The By Request Collection. Kate HardyЧитать онлайн книгу.
any emotional fears either.’
That was because he didn’t let himself feel any emotion that he couldn’t control. ‘This isn’t about me. This is about you. And I believe you should do this. Otherwise you’re letting your fear conquer something that could make an enormous difference to your life and theirs.’
Her eyes shot anger at him—a dark blue laser. ‘It’s not your decision to make. All due respect, Ethan, but you don’t know how this feels.’
‘No, I don’t. But...’
His turn now to look away, to absorb the vast chill of white that would remain there long after he and Ruby had returned to normality.
‘But what?’
The exasperation had left her tone and she shifted closer to him, placed a hand on his forearm. Her touch brought a soothing heat and somehow gave him the incentive to step into the chasm. To help Ruby make the decision he felt to be right.
‘But I do know what it feels like to lose a sibling. I had a sister.’ His voice cracked—the word was rusty with disuse. ‘An older sister. Tanya. She died, and I would do pretty much anything to have the chance to see her again. So I am telling you, Ruby. Contact them. You have the chance of a future that has them in it. Take that chance.’
Her body stilled next to him and then she let out an exhalation of shock as her grip tightened on his arm. ‘I am so sorry. I don’t know what to say or do, but I am so very sorry.’
She closed the gap between them completely, so that her body pressed against his, and he took comfort from her closeness. For a long moment they stared out at the view, and then he heard her intake of breath.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she asked.
Did he? Disbelief rippled in his gut at the fact he was even considering the hitherto impossible. But he was. Because he knew that once they left the Alps there would be no more of this. It was too emotional; too many layers were being unravelled and he couldn’t risk his emotions escalating out of control.
But here and now the temptation to share his memories of Tanya nigh overwhelmed him, and images of his beautiful gentle sister streamed in his mind. He realised that he wanted Ruby to ‘know’ Tanya—to ‘see’ the sister he missed so much. Ruby had told him that talking about Tom, Edie and Philippa had reminded her of the good memories. Maybe Tanya deserved that—to be remembered.
His voice caught as he nodded his head. ‘I think I do. But not here. Let’s go back to the chalet.’
* * *
As they entered the chalet Ruby fought down the urge to throw herself onto his chest, wrap her arms around him and just hold him. Though...why not? For the next few hours at least she could be herself, could show feelings and emotions, and right now the desire to offer comfort overrode all else. But she knew that this was unmapped territory for both of them.
He shrugged his jacket off and hung it on a peg, watched her almost warily as she approached. Standing on tiptoe, she kissed his cheek, inhaled his woodsy scent, felt the solid bulk of his body against hers. She stepped back and took his hands in hers. The smile he gave was a little twisted, but his grasp tightened around hers as she tugged him towards the sofa.
‘I’ll light the fire,’ he said.
Sensing that it would be easier for him to talk whilst in action, she nodded. ‘That would be great. You want coffee?’
‘No, thanks.’
He busied herself with the fire, loaded the logs, and Ruby curled up on the purple cushions, her whole being attuned to him.
‘Tanya was three years older than me. Mum was always out—she worked so many jobs to make ends meet—and that made Tanya and I extra close. Tanya was...’
His deep tone faltered and he paused, scraped a match against the side of the box and lit the wood. Sat back on his haunches and gazed at the flicker of red and orange.
‘She was so very gentle, so kind.’ Wonder touched his voice. ‘It was as if she was something rare and beautiful and fragile on that estate. She had chestnut hair, long and thick, and brown eyes, and the warmest smile in the world—the kind that made you feel like you could do anything.’
The fire whoomphed and caught, illuminated the planes of his features, touched with sadness now. Ruby slipped off the sofa, and as if aware of her movements he shifted, so that they both ended up on the floor with the sofa at their backs. Without speaking she placed a hand on his thigh, tucked her body next to his.
‘She wanted to make something of her life. Her dream was to write, to travel, to see the wonders of the world. Mum encouraged her, and Tanya flourished—she loved books, absorbed information like a sponge. She’d tell me about all the countries out there and we’d hatch dreams of travel.’
‘She sounds wonderful—and it sounds like you loved each other very much.’
No wonder Ethan had rejected love—he’d had the most important person in his world snatched by death. Yet the darkness of his expression told her that it was even worse than that.
‘We did. It was Tanya who kept me on the straight and narrow for a long time. But as I got older it became harder for her.’
‘What about your mum?’
‘Mum was... Mum and I... It was difficult. I am the spitting image of my father. She hadn’t actually wanted a second child with him and she never really engaged with me.’
Ruby felt her nails score her palm—it sounded as though Ethan felt he’d deserved the indifference she read from his words. ‘That wasn’t your fault.’
A shrug greeted this and she held her peace.
‘No, but my behaviour was my own choice. The estate was my reality and I began to believe that Tanya’s aspirations could never happen. I started to bunk off school, began to go off the rails. But Tanya held me in check; I would have done anything for her. If she’d let me.’
Foreboding touched Ruby, drizzled her skin with dread. ‘What happened?’
‘She was bullied. I didn’t know—she didn’t tell me, and we were at different schools by then. Tanya was doing A levels, and that meant a bunch of kids had it in for her. It started out as small-time stuff, teasing with a nasty edge, and then it became sabotage of homework, and then it became worse and worse. They stalked her, threatened her with rape, and eventually she couldn’t take it any more. She killed herself.’
The words buzzed in the air like dark, malignant insects, and for a moment Ruby couldn’t take in the enormity of his words. Once they hit her she raised her hand to her mouth to stifle the cry of protest. ‘Ethan...’ The anguish on his face was enough to make her weep.
‘I found her. She’d overdosed—she’d found a stash of Mum’s sleeping pills and swallowed the lot.’ His voice jerked the words out, raspy and abuzz with a raw, jagged pain. ‘At first I thought she was asleep, and then...’
Ruby swallowed the lump of horror that clogged her throat, pressed her lips together to stop herself from crying out. The image was so clear in her brain—she could only imagine how etched it was on his. A younger Ethan—lanky, tall, unsuspecting—calling his sister, entering the room... And then the awful paralysed second when he would have realised the grim truth and his life had changed for ever.
‘Ethan...’ Her voice was a whisper as compassion robbed her breath. ‘I am so very sorry. I cannot imagine what you and your mother went through.’
The words were inadequate against such calamity, and she could only hope that the tragedy had brought mother and son closer.
‘Mum was devastated. It was a dark time.’
For a long moment he stared into the flames and then he shifted slightly. Scored his palm down his face as if in an attempt to erase the memories.
‘Do you