Should Have Been Her Child. Stella BagwellЧитать онлайн книгу.
him. It hurt too much. Instead, she turned her back to him and drew in a ragged breath that seared her lungs. “We both know you never loved me, Jess. So don’t try to act like the injured soul.”
A tense, pregnant moment passed. Finally he said in a soft, accusing voice, “You don’t know anything about me. I don’t believe you ever did.”
She swallowed, struggling to push down the tears that continued to scald her throat. “I know enough. I know that if you’d really wanted me, you wouldn’t have let me go. You wouldn’t have walked away. And you wouldn’t have waited four years to come back.”
Behind her, Jess closed his eyes while silently cursing himself. He shouldn’t be saying any of this to her. She was right. All that had happened between them was over. Long in the past. Yet in his heart their affair was as fresh as the scent of flowers on her skin.
“Maybe I was waiting on you to come to me,” he countered.
Gasping softly, she whirled to face him. “That’s a lie. If I heard correctly, you got married not long after you went to El Paso.”
Shadows flickered in his gray eyes as he tried to tamp down a barrage of bitter emotions. “After a few months I had to accept you weren’t ever going to change. Or leave your daddy. I had to get on with my life.”
Back then, the news of Jess’s marriage had very nearly destroyed Victoria. Even now the idea crushed her with loss and regret. She’d desperately wanted to marry him, be his wife and make their home on the Hastings ranch. But then he’d gotten the chance to join the border patrol and suddenly it was more important for him to go to Texas than to stay in New Mexico with her.
Looking back on it now, Victoria could see he’d been testing her, forcing her to choose between going with him or staying behind with her father. No woman should be forced to make such a choice, she thought sadly. Either option was going to make her a loser. And it had. She’d not only lost Jess, but now her father was gone from her life, too.
“Is that why you haven’t spoken to me since you’ve come back to San Juan County?” she asked him. “Because your wife would be jealous? Or did you ever tell her about me?”
He stared at her, his brow puckered with a bewildered frown. “Don’t tell me you haven’t heard?”
Victoria shook her head as a strange premonition washed over her. “Heard what? That you’re divorced? That doesn’t surprise me. You certainly aren’t behaving as if you’re a married man.”
The frown on his face deepened and she watched him swallow convulsively as he glanced away from her. “My wife and I divorced more than a year ago. But since then Regina was killed.”
Stunned, Victoria stared at him. Why hadn’t Alice or Will told her, she wondered. Had he ordered them not to? “I—I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” she murmured brokenly. “How? When?”
He turned his gaze back to her and Victoria decided his features looked as though they were carved from stone. “Seven months ago. In a car accident. She had our daughter with her at the time. But thank God Katrina wasn’t even scratched.”
His daughter! Jess had a child?
The room around her tilted as shock drained every ounce of color from her face. In a drawn voice, she asked, “You…have a daughter?”
He nodded and, for the first time since she’d seen him again, there was a real smile on his face.
“Yes, I have a daughter. Her name is Katrina,” he answered. “She just turned two-and-a-half.”
Victoria’s gaze fell to the floor as painful emotions slammed at her from all directions. Of course it was a logical thing for him to have a child. He’d been a married man. But in her heart Jess wasn’t supposed to have a daughter or son! Not without her.
“Congratulations,” she said quietly, then glancing back up at him she tried to smile, but she could feel her lips quivering from the effort. Hopefully, he wouldn’t notice her jerky smile or the dull pain in her eyes. “You must be very proud.”
Jess stepped behind the desk and picked up a small, wooden framed photograph. “She was a few months younger here,” he said, handing the photo to Victoria. “She’s grown quite a bit since then.”
Victoria studied the little round face topped with a thick thatch of golden-red curls. Baby teeth gleamed behind her impish grin. She resembled Jess in coloring and the shape of her features.
Staring down at the baby girl’s image, Victoria could only wonder how a child of his and hers would have looked. Like this one? Or would it have taken after her with the Ketchum’s dark hair and blue-green eyes? Don’t think about it, she scolded herself. Jess made his choice and it wasn’t making a life with you.
She handed the photo back to him. “She’s very beautiful, Jess.”
With a humble smile, he nodded. “Katrina wasn’t planned. But she’s definitely a blessing.”
Victoria watched him place the photo back on his desktop. “It must be…very hard trying to raise a little girl without a mother.”
“Ma helps. And the women who run the small day care over by Cedar Hill are very good with her. I realize it’s not the same, but—” Once again he came back around the desk to stand in front of her. “Regina never was much of a mother to Katrina anyway. After our divorce I was awarded custody.”
Questions buzzed in Victoria’s head, but she didn’t voice them. To ask any more about his personal life these past four years would be admitting that she was still interested. And she wasn’t! She couldn’t be. Not and keep her senses intact.
“And that’s the way you wanted it? To have total custody?”
He looked puzzled and more than a little offended at her question. “I understand you think of me as a—something lower than pond scum, but I do love my daughter, Victoria. I don’t want anyone raising her but me.”
Frustrated that he’d misunderstood, Victoria shook her head. “I didn’t mean—some men love their children very much but find they can’t cope with raising them alone. Especially babies. I’m honestly glad it’s different for you.”
Deciding she couldn’t take any more talk about Jess’s child, she started toward the door, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll let you get back to work.”
Once again Jess was quick to block her path. Tilting her head back, she looked up at him and was instantly caught off guard by the intimate questions swirling in his gray eyes.
“Why did you come here today, Tori?” he asked softly. “Really?”
Her mouth fell open, then closed as the sound of his voice, the nearness of his body, pulled on her like a sensual rope. It didn’t make sense that she could still want this man, she told herself frantically. He was a heartache just waiting to happen all over again.
“I told you,” she answered. “To talk to Deputy Redwing.”
Mockery twisted his rugged features. “This is the sheriff’s department. My office is here. You didn’t think there was a chance of running into me?”
Lifting her chin, she said, “I knew there was a chance. But you’re not the plague. Even if I do happen to cross your path, I’m not going to catch anything deadly. And anyway, I’m a doctor. I can cure most common afflictions.”
He suddenly chuckled and the warm sound whirled her back to happier times. Back when all Jess had seemed to want was to have her in his arms.
“I’ll remember that. Just in case I come down with one,” he taunted, then almost instantly his expression turned serious. “As for your earlier questions, I don’t have any news on the corpse. It was taken to a state forensics lab in Albuquerque for further investigation.”
She was surprised and grateful that he’d decided to at least tell her this much about