
The band were still playing the same number that they had been playing as she left the marquee, the coloured paper lanterns were still throwing out their soft light, other girls were still giggling and flirting with their dance partners. None of that had changed and yet within her Amber knew that something had been altered for ever.
It wasn’t just because she could so easily have fallen in love with Lord Robert; it was more than that. Something inside her flinched from what she had seen. It could not be forgotten, though, any more than the wrong dye could be washed out of a piece of silk. A clever designer might be able to find a way to incorporate the dye into a new design and so disguise it, but it would never be hidden from their eyes, no matter how well concealed it might be from those who did not know.
How frightening love could be, and how painful. How confusing and difficult to understand. People were not always what they seemed. Poor Lord Robert, he had looked so anguished.
She felt so different now – older, somehow, and more grown up; stronger too, Amber recognised, because she must be strong, for her own sake. But how could she be strong when she felt so hurt; so betrayed? She had trusted Lord Robert and believed that they were friends, and yet all the time she thought she had known him she had not known him at all. That made her feel very alone. Lord Robert and the friendship she had believed they shared had become a symbol, a touchstone almost for her of her future and all that she hoped it might be. She had told him her dreams for that future, trusted him with them, believed that there was a special bond between them. But how could there be when she had not known something so important about him? She had not known him at all. All she had known was a chimera, a fiction. How could she ever trust her own judgement again?
Was this what growing up was? Learning not to trust others, learning not to rely on them or to accept them at face value? Learning to accept that where there was love there was also pain? Could she bear all of that? Sorrowfully and with a heavy heart Amber acknowledged that she must bear it.
Never again would she put her feelings on such open display, she promised herself. That Amber was gone. The Amber that would grow from her would be different; wiser, and less vulnerable. Less ready to trust so easily.
May 1930
The weeks were flying by so fast now, that Amber felt she barely had time to draw breath.
Under the strict chaperonage of the countess, she and Beth had attended luncheon parties, fashionable race meetings, afternoon teas and, of course, night after night of parties and coming-out balls.
A group of debs, including Beth and Amber, had even been taken to the Kit-Cat Club where they had all sat excitedly together, trying not to look too awed to see the Prince of Wales there with his entourage.
Amber had looked to see if she could see Lord Robert, even though she knew from Beth that he was visiting friends in Yorkshire. She hadn’t seen him since the night of the ball, and although she had tried not to do so, she still missed