A Modern Instance. William Dean HowellsЧитать онлайн книгу.
way all girls act—if they get the chance. Don't you like me to be so?” she asked, with quick anxiety.
“Rather!” he replied.
“Oh, Bartley!” she exclaimed, “I feel like a child. I surprise myself as much as I do you; for I thought I had got very old, and I didn't suppose I should ever let myself go in this way. But there is something about this that lets me be as silly as I like. It's somehow as if I were a great deal more alone when I'm with you than when I'm by myself! How does it make you feel?”
“Good!” he answered, and that satisfied her better than if he had entered into those subtleties which she had tried to express: it was more like a man. He had his arm about her again, and she put down her hand on his to press it closer against her heart.
“Of course,” she explained, recurring to his surprise at her frolic mood, “I don't expect you to be silly because I am.”
“No,” he assented; “but how can I help it?”
“Oh, I don't mean for the time being; I mean generally speaking. I mean that I care for you because I know you know a great deal more than I do, and because I respect you. I know that everybody expects you to be something great, and I do, too.”
Bartley did not deny the justness of her opinions concerning himself, or the reasonableness of the general expectation, though he probably could not see the relation of these cold abstractions to the pleasure of sitting there with a pretty girl in that way. But he said nothing.
“Do you know,” she went on, turning her face prettily around toward him, but holding it a little way off, to secure attention as impersonal as might be under the circumstances, “what pleased me more than anything else you ever said to me?”
“No,” answered Bartley. “Something you got out of me when you were trying to make me tell you the difference between you and the other Equity girls?”
She laughed, in glad defiance of her own consciousness. “Well, I was trying to make you compliment me; I'm not going to deny it. But I must say I got my come-uppance: you didn't say a thing I cared for. But you did afterward. Don't you remember?”
“No. When?”
She hesitated a moment. “When you told me that my influence had—had—made you better, you know—”
“Oh!” said Bartley. “That! Well,” he added, carelessly, “it's every word true. Didn't you believe it?”
“I was just as glad as if I did; and it made me resolve never to do or say a thing that could lower your opinion of me; and then, you know, there at the door—it all seemed part of our trying to make each other better. But when father looked at me in that way, and asked me if we were engaged, I went down into the dust with shame. And it seemed to me that you had just been laughing at me, and amusing yourself with me, and I was so furious I didn't know what to do. Do you know what I wanted to do? I wanted to run downstairs to father, and tell him what you had said, and ask him if he believed you had ever liked any other girl.” She paused a little, but he did not answer, and she continued. “But now I'm glad I didn't. And I shall never ask you that, and I shall not care for anything that you—that's happened before to-day. It's all right. And you do think I shall always try to make you good and happy, don't you?”
“I don't think you can make me much happier than I am at present, and I don't believe anybody could make me feel better,” answered Bartley.
She gave a little laugh at his refusal to be serious, and let her head, for fondness, fall upon his shoulder, while he turned round and round a ring he found on her finger.
“Ah, ha!” he said, after a while. “Who gave you this ring, Miss Gaylord?”
“Father, Christmas before last,” she promptly answered, without moving. “I'm glad you asked,” she murmured, in a lower voice, full of pride in the maiden love she could give him. “There's never been any one but you, or the thought of any one.” She suddenly started away.
“Now, let's play we're getting dinner.” It was quite time; in the next moment the coffee boiled up, and if she had not caught the lid off and stirred it down with her spoon, it would have been spoiled. The steam ascended to the ceiling, and filled the kitchen with the fragrant smell of the berry.
“I'm glad we're going to have coffee,” she said. “You'll have to put up with a cold dinner, except potatoes. But the coffee will make up, and I shall need a cup to keep me awake. I don't believe I slept last night till nearly morning. Do you like coffee?”
“I'd have given all I ever expect to be worth for a cup of it, last night,” he said. “I was awfully hungry when I got back to the hotel, and I couldn't find anything but a piece of mince-pie and some old cheese, and I had to be content with cold milk. I felt as if I had lost all my friends this morning when I woke up.”
A sense of remembered grievance trembled in his voice, and made her drop her head on his arm, in pity and derision of him. “Poor Bartley!” she cried. “And you came up here for a little petting from me, didn't you? I've noticed that in you! Well, you didn't get it, did you?”
“Well, not at first,” he said.
“Yes, you can't complain of any want of petting at last,” she returned, delighted at his indirect recognition of the difference. Then the daring, the archness, and caprice that make coquetry in some women, and lurk a divine possibility in all, came out in her; the sweetness, kept back by the whole strength of her pride, overflowed that broken barrier now, and she seemed to lavish this revelation of herself upon him with a sort of tender joy in his bewilderment. She was not hurt when he crudely expressed the elusive sense which has been in other men's minds at such times: they cannot believe that this fascination is inspired, and not practised.
“Well,” he said, “I'm glad you told me that I was the first. I should have thought you'd had a good deal of experience in flirtation.”
“You wouldn't have thought so if you hadn't been a great flirt yourself,” she answered, audaciously. “Perhaps I have been engaged before!”
Their talk was for the most part frivolous, and their thoughts ephemeral; but again they were, with her at least, suddenly and deeply serious. Till then all things seemed to have been held in arrest, and impressions, ideas, feelings, fears, desires, released themselves simultaneously, and sought expression with a rush that defied coherence. “Oh, why do we try to talk?” she asked, at last. “The more we say, the more we leave unsaid. Let us keep still awhile!” But she could not. “Bartley! When did you first think you cared about me?”
“I don't know,” said Bartley, “I guess it must have been the first time I saw you.”
“Yes, that is when I first knew that I cared for you. But it seems to me that I must have always cared for you, and that I only found it out when I saw you going by the house that day.” She mused a little time before she asked again, “Bartley!”
“Well?”
“Did you ever use to be afraid—Or, no! Wait! I'll tell you first, and then I'll ask you. I'm not ashamed of it now, though once I thought I couldn't bear to have any one find it out. I used to be awfully afraid you didn't care for me! I would try to make out, from things you did and said, whether you did or not; but I never could be certain. I believe I used to find the most comfort in discouraging myself. I used to say to myself, 'Why, of course he doesn't! How can he? He's been everywhere, and he's seen so many girls. He corresponds with lots of them. Altogether likely he's engaged to some of the young ladies he's met in Boston; and he just goes with me here for a blind.' And then when you would praise me, sometimes, I would just say, 'Oh, he's complimented plenty of girls. I know he's thinking this instant of the young lady he's engaged to in Boston.' And it would almost kill me; and when you did some little thing to show that you liked me, I would think, 'He doesn't like me! He hates, he despises me. He does, he does, he does!' And I would go on that way, with my teeth shut, and my breath held, I don't know how long.” Bartley broke