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except you, Hannah,” she says, looking a bit shocked. “I didn’t mean you, even though you are a lot more mature than the rest of us. Like Taste the Difference cheddar, you know.”
Cheddar? Now I’m like cheese? I can’t speak, in case another one of those funny noises makes its presence felt. Luckily, I don’t have to: the person behind me intercedes on my behalf.
“Hannah’s fine,” she says. “Though she may have scalded her legs a bit. I’ll go with her while she puts cold water on them.”
Then she takes me firmly by the arm and shepherds me out of the office.
“Thanks, er … um,” I say, as we make our way along the corridor towards the ladies’ loos. Who is this Good Samaritan?
“Esther,” she says. “We met when I came for my interview, a couple of weeks ago.”
I must have been on another planet at the time as I don’t recall ever meeting this girl before, even though I can see her more clearly now my eyes have finally stopped being so inexplicably watery. Girl is a bit of a misnomer, actually, as Esther is definitely a lot older than the Fembot, at first glance. On second thoughts, though, maybe she isn’t. I think it’s just her clothes and hair which give that impression: she’s probably only about thirty-five.
“Nice to meet you, Esther,” I say, shaking her hand. “And thanks for coming to the rescue, too. I don’t know what came over me.”
“Listening to your boss, I should think,” says Esther, pretty much hitting the nail on the head. “All the other staff seem nice, but does she really despise anyone older than her as much as she just sounded as if she did?”
“Not everyone,” I say, as I finish taking off my tights, then stick one foot into the sink and turn the cold tap on. “Only older women, as far as I can tell. Older men seem to be in a different category: the lust-worthy one. Oh, sod it all to hell and back.”
I’ve turned the tap on too far and now there’s water all over my dress, as well as on my leg. The Fembot will probably assume I’m incontinent, and order a Tena Lady dispensing machine for the loo, clearly marked for my use only. Then she’ll ask Dan out on a date … or someone even younger will.
“A-a-arrhhh,” I say. Out loud, despite biting my tongue again, which just makes the sob more hiccupy. Then, before I know it, I’ve taken my foot out of the sink and am sliding down the wall onto the cold tiled floor, where I sit wailing like a baby. In front of a brand new member of staff. I think I’d better ask for permission to go home. Again.
* * *
That’s better. I’ve got a grip now, thanks to back-to-back episodes of Friends on Comedy Central, though I’ll probably get fired if I take any more time off work. The Fembot made that pretty clear before she told me I could go home early “yet again”.
It was worth her disapproval, though. After four hours of lying on the sofa and watching how much fun you can have when you’re single, I am fine with this. Absolutely, completely fine. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I think it’s going to be exciting, which is one thing life with Dan hasn’t been for donkey’s years.
All I need to do is find somewhere to live – a house-share with a few cool, fun people, preferably my age – and then Bob’s your uncle! Before you can say, “hot pants”, I’ll be youngish, free and single, and having a ball. (I ruled out “middle-aged, free and single” because it didn’t have the same ring.)
I can see my new life now, as clear as day. After work (where I’ll be responsible for something that doesn’t involve icons), I’ll rush home to get changed into something simple and chic (but dazzlingly sexy), then I’ll swig a quick glass of chilled white wine in the kitchen while my funny, affectionate new friends quiz me about whether tonight’s date is “good enough” for me.
Then my taxi will arrive and I’ll waft off into the night, leaving behind a trail of Chanel or whatever’s cool these days, and arrive fashionably late at a little Italian restaurant: one that only the most sophisticated man would know about. It’ll be intime, and the maître d’ will not only know my date’s name, but he’ll give him the thumbs-up approvingly when he thinks that I’m not looking.
I suppose I might have to eat from one of those stupid wooden chopping boards with handles (the ones Dan always calls “totally pretentious”), but the food will be great, and – who knows – being single might prove so good for my cholesterol levels that I won’t have to pull a bottle of Benecol out of my bag and swig it as soon as I’ve finished eating, for once.
And there’ll be conversation, too – proper conversation, not just moaning about work, and Joel, and why he and Dan never throw toilet-roll inners into the bin – and there’ll be eye contact, as well. Lots of eye contact, so intense it’ll fire up all those neurons or whatever those things are that give you the shivers when you’re filled with lust. If my neurons aren’t all dead from lack of use, of course.
Afterwards, my date will say, “I don’t want the night to end yet, Hannah. Your place … or mine?”
I’m having a hot flush just thinking about it. Well, not a hot flush, because sexy single women don’t have hot flushes. It’s a bit humid for January, that’s all.
Where was I? Oh, yes – so while I’m playing at being Charlize Theron or Keira Knightley in one of those perfume ads, and staring deep into Mr Suave’s gorgeous eyes, Dan’ll just be lying on the sofa watching TV, and only remembering that I don’t live with him any more when he glances across to see if I’ve noticed the covert nap that he’s just woken from. No more watching his eyes glaze over when I tell him about the Fembot’s latest idiotic idea, either, or when I ask him where we’ve gone wrong with Joel; no more being “mum” first, and a woman second, and no more boring Hannah without anything resembling a social life. I’ll get a makeover, and become a cougar or whatever Courteney Cox is called these days. It’s all going to be better than fine.
All I need to do to get to Friends-cum-perfume-advert land is take control. No more wallowing in self-pity, and no more keeping what’s happening to myself, in the hope that it will go away. Dan and I will tell Joel when he gets home from work tonight – just like we agreed we would last night. Then, as soon as I’ve found somewhere to live, I’ll move out, leaving the pair of them free to fill the whole house with empty toilet-roll inners, if they like. That’s if they can spare the time to go to the loo while binge-watching episodes of Half-Naked Brits in Ibiza. I won’t care. I’ll be too busy drinking, dancing and being interesting again. Just like I used to be when I married Dan, all those years ago.
By the time I wake up from another very uncougar-like nap on the sofa, Dan and Joel are both in the living room, though they’re not talking to each other. Joel’s too busy yelling abuse at a faceless stranger who’s annoyed him by killing him when he wasn’t looking. (Young guys are so rude to each other when playing Call of Duty online, I’m sure it’s a major factor in the lack of world peace.)
I pull a disapproving face, then tell Joel to shove up and make room for me on the sofa.
“Keep quiet, Mum,” he says. “I’ve already messed up once, thanks to Dad.”
“I had the temerity to ask him what he fancied for dinner,” says Dan, before he stands up and moves towards the door. He can’t bear to be in the same room as me for more than five minutes at the moment.
“Hang on a sec, Dan,” I say. “I thought we were going to speak to Joel together.”
“But –” says Dan, as Joel throws the controller onto the floor and sighs as if the world is ending. Which I suppose it’s about to, in a way.
“What?”