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the other side get what he or she truly wants. In many ways “win-win” sounds like a great
concept, and if both sides can meet their needs, that is ideal. However, in the world of reality, “win-win” negotiation is dead. You have a position and something you want. In contrast, the other side has a position and something they want. You are not responsible for the other side achieving their goals, being satisfied, or meeting their needs. This may sound harsh or insensitive to you, but conversely, they are not responsible for your needs, success, or happiness either. What is most important when negotiating is to get what you want and then end the negotiation by getting out! If you can help the other side, great! If you don’t want to help the other side, then fine. What is more important than the other side is focusing on what you want and your interests. If you do not focus on yourself, your interests and your situation, then no one else will!
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Reason to Study Negotiation #6: Every Human Interaction Is a Negotiation
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Reason to Study Negotiation #6:
Every Human Interaction Is a
Negotiation
N
egotiation begins the second you come into contact with another human being.
Negotiation is like riding a bike.
When was the last time you did not get what you wanted? And why is it that we don’t get what we want?
—In North America we live in a society that is conditioned to accept what we are given. We are not taught to ask for what we want. We are born, grow up, and go to school while serving the system and filling the demands of our teachers, parents, and employers. Nowhere in the system of conditioning are we asked about what we want. We are not taught to think about what we want or assert our positions. This failure to identify and go after what we want is a downfall of North American culture and makes us less competitive in business around the world.
In Canada and the United States, we are worried about being polite and not offending the other side. Unfortunately, our success is directly correlated to our ability to have hard conversations. We must become comfortable with being uncomfortable and asserting our position to get what we want.
We pay the highest prices for everything in Canada and the United States
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relative to the rest of the world, and we pay high prices because we are conditioned to accept what we are given. When we go shopping at Walmart, we pay the sticker price for every item in the store; we don’t bother negotiating or asking for a better price because of conditioning. In other countries around the world like Mexico, China, and India, goods and services are negotiated, and it’s an accepted part of the culture. Ironically, China, Mexico, and India are becoming some of the most competitive players in the global business arena right now while the United States and Canada fall behind.
To become competitive and get what we want, we must negotiate. Everything we want is currently in the hands of someone else, and the only way to get it is to negotiate.
Most people have problems asking for what we want and getting what we want. We typically get what people give us.
Why?
When you were born you were a good negotiator. When you cried for your mother’s milk, she gave it to you. That is why you are alive and able to read this; if you didn’t win your first negotiation, you wouldn’t be here today. Children and babies understand how to negotiate, they point at something they want and cry and scream until they get it. Somehow in the process of growing up and going through social conditioning we lose our innate ability to negotiate and get what we want.
Why is that?
Every human interaction is negotiation, whether it’s dating or trying to get your wife to agree to buying a new house or deciding on a restaurant. If you’re trying to get your boss to give you the hot new project or a raise, you will have to negotiate. Everyone wants something.
Every human interaction is a negotiation: every look, every touch, and every sound you make is the beginning, middle, or end of a live negotiation. Positions change over time and may become stronger or weaker depending on the circumstances. For example, it may be impossible to get a date with the prom queen when she’s on stage wearing a tiara and a sash surrounded by friends, allies, and admirers. However, it would be much
Reason to Study Negotiation #6: Every Human Interaction Is a Negotiation
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easier to get a date with her two weeks later when she breaks up with her boyfriend and is crying behind the school bleachers alone wearing a dirty pair of sweat pants. Great negotiators know how to manipulate time to their advantage and know that positions change as time moves on, and a stalemate today is a deal tomorrow.
As a graduate of a post-secondary institution and having spent sixteen years in school, I learned many things, but very few important things for getting I wanted out of life. In fact, no one ever asked in elementary school, middle school, high school, or university anything about what I wanted.
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me
that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked
me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’.
They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them
they didn’t understand life.”
—John Lennon
It wasn’t until four years after graduating from post-secondary education and in my pursuit of becoming a professional real estate investor did I discover that negotiation was even a subject! I was shocked at the difference between what it took to become a smart negotiator versus what it took to succeed in school and get A’s.
To be a good negotiator you must be defiant, know what you want, assert your position, ask, question, challenge, validate, and get what you want. It is a completely opposite skill set from anything taught in traditional schools, and I can see why. The traditional school system was designed in Prussia long ago. In fact, Prussia is no longer a country, but the school system that originated in Prussia still exists. The system was designed to create obedient soldiers and employees, and the last thing that the masters of society want are an army of children who know how to negotiate. If the children knew how to negotiate in schools, there would be riots and anarchy. Best of all, the school system would have to reform because it is
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an outdated dinosaur that needs to die for our society to move forward. I am not attacking education; in fact, I am a huge supporter of education. Education is one of the most important investments a society can make to elevate itself. However, the current school system does the complete opposite by failing to teach people how to negotiate.
Learning to negotiate is one of the top skills for financial success in the modern world. The average college graduate today in 2016 will change careers on average every four years, and as time passes and technology accelerates, I anticipate that careers will become even shorter. The children of today and of the future will need