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own skin. He held his position; sweat trickled down his neck, sticking to his skin, but he didn’t move a single muscle. Hadn’t moved for the past three hours, twenty-seven minutes and fifteen seconds. “We’ve got someone at the door, Park.”
“It’s not him. Not yet.”
Godforsaken desert, Jonas thought, biding his time. He’d been in the desert long enough that he was sick and tired of it. There were nights when he lay awake for hours, thinking of home. Of cold beer in a sports bar and a bacon cheeseburger, instead of army chow and warm water from his canteen. Instead of dusty roads and the same unending landscape as he traveled from assignment to assignment. At least he had Chris Parker to keep him from going crazy.
“Jonas? Jonas, are you okay?”
Shannyn’s voice broke through, and he turned his head slowly, surprised to see her sitting there beside him. She reached out to touch his arm, and he flinched. She drew her hand back automatically, her blue eyes suddenly troubled.
“I’m fine,” he answered roughly. The flashes of memory were happening more and more frequently, and always at the strangest times. He couldn’t seem to control them. They were always, always of that one day. Bits and pieces here and there that hit without warning, leaving him feeling raw and exposed. It always took him some time to reestablish himself with his surroundings.
“You don’t look fine.” Her voice was low with concern. He hated that tone. Hated it every time someone looked at him the way Shannyn was looking at him now. As if he didn’t quite make sense.
“I said I’m fine,” he snapped, rising to his feet and taking a half-dozen steps to get away from her. Faces turned again in his direction, and he took deep breaths to try to get his heart rate to return to normal. He wished the memories would all go away so he could get on with what was left of his life. Only, now that too was thrown into chaos by learning he was somebody’s father.
Shannyn stared after him, warning bells pealing madly in her head. What was going on?
They’d been talking and then suddenly he’d gone. His eyes had blanked and every muscle in his body had stilled. It had been eerie, watching him disassociate, until she realized his breathing was accelerating.
She’d tried to call him back, and the empty stare she’d seen before he came to frightened her more than anything else.
What in the world had happened to him?
She was getting in far deeper than she cared to. Now that he knew Emma was his, naturally he’d assert his rights and demand to see her. She couldn’t deny him that. And seeing him this way, knowing something was horribly wrong, she could already feel herself being drawn in. Wanting to help him almost as much as she wanted him gone.
What if he shouted this way at Emma?
When he turned back, she fortified herself with all the courage she could muster. “This is a perfect example of why I didn’t tell you. Emma is five years old, Jonas. She’s not going to understand if you blank out and then shout at her. She’s not equipped for that.”
She wanted to say that, even as an adult, she didn’t understand him either, but right now the focus had to be off her own feelings and on keeping Emma safe and happy.
“I have a right to see her. She has a right to know me.”
“Why is this so important to you? Why can’t you just let it go?”
“Because she’s my daughter. My responsibility.” His former control reasserted itself. “I’m not the kind of man who shirks responsibility. I thought you understood that much about me.”
“That’s what I’m saying.” Shannyn implored him with her hands. She did understand. As much as she was hurt that he’d left her, she’d admired him for his dedication to what he considered his duty. And he would have been dutiful to Emma too and it would have broken her heart little by little to know that he was staying for that reason and not of his own free will. Would have destroyed her to come home one day to a man who wanted out. Who wanted a life away from her and Emma. She never wanted Emma to feel abandoned and unloved the way she had felt growing up.
“You would have stayed involved out of responsibility, not out of any lasting affection.”
Jonas looked around them. Now that the shouting was over, no one seemed particularly interested in their exchange, no one noticed anything out of the ordinary. People simply walked along the path, enjoying the early-summer day, the mellow heat, the fresh green of the grass and leaves. Everything seemed to spin in a slow circle. The desert, Germany, the base, all spiraling outside of here. A perfect world around him while he felt trapped in chaos. His whole world was changing. It didn’t seem real.
He clung to the one thing he hoped she might understand, searching for common ground that would anchor him to this unreal situation. “Shannyn, you’ve brought her up alone. I could have helped.”
“With child support.” Her lips thinned to a straight line.
“Well, yes.”
Her short laugh surprised him. “And your money would have made it all right.”
“It might have lessened your financial strain. It couldn’t have been easy.”
“We’ve done just fine, thank you.”
Jonas stared hard at her—dismissive. Her tone, her body language…it was all dismissive. He wasn’t wanted or required here. God, he wasn’t really wanted or required anywhere anymore. In a world of doers, he was now redundant. What had once been his purpose was gone. And he’d never thought about what he’d do when it was over. He’d always thought he’d keep doing what he was doing until he died on some battlefield. He certainly hadn’t expected to come home with a gimp leg, leaving him good for next to nothing.
He saw the talent in the next wave of elite soldiers and hated that he wasn’t one of them anymore. Put out to pasture at the ripe old age of twenty-eight. It didn’t seem fair. He’d lost his career, and now he discovered he’d lost a family he hadn’t even known he had.
“I want to see her.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
His eyes blazed. “Shannyn, you can’t keep me from my own daughter.”
“I’ll do what I have to, to keep her safe and happy.”
“And you think I’d threaten that?”
“She doesn’t need a temporary dad who’ll leave once he satisfies his curiosity.”
That was what she thought of him, then. It showed how little she knew. How far apart they were.
“Look at me,” he whispered stridently. “Does it look like I’m going anywhere? You’ve seen my file, right? Active duty is a long shot at best, out of my realm of possibility, more likely, according to the doctors.”
He stepped closer, close enough that she had to tilt her neck sharply to look into his eyes. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, so close he could almost feel it against his. His gaze fell to her lips, and they opened slightly. How he could despise her so much right now and still want to kiss her was beyond him.
“I’m obviously not in danger anymore. So tell me, Shannyn. What is it you’re really afraid of?”
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