Regency Affairs Part 2: Books 7-12 Of 12. Ann LethbridgeЧитать онлайн книгу.
Because you wanted me in your bed, but your sense of honour meant that you had to marry me. This was about sex and desire, pure and simple on your part. But I’m not a mistress. I thought I was your wife.’
‘You are making wild accusations. You are overtired.’ He put out his hand. ‘I married you because I wanted you in my life. My whole life. I planned on telling you about my mother and sister when the time was right. I wanted to enjoy you without my family causing problems for just a while longer.’
His pity at her love somehow made it worse. She hugged her waist. ‘No, you only wanted me in your bed. I suppose some should say that I should be grateful that you gave me your name. But you didn’t want me in your life, not really. You were ashamed of me.’
He winced when she said the words, but he did not say anything. He allowed his hand to drop to his side. And she knew her words had hit their mark. She waited for him to deny it, or say something that would fill the great yawning gap where her heart had been. ‘You were the one who wanted to show me off like some prize you’d won. You were the one who planned a dinner party without asking me first. Why is it so important to you what other people think about you and your life?’
The silence became deafening and she knew she had her answer.
‘I’m going, Richard. I refuse to stay here in this sham of a marriage.’
‘You can’t abandon our marriage.’
‘You already abandoned it. You never gave me a chance. You were not interested in me.’
‘Don’t you want to hear why I was late?’ he whispered in a ragged voice. ‘Hear me out before you make your decision. Once you know, you will understand.’
‘I doubt I will ever understand. You are ashamed of me. You only married me because you have your code of honour. I hoped it might be love, but it wasn’t.’
‘Listen, Sophie, before you judge. Please. I never wanted my family problems to concern you. It is not you I am ashamed of, but my family and the way they act.’
Sophie struggled to control her temper. She was married to him. All her instincts screamed that she should grab her valise and go. If Richard touched her, there was every possibility she’d melt. ‘Why were you late?’
‘My mother took an overdose of laudanum. I had to get the doctor. I had to make sure she was going to live. Otherwise our trip would have to have been postponed again. Hannah was beyond hysterical. You do understand why I had to stay.’
‘Why did she overdose?’
‘You would have to ask her.’ He ran his hands through his hair. ‘I had told her about the dinner party and that my father would be leaving in the morning. You and I were going to the Continent. I would see them again when I returned and that I hoped she’d enjoy getting to know you then. I left and went to the jewellers to pick up that blasted necklace for you.’
‘I didn’t want a necklace. I never wanted a necklace.’
‘I wanted to give it to you, to mark our first dinner party. I wanted it to be something you would always remember.’
‘I shall always remember it.’ Sophie clenched her fists. ‘I tried so hard. All I wanted to do was to show you that I was worthy of being a viscountess. Quite frankly, that doesn’t matter any more. I am who I am and I like me. I am through with tying myself in knots for anyone, most especially you!’
‘Have I ever asked you to?’
‘But you are ashamed of me. I read the letter …’
‘I meant to burn that after I wrote to my aunt, telling her a few home truths. But I have been so angry about it that every time I sit down to write, I can’t.’
He held out his arms as if he expected her to walk straight into them, lay her head against his chest and forgive him.
Sophie put her hand to her head. ‘It doesn’t change a thing.’
‘Sophie!’
She forced herself to turn her back and walk to where she had placed her valise. She’d packed it this afternoon in readiness for the wedding trip, a trip which was not going to happen now. A huge lump formed in her throat. She swallowed hard and, when she felt in control of her emotions, turned to face him.
‘The only thing you wanted to share was sex, Richard. I refuse to have a marriage based on that. Desire always fades without something real and solid behind it. You are right. I was in a dream of love. I have woken up and discovered that I am worth it. It is why I am leaving now. I am going to spend my life living it as it was meant to be lived, rather than existing and hoping for a few crumbs of praise from you.’
‘I forbid it.’
Sophie kept her back ramrod straight. The old Sophie would have crumbled, but Richard had given her her self-respect back. She knew now what she wanted and why she wasn’t going to settle for this second-best marriage. ‘You can forbid nothing, Richard. Not any more.’
‘Where are you going?’ he asked in a ragged voice.
‘Where I am safe,’ Sophie answered, knowing he’d never guess what she planned on doing or where she was going. She would start living her life on her terms now. ‘Where no one cares what my reputation is or what title I have, but what they do care about is me.’
Richard stood in stunned silence. Sophie couldn’t really be about to leave him. Not Sophie, not when he needed to forget about today. He wanted to hold her as she lay sleeping and look into her face. But mostly he wanted her there, beside him, talking to him about little ordinary things and worrying about little details that most people never even noticed. She was his refuge from the storm which had engulfed him. He needed her.
‘Don’t go,’ he whispered. ‘Stay with me, please. I … I care about you. I need you.’
The sound of the quietly clicked door echoed through the now-empty rooms. He wandered through the rooms aimlessly, leaving the bedroom until the last. It was as if all the light and joy had been sucked out of them.
Beside the bed, he sank down to his knees and buried his head in his hands. Tears flowed down his face. Sophie had gone. She had walked out of his life. And she would not be back.
His gut ached as if it had been torn out and roughly stuffed back in. A great black emptiness filled him. Sophie had abandoned him.
This black emptiness was far worse than when, as a boy of seven, his mother had left him with Hannah in a small glade while she ran away with her lover. When the light had faded and it was clear that no one was coming for them, he had carried the crying toddler back to Hallington and told her that he would look after her. He found his father in the study, drinking. His father had engulfed him and Hannah in a big bear hug, and told him that they would be a family together.
However, one day a few months later, he had returned from a ride to find the nursery empty. He’d gone again to the study and asked his father where his sister was and had his ears boxed for his trouble. He was never to mention his sister or mother again, his father declared, going into the first of his fearsome rages. Richard had gone back to his room and cried himself to sleep. It was the last time he had wept.
Two weeks later, he was on his way to Eton and his father had always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t be there. Richard had pretended at first he didn’t care and in the end he hadn’t cared. He wanted to think it would be the same with Sophie, but he knew that was a lie. He’d always care. He’d always want to know where Sophie was and that she was happy. Sophie was as necessary as breathing to him.
Richard looked up at the bed and grabbed a pillow. Her faint scent of lavender and citrus clung to it but it made the ache worse and he put it from him.
‘Sophie!’