The Essential Works of P. G. Wodehouse. P. G. WodehouseЧитать онлайн книгу.

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      Sunshine was gilding the grounds of Brinkley Court and the ear detected a marked twittering of birds in the ivy outside the window when I woke next morning to a new day. But there was no corresponding sunshine in Bertram Wooster's soul and no answering twitter in his heart as he sat up in bed, sipping his cup of strengthening tea. It could not be denied that to Bertram, reviewing the happenings of the previous night, the Tuppy-Angela situation seemed more or less to have slipped a cog. With every desire to look for the silver lining, I could not but feel that the rift between these two haughty spirits had now reached such impressive proportions that the task of bridging same would be beyond even my powers.

      I am a shrewd observer, and there had been something in Tuppy's manner as he booted that plate of ham sandwiches that seemed to tell me that he would not lightly forgive.

      In these circs., I deemed it best to shelve their problem for the nonce and turn the mind to the matter of Gussie, which presented a brighter picture.

      With regard to Gussie, everything was in train. Jeeves's morbid scruples about lacing the chap's orange juice had put me to a good deal of trouble, but I had surmounted every obstacle in the old Wooster way. I had secured an abundance of the necessary spirit, and it was now lying in its flask in the drawer of the dressing-table. I had also ascertained that the jug, duly filled, would be standing on a shelf in the butler's pantry round about the hour of one. To remove it from that shelf, sneak it up to my room, and return it, laced, in good time for the midday meal would be a task calling, no doubt, for address, but in no sense an exacting one.

      It was with something of the emotions of one preparing a treat for a deserving child that I finished my tea and rolled over for that extra spot of sleep which just makes all the difference when there is man's work to be done and the brain must be kept clear for it.

      And when I came downstairs an hour or so later, I knew how right I had been to formulate this scheme for Gussie's bucking up. I ran into him on the lawn, and I could see at a glance that if ever there was a man who needed a snappy stimulant, it was he. All nature, as I have indicated, was smiling, but not Augustus Fink-Nottle. He was walking round in circles, muttering something about not proposing to detain us long, but on this auspicious occasion feeling compelled to say a few words.

      "Ah, Gussie," I said, arresting him as he was about to start another lap. "A lovely morning, is it not?"

      Even if I had not been aware of it already, I could have divined from the abruptness with which he damned the lovely morning that he was not in merry mood. I addressed myself to the task of bringing the roses back to his cheeks.

      "I've got good news for you, Gussie."

      He looked at me with a sudden sharp interest.

      "Has Market Snodsbury Grammar School burned down?"

      "Not that I know of."

      "Have mumps broken out? Is the place closed on account of measles?"

      "No, no."

      "Then what do you mean you've got good news?"

      I endeavoured to soothe.

      "You mustn't take it so hard, Gussie. Why worry about a laughably simple job like distributing prizes at a school?"

      "Laughably simple, eh? Do you realize I've been sweating for days and haven't been able to think of a thing to say yet, except that I won't detain them long. You bet I won't detain them long. I've been timing my speech, and it lasts five seconds. What the devil am I to say, Bertie? What do you say when you're distributing prizes?"

      I considered. Once, at my private school, I had won a prize for Scripture knowledge, so I suppose I ought to have been full of inside stuff. But memory eluded me.

      Then something emerged from the mists.

      "You say the race is not always to the swift."

      "Why?"

      "Well, it's a good gag. It generally gets a hand."

      "I mean, why isn't it? Why isn't the race to the swift?"

      "Ah, there you have me. But the nibs say it isn't."

      "But what does it mean?"

      "I take it it's supposed to console the chaps who haven't won prizes."

      "What's the good of that to me? I'm not worrying about them. It's the ones that have won prizes that I'm worrying about, the little blighters who will come up on the platform. Suppose they make faces at me."

      "They won't."

      "How do you know they won't? It's probably the first thing they'll think of. And even if they don't—Bertie, shall I tell you something?"

      "What?"

      "I've a good mind to take that tip of yours and have a drink."

      I smiled. He little knew, about summed up what I was thinking.

      "Oh, you'll be all right," I said.

      He became fevered again.

      "How do you know I'll be all right? I'm sure to blow up in my lines."

      "Tush!"

      "Or drop a prize."

      "Tut!"

      "Or something. I can feel it in my bones. As sure as I'm standing here, something is going to happen this afternoon which will make everybody laugh themselves sick at me. I can hear them now. Like hyenas.... Bertie!"

      "Hullo?"

      "Do you remember that kids' school we went to before Eton?"

      "Quite. It was there I won my Scripture prize."

      "Never mind about your Scripture prize. I'm not talking about your Scripture prize. Do you recollect the Bosher incident?"

      I did, indeed. It was one of the high spots of my youth.

      "Major-General Sir Wilfred Bosher came to distribute the prizes at that school," proceeded Gussie in a dull, toneless voice. "He dropped a book. He stooped to pick it up. And, as he stooped, his trousers split up the back."

      "How we roared!"

      Gussie's face twisted.

      "We did, little swine that we were. Instead of remaining silent and exhibiting a decent sympathy for a gallant officer at a peculiarly embarrassing moment, we howled and yelled with mirth. I loudest of any. That is what will happen to me this afternoon, Bertie. It will be a judgment on me for laughing like that at Major-General Sir Wilfred Bosher."

      "No, no, Gussie, old man. Your trousers won't split."

      "How do you know they won't? Better men than I have split their trousers. General Bosher was a D.S.O., with a fine record of service on the north-western frontier of India, and his trousers split. I shall be a mockery and a scorn. I know it. And you, fully cognizant of what I am in for, come babbling about good news. What news could possibly be good to me at this moment except the information that bubonic plague had broken out among the scholars of Market Snodsbury Grammar School, and that they were all confined to their beds with spots?"

      The moment had come for me to speak. I laid a hand gently on his shoulder. He brushed it off. I laid it on again. He brushed it off once more. I was endeavouring to lay it on for the third time, when he moved aside and desired, with a certain petulance, to be informed if I thought I was a ruddy osteopath.

      I found his manner trying, but one has to make allowances. I was telling myself that I should be seeing a very different Gussie after lunch.

      "When I said I had good news, old man, I meant about Madeline Bassett."

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