You Really Couldn't Make It Up: More Hilarious-But-True Stories From Around Britain. Jack CrossleyЧитать онлайн книгу.
Mucking and Messing are two place names in Essex.
The Times
Peter Luff MP recalls ‘a poem of place names in my constituency’:
Upton Snodsbury, Tibberton and Crowle
Wyre Piddle, North Piddle, Piddle in the Hole.
Sadly, writes Mr Luff, modern maps omit the last of these and it now lives on only as the appropriate name of a fine, locally brewed beer.
Daily Telegraph
Imagine my delight to learn from the packaging that my Tesco Premium teabags are ‘Suitable for everyday use. Throughout the day.’
Richard Arch, London NW, The Times
On the pack of a purchase from a garden centre: ‘Kills ants for up to five weeks.’
Catherine Henderson, Lancaster, The Times
Found on the underside of a box of sweets: ‘Do not read while the carton is open.’
Chris Spurrier, Hampshire, The Times
A woman writes from America to tell the Daily Telegraph about the Harry Potter broomstick given to her five-year-old. The packaging read: ‘Caution. Broom does not really fly.’
On the handlebars of a child’s scooter: ‘Caution. This product moves when used.’
Martin G Sexton, Norwich, The Times
Sign on a farm fence in Colwyn Bay: ‘Well rotted horse manure £1. Or DIY 50p’.
Daily Mail
Label on Tesco Pudding Rice: ‘Ideal for rice puddings.’
Norman Braidwood, Edinburgh, The Times
Sign at a van sales room in Beckenham: ‘All major credit cards excepted.’
Anthony Vigurs, The Times
Warning on an item of clothing: ‘The hemp used in this garment is non-toxic and cannot be used as a drug.’
The Times
People keep stealing a street sign identifying Butt Hole Road, Conisbrough, South Yorkshire. American tourists are suspected.
Sheffield Star
Label on a glass paperweight: ‘Easy to use.’
‘This I can confirm to be true,’ writes Paul McLure of Exeter in The Times.
A sign in Musselburgh, East Lothian, points to: ‘Toilets’. Underneath it another sign says: ‘Free P’.
Daily Mail
Sign in a butcher’s shop in the Yorkshire Dales: ‘Orders may be placed by e-mail or by fax or pushed under the door.’
Reader’s Digest
A book called The Warning Label Book includes the warning covering Ray-O-Vac batteries: ‘If swallowed or lodged in the ear or nose, see doctor.’ And this on the Sno-Off Automobile Windshield Cover: ‘Caution. Never drive with the cover on your windshield.’
Independent on Sunday
Sign in a hotel in Great Yarmouth: ‘Please fold up wheelchairs when using the ramp.’
Daily Mail
Stephen Edwards of Nottingham wrote to The Times about a sign he saw in India: ‘The Old Ladakh Guest House – hospitalising since 1974.’
British tourists frequently steal the road signs that tell them they have arrived in the South-West France town of Condom.
Independent
Underneath the ‘automatic door’ sign at the TSB Bank in Bracknell, Berkshire, there is another sign saying: ‘Push to Open.’
Paul Simmonds, Daily Mail
‘I have just returned from a cruise where a Force 10 made the ship pitch. My Boots Travel Calm Tablets had an accompanying advice leaflet warning of possible side effects “which may include vomiting”. Oh – joy!’
Mrs Gloria Gillot, Cambridge,
The Times
Sign seen outside a hotel near Blackpool by Thelma Hawes of Southampton: ‘Please Be Careful When Reve Your C’. The rest of the sign has been broken off, presumably by a reversing car.
Daily Mail
Sign above a men’s urinal in York: ‘RELAX. Help is at hand. Please ask a member of staff if you can’t find what you are looking for or need a suggestion.’
Spotted by Ian Davis, Daily Mail
A Wacky Warnings Label Contest produced these gems:
On a fish hook: ‘Harmful if swallowed.’
On a toboggan: ‘May develop high speed under certain snow conditions.’
On a CD storage rack: ‘Do not use as a ladder.’
On a bottle of bleach: ‘If you do not understand or cannot read all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.’ Independent on Sunday
James Whitworth, of Eastbourne, noticed ‘the pompous wording’ on the vehicle taking away his rubbish and wondered how the songwriter would have managed ‘My old man’s a recycling collection operator’.
Daily Telegraph
Warning on a pamphlet about birth control: ‘Reproduction forbidden without our written consent.’
Tony Rich, Bristol, Reader’s Digest
Sign on the stairs at Gidea Park, Essex, railway station: ‘Caution. Do not run on the stairs. Use the hand rail.’
E D Spink, Hornchurch, Essex, Daily Mail
Spotted on a package of frozen turkey breasts: ‘Can be cooked from frozen. If cooking from frozen please defrost in the fridge.’
Clare Day, Northampton, Daily Mail
A ‘Male Toilet’ sign seen at Hever Castle in Kent points to a battered tin bucket.
Mrs T Holley, Kent, Daily Mail
Sign in a jeweller’s shop in the West Midlands: ‘Tight rings removed while you wait.’
The Financial Times
‘At our local community refuse tip there is a sign saying: “If you can’t read, please ask for assistance.”’
Stuart Gray, Reader’s Digest
There’s an estate agency called Doolittle and Dalley in Bridgnorth,