Your children are not your children. Павел ЭрзяйкинЧитать онлайн книгу.

      The desire to bring up «right» comes from the fear to make a mistake and possibly to be ashamed of bringing up somebody «wrong» for society. This isn’t because society can really judge us – we judge ourselves ahead, choosing to do everything right, according to the ideals (nobody knows who and when created) as the cornerstone of our upbringing. Parents get preoccupied by their own image – not to be guilty, not to be a looser. They want to have such a child so that everybody will see what a good mother you are. Then, your sacrifice and tortures won’t be in vain, and you will be able to justify your failed life for devoting it to your son: he has become such a «nice» guy – meaning that your denial of your private life and your failure to become a «friend,» a «lover,» a «wife,» a «specialist» were not in vain.

      Children’s upbringing by mothers concerned with public opinion is perceived by these mothers as something ideally right. They don’t take into account the child’s potential and personality. The mother considers her child as something made of modelling clay, which can be shaped according to public expectations. Then these public ideals turn to be «dead» and not working, but the child filled with them entering the world becomes inadequate. Have you heard parents saying to their child, «Money is good. Look at businessmen – learn from them, open your own business, take a risk and start earning money.» This is never told. On the contrary, parents try to leave their children in the fairy tale, supporting their infantility and capriciousness. Because if children are weak, always cry and can’t step aside from their parents, these very parents start having the reason for life: «At least somebody needs us.»

      Children, being dependent and feeling parents’ pressure, can’t decide to protest for a long time, can’t achieve anything and proclaim their individuality. Not being able to earn their living, to live separate, to be supported by friends, they are left face to face with their parents, grandparents – adults, having some rights and plans for their children. In his novel «The man who laughs,» Victor Hugo told about comprachikos (in Spanish – «children buyer»), who turned stolen kids into monsters (putting some parts of their bodies into blocks to break body proportions during physical development) and then sold them as entertainment (jesters) for the Royal court. Social upbringing reminds of the comprachikos’ actions: when we put some parts of children’s personalities into blocks, preventing natural development and somehow castrating them, depriving them of the internal harmony.

      Сhildren may even die if they don’t have the environment, the ways and chances to fulfill their potential. Children understand it not at the intellectual, but at the natural level, and then they choose «not to live» – to die or fall ill. Only in the first year the child receives strong support from parents. First steps, first words, first using of the baby potty – everything is encouraged and causes a storm of emotions in adults, that’s why after birth children develop so rapidly. Then, when two-year-old children say that they will do everything themselves («I’ll cook myself, wash myself, sweep myself»), their development is slowed down by parents.

      Children's willingness to take risks, crazyness, activeness and participation in life, the desire to influence, to build, to create frightens inert parents. They begin to forbid, talking about some stupid consequences, which they have never met or seen themselves. Immediately they get scared and start evaluating, «It’s bad,» «This is no good,» «You can get sick.» Parents fear that children will not need them and try to intimidate them – «You will break it!», «You don’t know how…», «You will spoil it.» Children insist – parents first bribe, and if it doesn’t work, start intimidating and punishing. This is how the Fear of Fear and Fear of Pain are formed. They paralyze children and make them passive. In addition, children grow with the feeling that things, food and neighbors – all external – are more important for parents than the manifestation of their children’s personalities.

      «Good children» are «dead children.» Their parents succeeded in killing their individuality, intuition, creativity, joy, spontaneity, initiative and passion. These are scared children, having lost their childhood and the source of life. Children who are «alive» are always «crazy,» they are beyond the limits of our understanding of expedience, appropriateness and rightness and therefore they can’t be good – they will get in our hair, annoy us and bother with strange ideas and tricks. In fact, children are capable of doing absurd things (from our point of view): they can turn chairs into planes, paper into money and glass into diamonds. We don’t understand that, we don’t want to understand and immediately forbid, just in case, trying «to make an order in the dark room»: «You can’t! Boogeyman will take you up!» – «Why?» – «Just because…» – «But what have I done?» – «You mustn’t! That’s all! When you grow up, you will understand. Now you are too little to protest!»

      I remember a woman came to me to consult, and I asked her to write an application for a «good son,» and she was absolutely serious writing that she wanted him to do this and that and to say so…

      She wasn’t an exception – I often met parents, who «played» parents, then the «toy» broke down and they went to the psychologist: «Repair him for me. I was bringing him up, but suddenly he broke down and became unsuitable for use, uncontrolled, restless and a stupid parasite.» At the same time the mother was sure that everything was OK with her, it was only with a child that something was wrong. So first of all I consult this mother, and then get down to a child, and if the mother doesn’t understand, it’s useless to treat the child. When you communicate with these mothers, there is a feeling that their only desire is to kill children’s personality as quickly as possible and make them suitable for control, the so-called «handheld robots.» If you want to play – turn on the toy, if you lose the desire – turn it off. Well, luckily that mother quickly realized that she couldn’t get a child with the help of application. This would no longer be a child, but a doll.

      I always repeat: learn to live from children. A man came to me: «I don’t know what to do – troubles are everywhere, nothing can be worth…» I ask him: «Don’t you have a son?» – «Yes, he is a year and a half.» – «Tell me about him. How does he wake up?» – «He opens his eyes and says: „Wow!“ – „How does he fall asleep?“ – „With a potato chip in his mouth. As soon as he reaches his bed, he falls asleep like a dead man.“ We all have such a little wise man and a life teacher. Unlike adults, children haven’t tasted meanness, intrigues, lies, pain, fear, betrayal, corruption – these are the only things they do not know about life. If you want to start living – look at your child and learn. He can live, but you have forgotten what it means. He doesn’t care, and you are within the limits. He lives and plays at full swing, whereas you’re dumb and lazy. If you have left your mobile at home – it can be now anywhere: in the washing machine or in the toilet bowl. This way our children try to make us conscious, responsible and included in life. It’s a perfect training for parents.

      Children return us to life, but we beat them, because we don’t feel the ability to live – we have lost it, because we were beaten, and it seems we will never be able to live like they do. We shall. Learn to live from children until they become „dead.“1 30 per cent of children are „dead“ up to the age of five, 70 per cent – after school and there remains only 12 per cent of „alive“ children after college. Look, how many people are a success after their college or university experience? Where are the rest? We attended the same lectures, studied in the same group and listened to the same professors. Where have they gone? Where will your children go when they grow up? They will be OK if you don’t impose your philosophy of the norm upon them and tell them what kind of people they should be, right from