13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. Amy MorinЧитать онлайн книгу.
opinion of you the power to determine who you are.
• “My mom makes me feel really bad about myself because she’s always so critical of me.” As an adult, are you obligated to listen to your mother make critical statements about you over and over? Just because she makes comments you don’t like, does it really have to lower your self-esteem?
• “I have to invite my in-laws over for dinner every Sunday night.” Do your in-laws really force you to do that or is that a choice you make because it’s important to your family?
Think before You React
Rachel brought her sixteen-year-old daughter to me for therapy because her daughter refused to listen to her. No matter what she told her daughter to do, she just wouldn’t do it. I asked Rachel how she reacted when her daughter refused to follow her directions. Out of exasperation, she told me, she yelled and argued with her. Each time her daughter said, “No!,” Rachel yelled, “Do it!”
Rachel didn’t realize it, but she was giving her daughter a lot of power. Every minute that she argued with her daughter was one more minute her daughter could put off cleaning her room. Each time she lost her temper, Rachel gave away some of her power. Instead of controlling her daughter’s behavior, Rachel was giving her daughter power to control her.
If someone says something you don’t like, and you yell or begin to argue, you give those words you don’t like even more power. Make a conscious choice to think about how you want to behave before you react to other people. Every time you lose your cool, you give that other person your power. Here are some strategies to help you stay calm when you’re tempted to react negatively:
• Take deep breaths. Frustration and anger cause physical reactions within the body—an increased rate of breathing, an elevated heart rate, and sweating to name a few. Taking slow, deep breaths can relax your muscles and decrease the physiological response, which in turn can decrease your emotional reactivity.
• Excuse yourself from the situation. The more emotional you feel, the less rational you’ll think. Learn to recognize your personal warning signs of anger—such as shaking or feeling flushed—and remove yourself from the situation before you lose your cool. This may mean saying, “I am not willing to talk about that right now,” or it may mean walking away.
• Distract yourself. Don’t try solving a problem or addressing an issue with someone when you’re feeling overly emotional. Instead, distract yourself with an activity, like walking or reading, to help you calm down. Getting your mind off what’s bothering you, even for a few minutes, can help you calm down so you can think more rationally.
Evaluate Feedback Critically
Not long before she released an album that sold over ten million copies, Madonna received a rejection letter from the president of Millennium Records that said, “The only thing missing from this project is the material.” Had Madonna allowed that letter to define her singing and songwriting abilities, she might have given up. But fortunately, she kept looking for opportunities in the music industry. Soon after that rejection letter, she landed a record deal that launched her career. Within a couple of decades, Madonna was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the bestselling female recording artist of all time. She holds numerous other records, including the top-touring female artist of all time, and she’s ranked second on the Billboard Hot 100 All-Time Top Artists—second only to the Beatles.
Almost every successful person likely has a similar story of rejection. In 1956, Andy Warhol tried to give one of his paintings to the Museum of Modern Art, but they declined to accept it even for free. Fast-forward to 1989, and his paintings had become so successful that he earned his own museum. The Andy Warhol Museum is the largest museum in the United States dedicated to a single artist. Clearly, everyone has an opinion, but successful people don’t allow one person’s opinion to define them.
Retaining your power is about evaluating feedback to determine if it has any validity. While criticism can sometimes open our eyes to how others perceive us so we can make positive change—a friend points out a bad habit, or a spouse helps you see your selfish behavior—at other times, criticism is a reflection of the critic. Angry people may choose to offer harsh criticism quite regularly just because it relieves their stress. Or individuals with low self-esteem may feel better about themselves only when they put other people down. So it’s important to really consider the source before making any decisions about how you want to proceed.
When you receive criticism or feedback from others, wait a beat before responding. If you’re upset or emotionally reactive, take the time to calm down. Then ask yourself these questions:
• What evidence is there that this is true? For example, if your boss says you are lazy, look for evidence of times when you haven’t worked very hard.
• What evidence do I have this isn’t true? Look for times when you have put in a lot of effort and have been a hard worker.
• Why might this person be giving me this feedback? Take a step back and see if you can find out why this person may be giving you negative feedback. Is it based on the small sampling of your behavior that the person has witnessed? For example, if your boss only watched you work on a day where you were coming down with the flu, she may decide that you aren’t very productive. Her conclusion may not be accurate.
• Do I want to change any of my behavior? There may be times where you choose to change your behavior because you agree with the other person’s criticism. For example, if your boss says you’re lazy, maybe you’ll decide that you haven’t been putting in as much effort at the office as you could. So you decide to start showing up early and staying late because it’s important to you to be a good worker. Just remember, though, that your boss isn’t forcing you to do anything different. You are choosing to create change because you want to, not because you have to.
Keep in mind that one person’s opinion of you doesn’t make it true. You can respectfully choose to disagree and move on without devoting time and energy into trying to change the other person’s mind.
Recognize Your Choices
There are very few things in life you have to do, but often we convince ourselves we don’t have a choice. Instead of saying, “I have to go to work tomorrow,” remind yourself that it’s a choice. If you choose not to go to work, there will be consequences. Perhaps you won’t get paid. Or maybe you’ll risk losing your job altogether. But it’s a choice.
Simply reminding yourself that you have a choice in everything you do, think, and feel can be very freeing. If you’ve spent most of your life feeling like a victim of your circumstances, it takes hard work to recognize that you have the power to create the kind of life you want to live.
Taking back Your Power will make You Stronger
You don’t get to be named one of the most powerful people in the world by giving away your power. Just ask Oprah Winfrey. She grew up in extreme poverty and was sexually abused by several people throughout her childhood. She bounced between living with her mother, father, and grandmother, and as a teenager, she frequently ran away from home. She became pregnant at age fourteen, but the infant died shortly after birth.
During her high school years, she began working at a local radio station. She worked her way through several media jobs, and eventually, she landed a job as a TV news anchor. But she was later fired from the position.
She didn’t allow one person’s opinion of her on-air suitability to stop her, however. She went on to create her own talk show and by the age of thirty-two, her show became a national hit. By the age of forty-one, she had a reported net worth of over $340 million. Oprah has started her own magazine, radio show, and TV network and has coauthored five books. She’s even won an Academy Award. She’s started a multitude of charities to help people in need, including a leadership academy for girls in South