Soldier For Hire. Kimberly Van MeterЧитать онлайн книгу.
time does not history make,” Xander said. “Or so I’m told.”
She wasn’t going to argue the point. Exhaling, she deliberately closed her eyes and rolled to her side, plumping up her pillow and settling once again.
A long beat of silence followed until Xander said, “Do you really regret that much what happened between us?”
That was a loaded question—one she didn’t want to answer. She regretted being messed up in the head, which made it impossible to trust, which in turn made her a nightmare to be in a relationship with. Not that she wanted anything real with Xander.
Or anyone.
Her silence seemed an answer in itself. “I guess so,” Xander replied with a sigh. “That’s an ego-buster.”
Scarlett turned to glare at him. “Did you ever think maybe it has nothing to do with you?” she said, unable to just let him think whatever he liked. For some reason, it mattered with Xander. “Look, aside from the fact that I’m your boss...I’m just not the type to form unnecessary attachments. Trust me, it’s better that way. For everyone involved.”
Every time she’d ignored her instincts and allowed something to happen, it ended badly.
“I’m not cut out for relationships.”
“Me, either.”
His simple agreement coaxed a reluctant chuckle out of her. “Yeah? Two peas in a pod, I guess.”
“Or two broken people with too many sharp edges to be allowed around normal people.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” she agreed, the tension lifting a little. She turned to face him, tucking her arm under her head. “Maybe that’s why we’re so good at what we do... We can compartmentalize like Olympic athletes without blinking an eye.”
“Mental boxes for everything,” Xander returned with a half-grin. They were joking but only sort of. That was the sad reality that they both recognized. “I know why I’m broken, but what’s your story, Rhodes?”
This was around the time she usually shut down. But that feeling of safety had returned and she found herself sharing, even when she didn’t want to. “Jacked-up childhood. When my dad wasn’t beating me...he was doing other things.” She gave a self-deprecating chuckle and added, “He wasn’t exactly in the running for Father of the Year.”
“He ever get caught?”
Scarlett shook her head. “Small town bullshit. No one wanted to get involved. There was no one to rescue me so I rescued myself.” A lump rose in her throat. She hated talking about her past. “Anyway, he’s dead but he was dead to me long before that. His going into the ground was just a formality.”
Xander nodded. She was relieved to see nothing but respect in his eyes at her admission. There was no pity, no “you poor thing” judgment in his expression, just plain respect for having the balls to do what no one else had been able to do for her.
And because of that, she admitted quietly, “I don’t regret what happened between us, Xander. There are just reasons—solid ones—to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
Xander accepted her answer with another nod because he got it, even if he didn’t agree. She knew he was down for more but he would respect her decision because no matter what that psych eval implied—Xander was a damn good man.
“Goodnight, Scott,” she said, closing her eyes.
“’Night, Rhodes.”
At just like that, suddenly Mr. Sandman decided to stop being a prick—and she slept.
Scarlett was asleep beside him but sleep was a long ways from finding Xander. If Scarlett’s father weren’t already dead, he’d have liked to have been the one to permanently knock his lights out.
How could a father do that to his own daughter? He’d seen a lot of messed up shit in his time but he’d never get used to the knowledge that some people were just bad eggs.
His own father was a royal asshole but he’d never been buggered by him.
Beat him within an inch of his life, but the man hadn’t touched him like Scarlett’s father had touched her.
He wanted to pull Scarlett to him and hold her close, but he knew that would go over as well as giving a cat a bath so he kept his hands to himself.
But aside from Scarlett’s revelation, he had other things keeping him awake. More immediate issues than Scarlett’s messed-up childhood.
With Scarlett with him, his secret wasn’t likely to remain a secret for long. He didn’t want her to know how addicted he’d become to his pain meds. It was his private shame, his weakness, and he loathed the idea of Scarlett thinking less of him.
But there was another reason he needed to keep his pill-popping from her—it created motive.
He couldn’t account for the time when the bomb went off. He’d passed out and woken up after the fact, but he couldn’t exactly tell his TL that he’d been high as a kite during an operation so he lied.
He’d told Scarlett that he’d been on the opposite side of the plaza when the bomb had gone off.
Truthfully, he’d been damn close. It was a miracle he hadn’t been caught in the blast. It was pure luck that in the chaos no one seemed to notice the minor cuts and abrasions on his face.
But the lie weighed heavily on his conscience. He hated lying to Scarlett, but it’d been a split-second decision that he’d had to make and he couldn’t take it back.
Now his statement was on official documents. To admit that he’d lied about his whereabouts would only seal his guilt.
And Scarlett would never trust him again.
He exhaled and rolled to his side, quietly watching her as she slept. It was surreal to be in the same bed once more. He could honestly say that he figured the only way that was ever going to happen again would be in his dreams.
Xander knew he was being a friggin’ sap but he wished he could pull her into his arms and hold on for dear life. It’d been a long time since he’d wanted anyone in that role and he hadn’t expected it to be Scarlett but, damn, she was his equal in every way.
But he was going to respect Scarlett’s wishes and keep it professional. Of course, she was right. It made sense to keep things straight because neither knew how this was going to shake out in the end, but lying beside her and keeping his distance...was a special kind of hell.
Rolling away, turning on his side, he tried to focus on what he knew about the McQuarry bombing.
Thanks to his little blackout—he didn’t know much.
The operation had been simple: provide security for Senator Ken McQuarry as he did his little rally speech in downtown Tulsa. McQuarry had been a typical white male politician sort—trying to hide his soft and doughy gut in expensive suits, his mouth full of rhetoric—and he hadn’t been running any particularly controversial platforms so the job should’ve been a cakewalk.
They hadn’t expected someone to rig the amphitheater and blow up the senator.
Hindsight.
The bigger question was how did someone put Xander’s fingerprints on the plastic explosive when he sure as hell didn’t rig that bomb?
Scarlett groaned softly in her sleep. He didn’t dare try to comfort her. Force of habit, they were all light sleepers. He could only imagine the demons she entertained. Maybe his and hers could have a playdate.
A part of him wanted to know what made her twitch at night, what secrets were locked away in that complex brain, but he would never pry. That was the thing between fellow soldiers, they understood that sometimes talking about things didn’t make it better—it just created more shit to bubble to the surface and no one