Everyday Courage. Niobe WayЧитать онлайн книгу.
he has considered a father figure. Malcolm explains that since his mother has provided him and his sister with “everything we have needed,” his mother has served as both father and mother in his family:
Was there ever a male that you looked to as a father figure?
Myself mostly. I never really—I just looked at my mother as strong, you know, ’cause she kept me and my sister and she raised us both. It wasn’t really my mother’s boyfriend paying a lot of attention to us. He did help out money-wise. But she was there when we needed her, so she’s mostly if anything the father figure.
While describing why he sees his mother as a father figure, Malcolm repeats a theme that is heard among many of the teens in the study who did not have fathers in their lives. Mothers were typically considered “strong” people who were “there” for their children and were often deemed both mother and father figures because they provided emotional and financial support. Although the teens did express anger, at times, at their fathers’ neglect, they rarely spoke explicitly of yearning for a male father figure and seemed generally content with their mothers’ abilities to fulfill both roles.
Malcolm believes that his mother listens to him and that they talk to each other “as equals.”
She’ll respect what I—what I ask or something.
How do you think you’ve grown into that position where you’ve earned that kind of respect from her?
Just by being able to listen and not really getting into trouble. Stay in school. Do my work. You know, I also have a few jobs. Like when she was in the hospital, I was working. And that was when I was paying the rent.
Malcolm suggests that his mother not only takes care of him but that he takes care of her and his sister as well. During the period in which his mother was in the hospital to have a benign tumor removed, Malcolm worked at a convenience store during the week and at a gas station on the weekends. I was immediately struck, while listening to this interview of a freshman, by Malcolm’s sense of commitment to his family. While his appearance fits the stereotype of an adolescent, his actions clearly do not. Malcolm is sensitive to the needs of others and willing to assume adult responsibilities.
Malcolm identifies his relationship with his mother as most important for him at this point in his life: “’Cause like with her, all these years we’d be at each other’s back. Just like that, so that’s the most important one.” As will become evident, Malcolm’s relationship with his mother is not only mutually supportive and most important for Malcolm, it is also the only relationship about which he feels good. Malcolm and his sister get along “okay” but they argue often because she takes his tapes and clothes from his room without asking him. This, Malcolm says, is the main problem in their relationship. Over the three years Malcolm is interviewed, his sister will play an increasingly important role in his life.
When asked about close or best friends, Malcolm mentions close friends from his childhood who no longer live in his city. Currently, he has no close friends who live nearby:
So you really don’t have a closest friend here at school?
Oh no, nobody. Not even around my way. It’s like everybody else is just associating, you know. No. …
Why do you think you don’t have closer friends?
Nah, it’s just like things like friendships take time. Just like a relationship. You can’t really, you know, rush into that. You have to just take it slow and be able to know for true who’s your friend, who’s not.
Malcolm begins to suggest what will emerge as a common theme in each of his interviews. He is wary of close relationships with his peers and worries about “rushing” into relationships before he knows he can trust the person. By referring to his peers as “associates,” Malcolm is distinguishing between casual friends and those “people that [you] really get into deep depth conversation.”2 Malcolm says he “hangs out” with his “associates” but does not share personal thoughts and feelings with them. In each of his interviews, Malcolm claims to have only “associates” but no close or best friends. It is not until his junior year, however, that he begins to clearly articulate why he does not have close or best friends.
In this freshman-year interview, Malcolm mentions that he has had a few girlfriends “here and there” but has never been involved in a long-term relationship. At this point in his life, Malcolm says, he has no interest in staying with “only one girl.” “I just wanna expand mostly, you know? When I see something I like, I try for it, you know.” During this section of the interview, Malcolm and Mike bond as they laugh together about Malcolm’s reluctance to make a commitment to one girl.
What’s your thinking behind that? That you would prefer not to get involved in a relationship but be available to get involved with whatever [sic] comes along?
It’s mostly just testing, testing to see how good you are, really. ’Cause like you know sometimes you might not really like the girl. You might not even want to talk to her. But sometimes something about her that you want to talk to her for. … You know, that’s where me and my boy Paul differ like. ’Cause he got one girl and he’s been with her for a while now—well a few months. But like, see I be thinking to myself—I even told him sometime, “That’s crazy. I can’t do that, man.” I mean just for one girl. I get tired of her.
While describing the subtleties of affection and desire, Malcolm speaks about his unwillingness to enter into a steady relationship with a girl. Although “his boy Paul”3 maintains such a relationship, Malcolm has no interest. Malcolm’s response, unlike his earlier responses, sounds stereotypically adolescent and male.
When asked if he thinks his opinions about girls will change in the future, Malcolm says:
So I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to quit or if I’m, you know, just going to keep going the way I am [seeing many girls at one time].
Do you mind if it just continues to stay this way?
Well, I do mind in a way because I’d rather have a girl that’s trustful, that’s faithful, and trustful and I want to be the same way to her. And have a kid so he can look up to me like that. But then when I be thinking about having a little son. I want him to be able to do the same [as me], but I don’t want him seeing me do that to his mother, though, you know?
Malcolm describes a complex relational dilemma. He understands that he has separate desires, and in order for one set of desires to be fulfilled he may have to sacrifice the other. Although there is a “youthful” quality to Malcolm’s perspective, there is also a certain sophistication: the answer to Mike’s question is not simply “yes” or “no.” Malcolm engages with Mike’s question, tosses it around, weighs the pros and cons of following different paths of action and ends on an unresolved note. Malcolm seems reflective, forthcoming, and honest during this freshman-year interview.
When asked about his feelings about sex, Malcolm moves into what sounds like a “cool” voice:
What is sex for you?
Well, I don’t really know how to put it but like … it makes you feel more relaxed so after a while you can’t really—I can’t really say that I put all my feelings into it. But like when I do it, it’s like it’s mostly like an accomplishment. Where like, I, in my mind, I be like, “Yeah, I got that.” You know I won’t go around telling. But sometimes like, if a dude asks you, you know, I be like, “Yeah, I been with her,” and stuff like that. You know certain girls—I mean certain dudes’ll look up to you like if you got a real fine girl. And you know for yourself that’d be an accomplishment because you want it. But see they’ll look up to you, be like, “Yeah, he must be good because he got her.”
Similar to his relationships with his “associates,” Malcolm says he doesn’t “put all [his] feelings” into his sexual relations. Even when he admits to getting emotionally