Anna Karenina (Literature Classics Series). Leo TolstoyЧитать онлайн книгу.
I am not at all good. But tell me … Wait a bit, let us sit down again,’ said Kitty, making Varenka sit down on a garden seat beside her. ‘Tell me, is it possible that you are not offended at the thought that a man despised your love? That he did not wish … ?’
‘But he did not despise it; I believe that he loved me, but he was an obedient son …’
‘Yes, but if it had not been his mother’s doing, but his own?’ said Kitty, feeling that she had given away her secret and that her face, burning with a blush of shame, had already betrayed her.
‘Then he would have behaved badly and I should not regret him,’ replied Varenka, evidently conscious that they were now speaking not about her but about Kitty.
‘But the humiliation?’ said Kitty. ‘One cannot forget the humiliation, one cannot,’ and she remembered the look she gave Vronsky at the ball, when the music stopped.
‘Where is the humiliation? You did not do anything wrong?’
‘Worse than wrong, shameful.’
Varenka shook her head and put her hand on Kitty’s.
‘Shameful in what respect?’ she said. ‘You could not have told a man who was himself indifferent to you that you loved him?’
‘Of course not; I never said a single word, but he knew it. No, no; there are such things as looks and ways of behaving. If I live to be a hundred I shall never forget it.’
‘What does it matter? I don’t understand. The question is, do you love him now or not?’ said Varenka, calling everything by its plain name.
‘I hate him: and I cannot forgive myself.’
‘But what does it matter?’
‘The shame, the humiliation …’
‘Dear me, if every one were as sensitive as you are!’ said Varenka. ‘There is no girl who has not gone through the same sort of thing. And it is all so unimportant.’
‘Then what is important?’ asked Kitty, looking into her face with surprised curiosity.
‘Ah, many things are important,’ replied Varenka, not knowing what to say. But at that moment they heard the Princess’s voice from the window:
‘Kitty, it is getting chilly! Either take a shawl or come in.’
‘Yes, I really must be going!’ said Varenka, rising. ‘I have to look in at Madame Berthe’s; she asked me to.’
Kitty held her hands, and with passionate curiosity and entreaty questioned Varenka with her eyes: ‘What — what is more important? What gives you such peace? You know, tell me!’ But Varenka did not even understand what Kitty’s eyes were asking. She only knew that she had to call on Madame Berthe and get home in time for Mama’s midnight tea. She went in, collected her music, and having said good-night to everybody, prepared to go.
‘Allow me to see you home,’ said the Colonel.
‘Yes, how can you go alone at this time of night?’ agreed the Princess. ‘I will at any rate send Parasha with you.’
Kitty noticed that Varenka had difficulty in suppressing a smile at the idea that she needed anyone to see her home.
‘Oh no, I always go out alone and nothing ever happens to me,’ she said, taking up her hat. And kissing Kitty again, but without telling her what was most important, she went out with vigorous steps with her music under her arm, and disappeared in the semi-darkness of the summer night, carrying with her the secret of what was important, and to what she owed her enviable tranquillity and dignity.
Chapter 33
KITTY also became acquainted with Madame Stahl, and this acquaintanceship, together with Varenka’s friendship, not only had a great influence on Kitty, but comforted her in her sorrow. What comforted her was that a perfectly new world was revealed to her, a world that had nothing in common with her past: an exalted, admirable world, from the heights of which it was possible to regard that past calmly. It was revealed to her that besides that instinctive life she had lived hitherto there was also a spiritual life. That life was revealed by religion, but a religion that had nothing in common with that which Kitty had known since her childhood and which found expression in Mass and vespers at the private chapel of the Widow’s Almshouse where one could meet one’s friends, and in learning Slavonic texts by heart with the priest. This was a lofty, mystical religion connected with a series of beautiful thoughts and feelings, which it was not only possible to believe because one was told to, but even to love.
Kitty did not learn all this from words. Madame Stahl spoke with her as with a dear child who gives one pleasure by reminding one of one’s own past, and only once mentioned that love and faith alone can bring relief in all human sorrows and that no sorrows are too trivial for Christ’s compassion. Then she immediately changed the subject. But in Madame Stahl’s every movement, every word, every ‘heavenly’ look (as Kitty called it), and especially in the whole story of her life, which Kitty learnt from Varenka, she discovered what was important and what she had not known before.
But however lofty may have been Madame Stahl’s character, however touching her story, and however elevated and tender her words, Kitty could not help noticing some perplexing traits in her. She noticed that Madame Stahl, when inquiring about Kitty’s relatives, smiled contemptuously, which did not accord with Christian kindness. And once, when Kitty met a Roman Catholic priest at the house, she observed that Madame Stahl carefully hid her face behind the lampshade and smiled in a peculiar manner. Trifling as these things were they disturbed Kitty, and she felt doubts about Madame Stahl. But Varenka, lonely, without relatives or friends, with her sad disillusionment, wishing for nothing and regretting nothing, personified that perfection of which Kitty only allowed herself to dream. In Varenka she saw that it was only necessary to forget oneself and to love others in order to be at peace, happy, and lovely. And such a person Kitty wished to be. Having now clearly understood what was most important, Kitty was not content merely to delight in it, but immediately with her whole soul devoted herself to this newly-revealed life. She formed a plan for her future life, based on what Varenka told her about the work of Madame Stahl and of others whom she named. Like Madame Stahl’s niece, Aline, of whom Varenka told her a great deal, Kitty determined, wherever she lived, to seek out the unfortunate, help them as much as she could, distribute Gospels, and read the Gospel to the sick, to criminals, and to the dying. The idea of reading the Gospels to criminals, as Aline did, charmed Kitty particularly. But all these were secret dreams, which she did not speak of either to her mother or to Varenka.
However, while waiting for the time when she could put her plans into operation on a larger scale, Kitty, imitating Varenka, here at the watering-place where there were so many sick and unhappy people, easily found opportunities to apply her new rules.
At first the Princess only noticed that Kitty was strongly influenced by her engouement [infatuation], as she called it, for Madame Stahl and especially for Varenka. She noticed that Kitty not only imitated Varenka’s activities, but involuntarily copied her manner of walking, speaking, and blinking her eyes. But afterwards the Princess also noticed that, apart from this infatuation, a serious spiritual change was taking place in her daughter.
She saw that in the evening Kitty read the Gospels in French (given her by Madame Stahl) — which she had not done before — that she avoided her Society acquaintances and made up to the invalids who were under Varenka’s protection, and especially to the family of Petrov, a poor, sick artist. Kitty evidently prided herself on fulfilling the duties of a sister-of-mercy in that family. This was all very well, and the Princess had nothing against it, especially as Petrov’s wife was quite a well-bred woman, and the German Princess, having noticed Kitty’s activities, praised her, calling her a ministering angel. It would have been quite right had it not been overdone. But the Princess saw that her daughter was getting