London Falling. Chanel CleetonЧитать онлайн книгу.
leaned into me, his chest brushing against mine. I struggled to keep myself from swaying forward, from sinking into him. His lips brushed against my ear and a tremor ran through me. I clenched my hands into little fists.
You can look, but you can’t touch.
“Come with me.”
I shook my head, taking a step away from him. I wanted to act like I didn’t care, like his presence didn’t affect me. But I couldn’t. Self-preservation became infinitely more important than my ego. I couldn’t be this close to him again. Not when it hurt too much, made me want too much, made me reckless.
“We need to talk.”
“There’s nothing left to say.”
“Isn’t there? Are you just going to avoid talking about it?”
“Funny you should mention wanting to discuss what happened, considering you didn’t talk to me all summer.”
“Maggie—”
“No. You don’t get to talk now. You sent me texts. One that actually made me think you didn’t regret what happened between us. And then that cryptic text in July. ‘Are you okay?’ That’s what you had to text me?” My voice rose with each word.
“I was worried about you. I didn’t know what to say.”
“Really? Really? You were worried about me?” I laughed bitterly. “Was that in between the time you spent with your girlfriend?”
I didn’t know who I was angrier at, him or myself. Sure, he’d cheated on his girlfriend, but I’d been right there with him. I was the one who had been stupid enough to believe our night actually might have meant something. I was the one who had spent all summer obsessing about him, imagining seeing him again, preparing for it. More than anything, I was angry that I’d let my guard down with him for even a moment. It was my own stupidity that had gotten me into this mess in the first place. I wasn’t making that mistake again.
I turned away. Samir reached out, grabbing at my hand, pulling me back toward him.
“Don’t touch me,” I snapped.
“Do you want to do this now? In front of everyone? Come with me.” He tugged on my hand, curving his fingers on my wrist. They lingered for a moment, just over my pulse, stroking there.
“No.”
“I need to explain.” His voice was raw. “Please.”
“Don’t do this to me,” I whispered, forgetting I was supposed to be putting on a brave face. He had no idea how he affected me, what this whole summer had been like for me. He had no idea what the mere touch of his hand did to my body. Or about the hope I had to beat back, in order to keep from having my heart crushed again.
I couldn’t take a chance on him, couldn’t risk the near certainty of what it would feel like to have my heart broken by him. Because now that I’d had him—even just for one night—I knew he wasn’t someone I would be able to walk away from whole.
Samir
I WAS SCREWING this up so badly it wasn’t even funny.
I’d never been here before, never had to plead with a girl. Clearly it showed.
“Just give me a few minutes. Just a few minutes alone, and then you don’t have to talk to me again.” I swallowed. “Please.”
For a moment she didn’t answer me—it felt like an eternity. I’d blown it, I got that. But she had to forgive me. Maybe I didn’t deserve it, but I needed her forgiveness. I needed her, however I could get her.
Finally she nodded. “Okay.”
I clung to that word like a lifeline.
I reached down between us, grabbing her hand. She flinched against me, but didn’t move away. We stood there for a moment, frozen. It felt strange holding her hand again after all this time. Strange, yet right.
I led her through the club, my hand pulling her along like a magnet. The crowd was thick tonight, especially for a Sunday, but I elbowed my way through.
I stopped in front of the girls’ bathroom, hesitating for a moment. Then I pushed open the door.
Behind me, Maggie protested, but I ignored her. The words had been inside of me, pushing to get out, for months now. I needed this chance to explain. Hurting her was inevitable, always had been. Hadn’t I known, even the morning after, that I couldn’t keep her?
It didn’t matter how much I wanted to.
The startled bathroom attendant gaped at us—specifically, me. “You can’t be in here.”
Despite her protests, I doubted this was the first time something like this had happened here.
Two girls washed their hands in the sink, their faces avid with interest, but besides them, the bathroom was empty. I pulled out my wallet, peeling off some cash and handing it to the attendant.
“Can you give us five minutes? Please.”
She hesitated for a moment before glancing down at the money, and then back at me. Her gaze drifted behind me, focusing on Maggie.
“Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine,” Maggie answered, her voice unusually quiet.
Something tumbled in my gut.
The woman looked back at me before nodding. “Fine. Five minutes.” She ushered the other two girls out, leaving Maggie and me alone.
Five minutes. It was a safe amount of time. Short enough to ensure I kept my hands where they belonged—off of her. Long enough for me to explain why things were the way they were.
But the second the room emptied, my words dried up. I was finally alone with her, and I didn’t have a thought in my head. Not in English, at least. French, Arabic—those words filled my head, desperate and pleading. But as hard as I tried to formulate what I wanted to say, my tongue felt thick and useless.
“You wanted your chance. You got it. Talk.” Maggie’s voice trembled slightly. “You have five minutes, and then I’m gone.”
That was the part that scared me the most. I didn’t want her to leave, but I wasn’t capable of giving her enough to make her stay.
Story of my life. Always close, but never quite good enough. Definitely not good enough for her.
It made sense to start with the most important thing I had to say.
“I fucked up. I’m sorry.”
CHAPTER FOUR
Maggie
NO SHIT.
“That’s what you have to say to me? You fucked up?” He didn’t respond. He just stood there, staring at me, his expression blank. “Seriously. That’s the best you can do?”
“Look, I know this is coming out all wrong. And I’m sorry. I know you deserve better than this. I’m trying to tell you I’m sorry. For all of it.”
“What do you mean ‘all of it?’”
“I should never have let things get out of control with you. I should have known better. You’re you and I’m me, and I should have known better.”
I didn’t even know what that meant. We were both speaking English, and yet I needed a dictionary to understand what he was saying.
“So you regret having sex with me?”
I pushed away the slice of hurt that knifed through my heart. I’d deal with that later.
Samir closed his eyes. I waited, staring at him, wishing he would just end this. It was like there was still a cord linking us, a tether tying me to him, and if I couldn’t have him, then I wanted nothing between us.