From Heartbreak to Heart's Desire. Dawn MaslarЧитать онлайн книгу.
may suspect, if you’ve read this far, that your picker is broken. You can tell for sure by the men you attract and are attracted to. The men may differ physically and have other very different characteristics, but the bottom line is always the same—pain. To help you decide whether you have a broken picker that is keeping you in heartbreak instead of helping you achieve your heart’s desire, please take a look at these “types” of men who attract women whose pickers are broken. Of course, these are admittedly stereotypes, and as such are generalities. They are not meant to denigrate men as a gender or as individuals. But they are offered as types, to help you examine your own experiences and relationships against them. You may recognize some of the dancers in this ballet. (And I am sure you can add some more of your own.)
1.Hit-and-Run
You can spot this type easily by the mattress that appears to be strapped to his back. He is confident and sexy and knows it. His hair is perfect, his smell alluring, and his body is rock-hard. He has the uncanny ability to sweep you off your feet…and flat onto your back. As soon as he walks into the room your knees begin to weaken. He’s the one you know you should stay away from.
This is a man who loves women…he’ll tell you so at every opportunity. And it’s true, he does love women—he loves women the way a cat loves birds. He’s Hugh Hefner personified, strutting around in his smoking jacket. You are repulsed, yet strangely attracted. You know if you get attached it will mean heartbreak, but you still find yourself compelled. You rationalize, “I’ll just use HIM for sex. It will be different with me. I’m a big girl. I know what I’m doing.”
Afterward, you wonder what happened. You may have been warned by your friends—you may even have been warned by his friends. You knew that you knew better. And yet you still wake up one day in his bed. The excitement of this type of man is fleeting. Too late you realize he was operating according to a law known only to him, one that states: Once the conquest is completed, the game is over. You end up hobbling away from this type of man feeling bruised and foolish. And him? Like the song says, he’s “already gone.”
2.The Teflon Don Juan
This man is the most frustrating. He appears to want a relationship, but then carefully shies away from it. His aversion is so subtle that it leaves you feeling bewildered. He just can’t seem to make a relationship stick. He will commit, but for only fifteen minutes at a time.
This man is confusing because he comes on very strong at first. He starts off burning hot, showering you with attention. But just as soon as he feels he has you, his attention wanes. He becomes a phone-o-phobe. He will call you (usually at 10:30 p.m. to see if he can come over), but don’t ever try to reach him. You will only get his voice mail. You’re his captive, patiently (or not so patiently) waiting for him to call. He doesn’t ever want to obligate himself by making plans. He says he will call you. Since he is the one you want to be with, you find yourself waiting for him…and waiting…and waiting. You spend hours wringing your hands, hoping he will call, and trying not to call him. You want to call, but you know you can’t call again. His cell phone has probably already registered the last fifteen times you tried, and you can’t bear to listen to his voice mail message one more time.
3.What Was I Thinking? (WWIT?)
You know this guy—you pull out some old school photos, and there he is, staring at you. Maybe he was dorky-looking or obviously clingy. At the time you thought he was so cute, so helpless; like a puppy. Then you woke up one day and smacked yourself on the side of the head, saying, “Oh, my God, what was I thinking?” Most likely you were not thinking. Or perhaps you interpreted his “dorkiness” or neediness as a sign that he needed you to change his life. Perhaps this man fed your illusion of your own importance. Or maybe he made you feel that somehow this relationship was going to make your life better. You ignored any signs to the contrary. We have the capacity to go to bed wildly in love, but wake up, look over, see the head on the next pillow, and scream (inwardly, of course), “WHAT WAS I THINKING?”
4.The Savior
The white knight, our savior, our knight in shining armor—there are many ways to describe this man, but the bottom line is that he has come to save us. He has come to rescue us from our dreary, tedious, mundane existence and whisk us off to Happily-Ever-After-Land. We love the Savior; he is here to provide us with much-needed shelter from a cruel and harsh world. We tend to find him charging in after a breakup or some other emotional anguish we’ve been through.
The Savior helps us heal; he is exactly what we need in order to recover. He provides us with warmth, protection, and comfort. He’s wonderful. We love our Savior…for a time. We wish we could stay with him forever, but something happens. Slowly and subtly, our attention wanes. Where once we felt protected, we begin to feel smothered. Where once we felt comforted, we begin to feel restless, and where we once felt warm, we begin to get cold. So much perfection leaves us…bored. We start to wonder things like…is this it? Is this all there is? We start noticing other men and even picking fights, just to spice things up in our perfect world. Eventually we leave our Savior, sometimes in the middle of the night. Sometimes we even run away, directly to the waiting arms of his opposite.
5.The Scoundrel
This man is mysterious, exciting, and sexy as hell. There is an element of danger in being with him. Maybe he’s a biker or a James Bond type. You imagine being on the back of his bike, or sitting beside him in his sports car, the wind tossing your hair, causing a rush of adrenaline. He’s different, not one of those boring, everyday guys. You wouldn’t find him in a pair of baggy shorts, cutting the grass on the weekend. No, he has more exciting things to do.
Wherever you find excitement, you will find the Scoundrel. He could be the lead singer in a band, a private investigator, or a millionaire playboy. Whatever and whoever he is, he takes your breath away. He makes you feel vulnerable, and you follow him subserviently, like a little lost puppy dog. But you soon find out he has a dark, hard, hidden coat of armor.
We wonder what happened to make him the way he is. Maybe he was hurt; maybe his mother didn’t love him. We know there is a soft, sweet, loving man underneath that hard exterior somewhere. You tell yourself you can find him. He is just misunderstood and needs love. Your love. You are convinced that if you just love him enough, you (and only you) can melt that protective shell. So you spend the next two years beating your head against the rock wall he’s constructed around his heart. He makes you crazy. He may even cause you to become obsessive, checking up on him, even stalking him. It’s a long, arduous, unfulfilling, painful relationship. Finally, it ends, when he empties the bank account and runs off with a stripper. (Or worse, your best friend.)
6.Red Flag
Like a matador in a bullring who waves a red cape, the Red Flag man attracts our attention with the very thing that should repel us. Like the puzzled bull who charges toward the red cape, we race toward the Red Flag man when in reality we should run the other way. And like the bull, we don’t really understand why we charge.
Just as the matador (which translates to killer in English, maybe appropriately in this instance) steps away at the last second, sweeping his red cape aside to reveal a deadly surprise, Red Flag man often has an unpleasant surprise in store for us. Undeterred, we regroup and charge, again and again, until, bloodied, dusty, and defeated, we are left to shake our heads as our matador, Red Flag man, leaves the ring, unscathed. The next time we see “red” we will run the other way. (Well…we at least tell ourselves we will.)
7.Great Potential
This is the man who is not quite right, but we see his potential. Maybe he drinks too much or doesn’t have a job. Maybe he has a job, but he could have a better job. We tell ourselves that with our guidance we can make him better. We can teach him how to clean up after himself, we can push him to become more than he presently is. We’ll use love and gentle persuasion to coax him into a better life where he will achieve his true potential.
If the gentle persuasion doesn’t work, we may try manipulation or force.