Weddings from the Heart. Daphne Rose KingmaЧитать онлайн книгу.
will she be representing at my wedding? How do I feel about his or her reactions to the words, values, and ideas that are going to be expressed in the ceremony? When I see this person in the future, will it be a positive reminder of what was expressed?
Will I be happy (or irritated) by this person's presence? Will his personality foibles be an asset or a liability? Would I rather have her among the guests than standing beside me? Would I be sad—would my wedding be less than my dream of it—if he or she weren't there?
Remember, if you include attendants, one or more of them may have the duty of handing you the wedding rings, helping you with your dress, or holding your bouquet. Will they behave in the way you'd like them to; that is, will they be relaxed and dignified enough to suit you, vibrant or serious enough to create the mood you're after? Will they be willing to help graciously with mundane matters—cutting the ribbons on your bouquet, straightening your dress, or running out to buy extra hat pins for a marooned boutonniere?
Don't be afraid to do what your heart tells you. A male friend of mine had four women as his attendants, and a woman I know selected her best male friend to be hers. Maybe your beloved is the only person you want to stand beside you. If that's the case, don't be afraid to scrap tradition and stand at the altar together, in your own loving recognizance, with the officiant. In breaking with tradition you create tradition, tradition that moves from what's “proper” and expected to what truly springs from the heart.
CREATING THE COMMUNITY
The “community” of your wedding is your guests—the people you've invited to share in the intimate moments in which you make your love public and state your lifetime intentions to each other.
In the past, the guests at a wedding served a variety of purposes. Sometimes it was to demonstrate the power of two families coming together, others times to display of the status of the bride's or groom's parents—to say nothing of being an opportunity for parents to show off the beauty or achievements of their children. We've all heard the expression that he or she “made a good marriage,” meaning that he or she improved his or her financial or social status. And we've heard about “important” weddings, which means that all the “right” people were there.
Such expressions may hold importance in the world of politics, society, and commerce, but a wedding of the heart is a binding of the spirits of all who have gathered to shore up, celebrate, acknowledge, and encourage the two people creating a new life together.
Thus the guests at your wedding are your body of witness. To witness means to pledge, to make material, to bring into form. So when you choose a group of people to share the occasion, you are really asking them to ensure that in the future you will enact what you have publicly avowed through the vehicle of your wedding ceremony.
Viewed in this fashion, the guests at your wedding are not the largest number of people you know, the ones who will bring the best presents, or even all your distant relatives. They're the people who mean the most to you, those who have shared your life, who've provided for and protected you, who have nourished your spirit and sorted out your emotions, who've been there to help you through the hard times. They're the ones who have loved you through thick and thin, who've watched you grow up, celebrated your every transformation, believed in you, encouraged you, and shared the significant aspects of your life.
So to create a true wedding community, invite the people you love, those whose paths have crossed yours and tugged on your heartstrings along the way. In planning your guest list, ask yourself the following questions: Who are the ten people above all whom I'd like to be there, the ones I'd be absolutely heartbroken if they didn't attend? If I could ask everyone I'd like to, who would be on the list?
Now, working from both ends of that spectrum, who are the people between the extremes (taking into account the accommodations, of course) that you'd really want to share in your special day? What is the common thread that ties all these people together? The role they've played in your lives? The love you have for them and they for you? The social or business life you share? How will they “gel”—in spite of their differences and diversity—to become the community that will send you off into the joy of marriage?
Is there anyone you automatically included whom in your heart of hearts you'd rather not invite? An obligatory friend? A political concession to one of your parents? A colleague you really don't like? If there is such a person or persons, feel free to say, “It was a very small and private wedding; I'm sorry, but we couldn't include everyone.”
In some instances, for difficult emotional reasons, people prefer not to have their parents at their wedding. If you have some painful unfinished business that you've been unable to resolve, don't spoil your wedding by “inviting them anyway.” Instead, respect your need to celebrate and move forward in your life without their participation at this time; and for their sakes, have the courtesy to conduct your wedding in private. Perhaps the blessings of your marriage may also, someday, include a mending of this rift.
SELECTING INVITATIONS
The same considerations that apply to guest lists and attendants hold true with your wedding invitations. You will want your announcement to the world that you're going public with your love to be a reflection of your relationship's uniqueness. There's always the conventional “Mr. and Mrs. So and So request the honor of your presence,” but what do you really want to say? Do you like the standard black on white formal invitation, or would you prefer to write out your invitations in your own hand? Do you want professional calligraphy? or a cellophane Technicolor collage?
More and more couples feel that since they are not stepping directly out of their parents' homes and into marriage—they're over twentyone, they've been out in the world for a while, been through a relationship (or even a marriage) or two—they want this reflected in their invitations. Some examples: “Donna and John invite you to witness their wedding and to share in a celebration of marriage”; “Don and Mary Jane invite you to participate in a ceremony to celebrate ‘the unfolding of love’”; “Stan and Barbara ask you to stand in the sacred circle of witness as they recite their wedding vows.”
On the other hand, perhaps your families have been so supportive that you want to mention both sets of parents in your invitation: “Mr. and Mrs. X and Mr. and Mrs. Y invite you to celebrate the marriage of their children . . .”
Once again, my suggestion is that you follow your heart and express what is true for you, rather than routinely following the customary form. This goes for the design of the invitation as well. There's more than white vellum for a wedding invitation; be creative. One couple I know sent theirs in paper-covered mailing tubes, another in seed packets. Still others have used beautiful handmade papers, a photograph of themselves, or replicas of antique Valentines. Let yourself go! The ambiance you create with the invitation will carry over to the ceremony itself.
CHOOSING THE SETTING
The location of your wedding is every bit as important as the words you say, the people who stand up for you, and those you invite to witness the ceremony. Wherever you choose, make sure it holds special meaning for you, that it's a place you'll want to remember and return to—if not literally, at least in memory—and not just one that's convenient or available. Place creates mood, and mood creates the quality of memory.
Do you want a formal church setting? the ballroom of an elegant hotel? a beautiful outdoor park? a meadow at the edge of a cliff overlooking the sea? Do you want have it someplace special to you, such as the old inn where you spent your first romantic weekend, your parents' garden, or a holiday spa you'll love to return to?
Also consider whether you want to hold the ceremony and reception at the same location. Combining them in one place certainly has benefits—it minimizes traffic and parking problems and saves time (and often money too)—but perhaps at the price of convenience. A couple I know had their hearts set on marrying in a pine grove, but they couldn't work