More Toasts. VariousЧитать онлайн книгу.
"I'se repelled to put you out, nigger. Don't you see dar's nowhere else to put you?" reasoned the umpire.
They were getting up a ball game in a small town and lacked one player. They finally persuaded an old fellow to fill in, although he said he had never played before. He went to the bat and the first ball pitched he knocked over the fence. Every one stood and watched the ball, even the batter. Excitedly they told him to run. "Shucks!" he said, "what's the use of running, I'll buy you another ball."
An Englishman was seeing his first game of baseball, and the "fan" was explaining the different plays as they were being made.
"Don't you think it's great?" enthusiastically asked the "fan."
"Well," replied the Englishman, "I think it's very exciting, but also a very dangerous game."
"Dangerous nothing," replied the fan.
Just then a runner was put out at second base.
"What has happened now?" asked the Englishman.
"Chick Smith has died at second," laconically replied the fan.
"Died at second?" replied the astonished Briton. "I knew it was a dangerous game."
They arrived at the fifth inning.
"What's the score, Jim?" he asked a fan.
"Nothing to nothing," was the reply.
"Oh, goody!" she exclaimed. "We haven't missed a thing!"
At the base ball game.
SHE—"What's the man running for?"
HE—"He hit the ball."
SHE—"I know. But is he required to chase it, too?"
An Englishman was once persuaded to see a game of baseball, and during the play, when he happened to look away for a moment, a foul tip caught him on the ear and knocked him senseless. On coming to himself, he asked faintly, "What was it?"
"A foul—only a foul!"
"Good heavens!" he exclaimed. "A fowl? I thought it was a mule."
BATHS AND BATHING
"S-s-s-s-sus-say, ma," stammered Bobby, through the suds, as his mother scrubbed and scrubbed him, "I guess you want to get rid o' me, don't you?"
"Why, no, Bobby dear," replied his mother. "Whatever put such an idea into your mind?"
"Oh, nuthin'," said Bobby, "only it seems to me you're tryin' to rub me out."
PA—"At last I've found a way to make that young scamp of ours stop winking his eyes."
MA—"Really?"
PA—"Yes; I'll show him the article in this science magazine where it says that every time we wink we give the eye a bath."
BEAUTY, PERSONAL
"Is she very pretty?"
"Pretty? Say! when she gets on a street-car the advertising is a total loss."
"I don't like these photos at all," he said, "I look like an ape."
The photographer favored him with a glance of lofty disdain.
"You should have thought of that before you had them taken," was his reply as he turned back to work.
"We're giving Baxby a farewell dinner and I'm to respond to the toast, 'None but the brave deserves the fair.'"
"Sorry for you, old top. You'll have to prove that Baxby is an utter coward, or that he isn't getting what is his due."
The Chinese are not given to flattery. A gentleman called at a Chinese laundry for his clothes. On receiving the package he noticed some Chinese characters marked upon it. He asked, pointing to the lettering:
"That's my name, I suppose?"
"No; 'scliption," was the Chinaman's bland reply. "'Lil ol' man, closs-eyed, no teeth.'"—Everybody's.
BEGGING
"Some men have no hearts," said the tramp. "I've been a-tellin' that feller I am so dead broke that I have to sleep outdoors."
"Didn't that fetch him?" asked the other.
"Naw. He tol' me he was a-doin' the same thing, and had to pay the doctor for tellin' him to do it."
DEAF-AND-DUMB BEGGAR—"Do you think it looks like rain, Bill?"
BLIND BEGGAR—"I dasn't look up to see—here comes one o' my best customers!"—Puck.
He who begs timidly courts a refusal.—Seneca.
The matron passed a handout to the disreputable hobo, remarking curtly, "If you don't mind, eat it outside."
"Bless yer, I'm used to it," he answered. "When I was at home and in clover, as it were, it was me daily custom, when donnin' me dress suit, to announce to me valet, 'Parkins, don't await dinner fer me tonight. I'm dinin' out.'"
BEQUESTS
"There's a story connected with this diamond," said Heinie, pointing to a big, handsome stone which sparkled in his shirt front. "A friend of mine by the name of Meyer lay sick in bed. I being his best friend, he sent for me and said:
"'Heinie, I'm a very sick man. I ain't got long to live. I'm worth a lot of money, and I'm going to leave it all to you and my other friends. But I want you to do me one favor. Take this money and when I'm dead and laid away buy me a nice stone.'
"Those were Meyer's last words, and the day of the funeral I bought this stone. But how can I give it to him when he's dead?"
BETTING
"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I am glad to see you taking as much interest in politics as you formerly took in racing."
"It is the duty of every man and woman to take an interest in politics."
"Do you wish me to vote for the same candidate that you do?"
"Why shouldn't you?"
"I thought it might be a good idea for me to vote for the other one. It would be a satisfaction to feel that one or the other of us has at last succeeded in picking a winner."
A Scottish gentleman on a trip to New Orleans went to see his first horse-race. He was feeling very reckless, and decided to risk one dollar, choosing a forty-to-one shot, as that looked like the largest percentage of gain. By a miracle his horse won, and upon handing his ticket to the bookmaker, he received forty dollars.
"Do I get all this for my dollar?" he asked. Upon being assured that he did, he exclaimed. "Hoots! how long has this been going on?"
Little Pat and big Mike had had a dispute, when Mike in contempt said: "Ye little runt, Oi bet I could carry yez up to the fifth story in me hod."
Pat