Sophie's Secret. Tara Taylor QuinnЧитать онлайн книгу.
tonight I hadn’t thrown up once since then,” she said now, softly.
“And you’ve been friends with Duane for two years,” Annie said. “So why now?”
Sophie wasn’t sure. Or didn’t want to be. But she had learned a lot of painful lessons on her road to recovery. The first and foremost being you didn’t hide from anything. Didn’t push anything away. Because issues, problems, really didn’t go. They stayed buried inside you where they could attack from the inside out.
“Duane’s said a few things…I don’t know. I just get the idea he’s worried that if there are hard times, I’ll revert to the…woman I was.”
“What? A bulimic? He might get bronchitis someday, too. So you treat the illness and move on. I don’t—”
“It’s not about the bulimia,” Sophie interrupted. “Or, at least, not really. I think he’s afraid that I’m emotionally weak, and sees the bulimia as evidence of that. But that’s not the part that bothers him. He knows that I’m responsible and would get help if it ever arose again.”
But would he really stand by her? What would Duane say if she called him right now? Told him what had happened tonight? Would he still be at her house tomorrow? As he’d promised during their last intimate call?
“Then what—”
“I think he’s afraid that deep down I get my confidence and self-worth from men. That he can’t trust me to be faithful to him.”
“What makes you think that?”
“He gets really quiet sometimes. Usually when I’ve mentioned talking to some other man. Then I don’t hear from him for a day or two.”
“Do you ask him about it?”
“Of course. He always says nothing was wrong, and he’s got an excuse as to why he didn’t call. They’re usually good excuses.”
“You were never once unfaithful in a relationship.”
“I was never in any real relationships.” Duane was the first. Hard to believe from a woman with her experience. “And, considering how many lovers I’ve had, how can I expect him to see me as anything but a woman who needs multiple men?”
“You haven’t had a lover, other than Duane, since Matt and Phyllis helped you acknowledge the bulimia, have you?” Annie asked.
“No.”
“Does Duane know that?”
“I told him.”
“And?”
“He says he believes me. He says my past is past.”
“But you don’t believe he means it.”
Sophie shrugged. “I wouldn’t blame him if he doubted me.”
Annie watched her. “Is that because you doubt yourself?”
“I know I can be faithful to him.”
“Of course you can. You know your worth now, Soph. You know that it’s not found in some man’s arms. Or in any man’s opinion of you.”
She’d thought so—until the fear of losing Duane had started to take hold of her. She’d seen the writing on the wall—several times—over the past months as Duane’s political backers became more obvious in their intentions to name him as their candidate in the upcoming election.
People would want to know about the man who sought the power to pass laws in their state. The press would start to dig.
Her and Duane’s safe little world would be exposed. Her past would be exposed.
And she’d lose him. Would be completely alone again.
And she’d started to be more concerned about how she looked. Needing to be certain, if she was going to be single again, that she was still attractive.
She didn’t feel attractive.
“So why do I suddenly feel so unworthy? So…ugly?” she asked, a question reminiscent of the olden days. Certainly the Sophie she’d become would never have allowed herself to be so vulnerable.
Another sign of the depths to which she’d sunk?
Annie’s gaze grew shadowed and she leaned forward. “It has nothing to do with the way you look. You couldn’t be ugly if you tried, Soph. You’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever known. You always have been. Those long legs and flat stomach are the envy of every dancer on your stages. And your features are classically perfect.”
She liked her nose. The rest was too…this. Too that.
“You have all those things going for you, but it’s never enough,” Annie continued. “You seem to think you have to be physically perfect to be good enough, and that’s a lost cause. No one is perfect. We’re all flawed. And we’re all beautiful, too.
“What matters is what’s inside the package,” Annie said, her eyes softening. “You know that. And you’re beautiful there, Soph. Even more than on the outside. You keep to yourself too much these days, but the you that’s in there still comes out through your work. You know precisely what lights to use, precisely what shadowing or backdrop, what depth, what timing, what colors to make everything onstage look like more than it is. You take the art we work so hard to perform and make it magic.”
“I went to school to learn how to do that.”
“So did a million other people and no one does a show like you do. Even you can’t argue with the amazing success of Sophie Productions. Your shows have heart, depth. They speak to every single sense every single minute, engaging the audience’s full attention. Performers, directors want you for a reason, Soph, and it’s not your great bod.”
“What about Sam Wynn?” Sophie interjected, needing to distance herself a little bit from Annie’s intensity. An intensity that matched the emotions churning inside her.
“He’s a jerk and should be arrested for the way he came on to you.”
Sam wasn’t the only one. He’d happened to be working on a show Annie was in, so her friend knew about that one.
Mostly the advances, the come-ons, didn’t matter to Sophie. She’d learned to take them in stride, to blow them off, years ago. Mostly.
A guy she’d once slept with told her she “exuded.” She couldn’t remember the guy’s name. Couldn’t really even remember what he looked like. But she remembered those words.
“Exuded what?” she’d asked.
He hadn’t been able to tell her.
She’d watched herself over the years, pulled inside herself more and more in an attempt to make sure she didn’t keep doing whatever it was she did. But it seemed to happen anyway.
And so she’d made certain that no one got too close. No one saw all of her.
Duane came closest. Sort of.
And he knew she exuded. He saw whatever it was she missed. He reacted to it.
Not that he’d said so.
But Sophie knew.
Was it also what drew him to her?
Was he, in his own sweet way, just like all the rest?
Sophie didn’t know, but she had a feeling that whatever it was she did around men was something she’d been doing since birth. Inadvertently inviting them, tempting them, to hurt her.
Chapter Four
DUANE GLANCED AT HIS ROLEX, a gift from the other partners in his firm a couple of Christmases ago. Six-fifteen.
The table was set. With her regular dishes and silver, the ones he’d used with her many times in the past. She