Historical Romance Books 1 – 4. Marguerite KayeЧитать онлайн книгу.
to talk to me, you know. She tried to tell me that she was lonely, but I didn’t listen. Perhaps she wasn’t persistent enough or vehement enough. No, that’s no excuse. I didn’t listen to Elmira, but I did listen to Jasim. He told me she was interfering with the running of the stables. I asked her not to. He told me she was still interfering. She wanted to help with the training, she said. Impossible. Jasim would never permit it. I told her that she had to keep out of his way. She said she would, but she didn’t. I thought it was because—Bedouins, horses, I thought it was that. Perhaps it was. Perhaps it was all Jasim’s lies. Look what he did to you. I should have recognised it as a pattern, but I didn’t.’
‘You did, Rafiq. This time, you did. And you acted.’
‘Too late for Elmira.’ He closed his eyes. Darkness hovered. The floor beneath him shifted, like the deck of a ship at sea. He opened his eyes. ‘I took his side. He told you that. He didn’t tell you what he told me though, that Elmira had betrayed me with her groom. I didn’t believe it, not at first. I confronted her and she didn’t deny that she enjoyed his company, the attention. She said it was my fault for neglecting her. She said that she was lonely. She said that she only ever felt alive when she went out riding. And I told her she was forbidden to go out ever again.’
‘What about the man?’
‘Jasim sent him packing immediately. I didn’t question that. It was the right thing to do. I could hardly have questioned the man myself, for if he confirmed it, I would have been forced to divorce Elmira.’
Rafiq grabbed Stephanie’s wrist. ‘Ever since I told you half the story, in the tent, it’s been worse, not better. She’s taken up residence here,’ he said, touching his forehead. ‘So now I have to tell you all of it, do you understand?’
She shook her head. ‘I think you need to rest, Rafiq.’
‘Soon. When I am done unburdening myself. I told myself I was protecting her honour by confining her to the harem, but I see now, I was actually protecting my own interests. I didn’t want to send her back to her family. I needed her dowry, Stephanie.’
‘She was unfaithful to you.’
‘Was she? Her flirtation may have been quite innocent. It doesn’t matter whether she was unfaithful or indiscreet or both. She was truly miserable, and it was my fault. My fault that she took solace in another man’s company—whatever form that took. My fault that she withered away in the harem quite alone, a nomad confined within four walls, unable to protest because I didn’t visit her, and because I didn’t visit her, I didn’t notice. I didn’t see her interest in life itself ebb away, and I didn’t notice when she eventually decided it was not worth living.’
Stephanie paled. Her hands fluttered to her breast. ‘She took her own life?’
He was feeling nauseous. ‘Poison. A powerful sleeping draught of some sort. I found her lying here with Sherifa, who was expecting a foal.’
‘But Aida said that she died in her sleep.’
‘She did. I tried, for what seemed like hours to rouse her, but to no avail, and so I took her body back to the harem.’
‘Does Aida know what happened?’
‘No, Elmira must have drugged Aida and the guard. The other maidservants slept apart. Aida discovered Elmira dead in her bed when she went to summon her for breakfast. The guard—well, it wasn’t in the interests of a guard to admit to being asleep on duty.’
‘You protected her honour, even in death.’
‘I did little else for her in life. Elmira lost her life in the pursuit of the Sabr. I have to win it back for her. It’s the only way.’
‘Atonement,’ Stephanie said.
‘If I don’t, she will always be here, haunting my every step.’ His voice cracked. His chest heaved. A sob racked his body. He tried to struggle to his feet, ashamed, appalled, desperate to get away before his emotions overwhelmed him completely but Stephanie wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight, refusing to let him go.
* * *
She held him until he stopped struggling. Then she held him as he surrendered to the racking dry sobs that were the result of two years of pent-up emotion. Then she held him as he slept where he lay, utterly exhausted, stroking his hair from his brow, listening to his breathing become even, deep, as he settled his head on her lap. She held him for hours, easing herself gently away only to check on the sleeping mare, and then returning to Rafiq, holding him, stroking him, her heart aching with love for him.
Stephanie did not sleep. She replayed his tortured words over and over in her head. She couldn’t reconcile the picture he painted of himself with the man she knew. He had not loved Elmira, but to hear him describe, from his own lips, his callous disregard for her, was shocking. Yet her own love for him was undaunted, undented.
She so desperately wanted to help him. Her sordid little story could not compare to his tragedy, but she had learned a great deal here in Arabia about leaving the shadows of the past behind. If there was any way she could use that newfound knowledge to help Rafiq then she would. Nothing could change what had happened, but there had to be a way to make him see that his past had shaped him into the man of honour he was today.
* * *
Rafiq slept deeply. He awoke slowly. His eyelids flickered, then opened. He gave a dazed smile when he saw Stephanie, then a tiny shake of his head, and then a firming of his mouth, and he jerked himself upright as he remembered.
‘How long have I been asleep?’
‘A few hours.’
‘Sherifa?’
‘She’s fine, she’s been sleeping too.’
His throat was working. He was horribly embarrassed, struggling to look at her in the dim light of the stall, shaded from the sun by the shutters. ‘You saved her. I am extremely grateful. I fear I was a little—you must excuse my...’
She caught his hand as he made to get up and leave. ‘Please don’t go.’
She wanted to tell him that she loved him, but those three little words were guaranteed to send him running as surely as her assuring him even princes were allowed to cry. ‘I want to talk to you, Rafiq,’ Stephanie said, striving for calm. ‘I want you to consider what will happen if you don’t win the Sabr.’
‘It’s unthinkable.’
‘But it’s a possibility you can’t afford to ignore,’ she said earnestly. ‘I understand why it’s important to your people. You promised them a victory and you are a man who honours his promises. I understand that it’s important to you, to restore your father’s honour, and to win in Elmira’s honour too. But you believe it’s more than that, don’t you? You believe that winning the Sabr will somehow rid you of all this terrible guilt you bear for Elmira’s death and I am afraid...’
She caught herself on a sob. She must remain calm. ‘I am so afraid, Rafiq, that you are wrong, and I can’t bear to think of you suffering for another year, another, another, until you win—if you win. You have pinned all your hopes on this race, you are living your life in limbo until you win, but you don’t have to.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘Nothing can change what happened in the past, Rafiq, but you can stop it ruling your life.’
‘I fail to see how,’ he said heavily, ‘but I’m willing to listen.’
Stephanie laced her fingers together, frowning down at them. ‘I admit, I was shocked by what you told me. There is no denying that you neglected Elmira, that you contributed to making her very unhappy, but what you haven’t taken account of is her role in this.’
‘Stephanie, you know I only married her for her dowry.’
‘You married her to make good on the pledge you made to your people, and