Childish Things. Robin JenkinsЧитать онлайн книгу.
In the greatest game of the century he had refused to participate and so had missed the immeasurable joy of sharing a noble and dangerous cause with many comrades.
The hall stank of cats’ piss. A big ginger Tom was on top of a small white female, clutching her with his claws. On his face was an expression of single-minded dedication that no human lover could ever have achieved.
‘What do you do with all the kittens?’ I asked.
‘I give them to children.’
‘What about those you can’t give away? Do you drown them?’
He didn’t answer.
The living-room was even smellier. Every chair was occupied by a cat. I threw one off and sat down. I held my hat on my lap. This was to keep cats off. Two were already nudging against my legs.
Hector was wearing an old dirty dressing-gown over his pyjamas. He seemed reluctant to put down his cudgel. I kept on the alert. This stench might have a murderous effect, like a drug.
‘You knew Kate a lot longer than I did, Hector. You were both born in this house.’
He had a face like a medieval martyr, with sunken cheeks, morbid eyes, and invisible thorns on his brow. He had taken it all, life and death, too seriously. He had never hurt a fly and yet he still agonised in his conscience more than men who had bombed cities. He was proof that no one could be at home in the 20th century who wasn’t prepared to kill his fellow men, let alone drown kittens.
As far as I knew, he had never had a girl-friend. That was another game he had kept aloof from. It was a wonder he hadn’t had all his cats neutered.
I was already regretting that I had come. The room was poorly lit. Was that a photograph on the sideboard? Yes, it was. She was smiling. Where are you, Kate, my love? My eyes were wet.
‘Madge said you might be going to live with her in California,’ he said, craftily.
‘They’ve invited me. I haven’t decided.’
‘Oh, you will go. You will be in your element there.’
Chrissie had said that too. They must have been discussing me in his forlorn shop among the unsaleable books.
‘You will do what suits you,’ he said. ‘You always have.’
‘Don’t we all?’ But it was useless trying to joke with him.
‘You more than most,’ he said.
That accusation of selfishness was hard to take from a man who had put his own piddling little conscience before the saving of civilisation.
‘Even your own daughters distrust you.’
Though I was sure it was a lie, I was hurt and angered.
Of course, they had always preferred their mother to me, but they hadn’t given her all their love and trust. There had been some left for me.
‘When they were children, they had to go without so that you could swagger about in expensive clothes.’
‘Who told you that?’
‘Kate told me.’
If he had driven a dagger into me, I couldn’t have been more wounded. I didn’t believe him, but the very insinuation that Kate had denigrated me behind my back was unbearable.
There had been a time, after the war, when we had found my teacher’s salary insufficient, but Kate had seen to it that the girls had not suffered.
‘She didn’t trust you either,’ he said.
Well, did she? Completely? Did any human being ever trust another completely? Yes. I had trusted Kate completely.
‘Did she tell you that she was leaving her share of this house to me, not to you?’
No, she hadn’t told me.
‘I intend to leave it to the SPC.’
‘What’s that?’
‘The Society for the Protection of Cats. I have more respect for cats than for my own kind.’
I felt like heaving a cat at him but instead I was witty. ‘They’ve certainly got more dignity.’
Even when committing rape or incest, they looked dignified.
‘She never forgave you for all those women.’
‘All what women?’
In 46 years of marriage I had been unfaithful to Kate only once: Chrissie Carruthers didn’t count. In Egypt, during the war, a thousand miles from home, and the girl, dark-skinned – what was her name? – had been made to understand from the beginning that she could never take Kate’s place.
I had often thought of confessing to Kate, but shame had prevented me.
I couldn’t deny that I was attractive to women. I knew what to say to them. They enjoyed my company. Kate had been amused but never jealous. She knew that I exalted her above them all.
‘You’re ill, Hector,’ I said. ‘You should see a doctor.’
His illness – was it cancer too? – had brought out his strong resemblance to his sister.
I stood up and put on my hat. Two cats impeded me. I felt like kicking them, to get revenge on their owner, but instead I bent down and stroked them.
‘Good night, Hector,’ I said, and left.
5
Some weeks later, a few days before I was to fly off to San Diego, Susan Cramond telephoned.
‘I’m thinking of giving a little farewell dinner party for you, Gregor.’
‘That’s very kind of you, Susan.’
‘You don’t sound very enthusiastic’
Well, what did I have to enthuse about? I was an old man who needed to piss oftener than was convenient or seemly. I had had my innings and, though I had performed with some style, I hadn’t scored all that highly, except perhaps for my Military Medal. My wife had died recently and I was finding out every day how much I had depended on her. I was afraid that my going to California might turn out to be a mistake. I kept thinking that I should have gone to India, to an ashram, where I could have mourned with honourable resignation and found forgiveness.
It was myself I had to forgive.
‘Who would you like me to invite?’ asked Susan.
Ignoring Hector’s opprobrious visage, I would have liked to nominate Mrs Cardross, manageress of Colquhoun’s licensed grocer’s in the mam street. Why? Because she reminded me of Kate when Kate had been young: tall, fair-haired, blue-eyed, smiling, gracious. But of course it was out of the question even to mention her name.
‘I suppose the usual bunch of boring old buggers,’ said Susan. ‘You can’t have the Tullochs, though. They’re scored off the list. He is anyway, and she wouldn’t come without him, the silly cow. To tell you the truth, it’s really her I can’t stand, flashing that arse of hers in every man’s face.’
I was dismayed. Naively I had assumed that Millie’s incomparable posterior had been admired by me alone.
‘Why is Bill scored off your list, Susan?’ I asked.
‘Haven’t you heard? It’s the talk of the town. The big bull’s taken his pizzle to new pastures.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘He’s left Millie and got himself a new paramour. You must have seen her. She works in Colquhoun’s, in the main street, a shop you’re never out of. Fair-haired conceited bitch. She’s separated from her husband. Tulloch’s having to pay highly to get her to open her legs. She’s driving about in a new Volvo.’
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