Rosie Thomas 4-Book Collection: Strangers, Bad Girls Good Women, A Woman of Our Times, All My Sins Remembered. Rosie ThomasЧитать онлайн книгу.
went into the kitchen and took out the bottle of wine she had bought for him.
She carried it back into Jessie’s room and held it out, an offering.
‘Let’s drink this. We’ll make our own celebration for her.’ She saw that Felix was looking at her, a long, careful look.
‘Jessie would like that,’ he said, at last.
Wouldn’t you? Julia wanted to ask him. Wouldn’t you like it, too? She remembered how she had wanted to comfort him when he came home on that terrible evening. She had been aware then that she had few enough resources to offer him, and she thought now that she didn’t know what they needed or wanted from each other.
Julia pushed the confusion of her feelings aside and held out the bottle. ‘Open it.’
They couldn’t sit in Jessie’s room. They went into Felix’s bedroom and perched on the bed. Julia had been in there only rarely, and she was surprised to see the drawings pinned over the mantelpiece. There were the pictures of herself and Mattie that Felix had done when they first moved in and beside them was the one of the two of them, with Josh, listening to Bill Haley. Felix didn’t look at it, and after the first glance Julia kept her head turned away from Josh’s.
They both discovered, suddenly, that they were ravenously hungry. Felix went to the kitchen for a loaf of bread and some ham, and they made thick, crumbly sandwiches. The first bottle of wine emptied rapidly, and Felix produced another. The bottle was dusty.
‘This is a first-growth claret,’ he told her, ‘I was saving it.’ Then he smiled, one of his rare complete smiles that made the austere angles of his face dissolve. ‘What better occasion is there than this one?’
Julia smiled back at him. He poured the dark wine into their glasses. Copying him, Julia sniffed it. At first there was nothing, but as the glass warmed in her hand she caught the scent of blackcurrants. They drank, looking at one another.
Felix settled the pillows behind them and they leaned back, their shoulders touching.
‘I miss her,’ he said softly.
‘I know.’
They didn’t talk about Jessie after that.
Julia lay back with her head almost against Felix’s shoulder. She looked around his room, at the work-table with papers and drawings spread out under the desk-light, at the bookshelves with their art and architecture books. She was thinking how separate he had managed to keep himself, detached from herself and Mattie, even in the confined space of the flat. This sudden closeness would have alarmed her, but for the drowsy elation lent by the wine. She sighed and let her eyes close. A strand of dark hair brushed Felix’s mouth.
She seemed very warm, so close to him. He could imagine the weight of her in his arms. The warmth, the solidity of another human being. His loneliness made him feel dry and papery beside Julia’s breathing, scented warmth. He took the lock of hair in his fingers and put it between his lips.
They lay very still, then.
Until Felix turned his head, almost against his own will. He saw the dark line of her eyelashes, and the fine down on her cheekbone. He leaned down and kissed the corner of her mouth. She lifted her hand, very slowly, and touched his face. The thin skin over his temple was almost the colour of violets. The colour, and the scent of the wine blurred in her head. A strand of her own hair still clung to his lip and she smoothed if carefully away. Felix was shaking.
A second later they were clinging together. He held her tightly, too tightly, and the kisses he planted all over her face were feverishly hot. Julia closed her eyes and Felix rolled awkwardly on top of her. Their faces pressed together as they searched for one another, huddling closer to obliterate their sadness. Felix saw how Julia buried her face against his shoulder, trying to shut out everything else, and he knew that she was lonely too. A little of his desperation slipped away, replaced by a kind of wondering tenderness. He wanted to hold her, and warm her, and make her happy.
Was this how to do it? He didn’t know this way, but he didn’t know any other way either. Josh would know all the ways, Felix thought. The image of Josh rose up at once to taunt him, and Felix lay still, trying to stare it down. Julia’s eyes opened at once, watching him.
Not Joshua Flood, not now.
Clumsily, he began to undo Julia’s clothes. She helped him, smiling a little, letting him examine her white skin. It was so pale that it was translucent. Over the points of her hip-bones he could see the blue net of veins. He bent his head to kiss her there, over the hard ridge of bone, and her finger knotted imperiously in his hair.
When he looked at her again he saw that her face was soft, her expression remote. She was unfathomable. Fear stirred inside him.
‘Now you,’ she whispered. Her hands with their inexpertly varnished fingernails touched the neck of his white shirt. He undid the buttons one by one as Julia watched him. The black, springy hair on his chest made the skin beneath look milky. Julia saw that his arms and shoulders were surprisingly muscular for the slightness of his build, and she smelt his clean sweat as he lifted his arms to stroke her cheek and then her breast. His wonderful colour made her feel pallid.
She whispered, ‘Felix.’
She had forgotten Josh, in that moment.
Felix knew what he must do.
He swung his legs abruptly over the side of the bed, and it struck him that it must look to Julia as if he was about to run away. He unbuckled his belt instead. He took off his trousers and socks, sitting with his back turned to her. Julia lay with her head pillowed on her hand, watching the way the bones of his spine moved smoothly under the skin.
Almost defiantly he turned to face her again, and lay down along the length of her. He pressed himself closer and the touch of her bare skin against his own, with all its sameness and difference, was utterly disconcerting.
Julia kissed him, and then with the tip of her tongue she outlined his mouth. It was a darting, mischievous flicker that he felt almost as a taunt. His hand settled uncertainly in the hollow of her waist.
‘Felix,’ she whispered again.
‘Wait,’ he murmured. He reached up and turned off the light. The darkness settled comfortingly around them. Under its protection he began to stroke her, letting his hands cover her thin shoulders and the ripple of her ribcage, her little, hard breasts and the concave space between her hip-bones. He could feel that she was perfectly beautiful, a flawless and completely contained entity, like a painting or a sculpture. The recognition excited him and he felt himself grow harder. His hands seemed clumsy now and he bent his head so that he could explore the beguiling shape of her with his mouth. She gave herself up to him, but he could hear her jagged breaths. Felix had mistrusted her knowingness, but now he was sure she was as innocent as himself. He wanted to say something loving, but he could only summon up her name, whispered over and over against her cheek.
‘It’s all right,’ she murmured, holding him in her arms. ‘It’s all, all right.’
He took her hand then and guided it, showing her how to move her fist around him. He groaned with sudden, surprising pleasure as she grasped him, as unerringly as he would have done it himself.
Julia only knew how much she wanted him. The simplicity of it amazed her.
She turned to him, offering herself. He touched her, very gently, and she lifted her hips to him. Felix felt the complicated folds, seemingly countless layers turning in on themselves, utterly foreign. The flesh was so soft and moist that it seemed to dissolve under his fingertips. Julia stirred restlessly in his arms and he felt fear renew itself. The darkness grew threatening instead of reassuring. Felix jerked himself on to all fours and knelt over her. He was certain only of the need to do it now, at once, if he was going to do it at all.
Julia drew her lip between her teeth, sensing the weight of him hanging over her. She thought briefly of what would happen if he made her pregnant, because she was sure that Felix wouldn’t