Quips and Quiddities: A Quintessence of Quirks, Quaint, Quizzical, and Quotable. VariousЧитать онлайн книгу.
Mr. Knowles, you are mistaken; I am O. Smith." "My dear fellow," cried Knowles, "I beg you ten thousand pardons: I took you for your namesake, T. P. Cooke!"
J. R. Planché, Recollections.
A PRACTICAL ANSWER.
AYS Hyam to Moses, "Let's cut off our noses," Says Moses to Hyam, "Ma tear, who would buy 'em?"
Shirley Brooks, Wit and Humour.
URNIPS should never be pulled: it injures them. It is much better to send a boy up and let him shake the tree.
Mark Twain, Choice Works.
H lived in a cave by the seas, He lived upon oysters and foes, But his list of forbidden degrees An extensive morality shows; Geological evidence goes To prove he had never a pan, But he shaved with a shell when he chose— 'Twas the manner of Primitive Man. He worshipped the rain and the breeze, He worshipped the river that flows, And the dawn, and the moon, and the trees, And bogies, and serpents, and crows; He buried his dead with their toes Tucked-up, an original plan, Till their knees came right under their nose— 'Twas the manner of Primitive Man.
Andrew Lang, Ballades in Blue China.
N ne loue d'ordinaire que pour être loué.
La Rochefoucauld, Réflexions.
OULD you adopt a strong logical attitude, Bear this in mind, and, whatever you do, Always allow your opponent full latitude, Whether or not his assumption be true. Then, when he manifests feelings of gratitude Merely because you've not shut him up flat, Turn his pet paradox into a platitude With the remark, "Oh, of course, we know that!"
Godfrey Turner.
HE gentle reader, who may wax unkind, And, caring little for the author's ease, Insist on knowing what he means—a hard And hapless situation for a bard.
Lord Byron, Beppo.
Y dear, when you have a clergyman in your family you must accommodate your tastes: I did that very early. When I married Humphrey, I made up my mind to like sermons, and I set out by liking the end very much. That soon spread to the middle and the beginning, because I couldn't have the end without them.
Mrs. Cadwallader, in George Eliot's Middlemarch.
REAT theologians, talk not of Trinity: Heretics, plague us no more with your fibs; One question only, Which is the Divinity— Willcox or Gibbs?
Mortimer Collins, The British Birds.
S that the contents you are looking at?" inquired an anxious author, who saw Rogers's eye fixed on a table or list at the commencement of a presentation copy of a new work. "No," said Rogers, pointing to the list of subscribers, "the dis-contents."
A. Hayward, Essays.
HE river's like glass— As slowly I pass, This sweet little lass Raises two Forget-me-not eyes In laughing surprise— From canoe. And as I float by, Said I, "Miss, O why? O why may not I Drift with you?" Said she, with a start, "I've no room in my heart— Or canoe!"
J. Ashby Sterry, Boudoir Ballads.
ENNY one day mentioned Charles Lamb's being once bored by a lady praising to him "such a charming man!" etc., etc.; ending with, "I know him, bless him!" On which Lamb said, "Well, I don't, but d—— him at a hazard."
Thomas Moore, Diary.
HEY sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care; They pursued it with forks and hope; They threatened its life with a railway share; They charmed it with smiles and soap.
Lewis Carroll, Hunting of the Snark.
REMEMBER being present at a dinner in London, when a very severe and saturnine Scotch Presbyterian was abusing Sunday newspapers, and concluded a violent tirade by saying, "I am determined to set my face against them." "So am I," said Theodore Hook, "every Sunday morning."
Gronow, Recollections.
ON A RADICAL REFORMER.
OMKINS will clear the land, they say, From every foul abuse; So chimneys in the olden time Were cleansèd by a goose.
James Hannay, Sketches and Characters.
WAS mentioning that some one had said of Sharpe's very dark complexion that he looked as if the dye of his old trade (hat making) had got engrained into his face. "Yes," said Luttrell, "darkness that may be felt!"
Thomas Moore, Diary.
T seems that poor Bruin has never had peace 'Twixt bald men in Bethel, and wise men in grease.
Frederick Locker, London Lyrics.
HE term sound divine being used, I said, "I do not know what is a sound divine," quoting Pope—
"'Dulness is sacred in a sound divine.'"
"But I do," said Donaldson. "It is a divine who is vox et præterea nihil."
Crabb Robinson, Diary.
LAIN food is quite enough for me; Three courses are as good as ten; If Nature can subsist on three, Thank heaven for three—Amen! I always thought cold victual nice— My choice should be vanilla-ice. I care not much for gold or land; Give me a mortgage here or there; Some good bank-stock, some note of hand, Or trifling railroad share:— I only ask that fortune send A little more than I shall spend.
Oliver Wendell Holmes.
OME one saying to Sir F. Gould, "I am told you eat three eggs every day at breakfast,"—"No," answered Gould, "on the contrary." Some of those present asked, "What was the contrary of eating three eggs?" "Laying three eggs, I suppose," said Luttrell.
