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and then I paused the credits and searched. Her name was still there. I used my laptop to go on Facebook and check her status. Single.
I was psychotic and I knew it but I also knew that most of the time my paranoia was correct, and that most of the time it wasn’t paranoia, it was gut instinct and most of the time that was correct. But it had been almost three years and they hadn’t, by the looks of it, gotten together. I didn’t even know how present she’d be in his life as a production assistant; I didn’t know how TV shows worked, but when he’d first signed the deal to do the show we went to meet with the team. I’d met her and I got a feeling about her. That was all, one of those girlfriend feelings that you get about other girls. Then when we broke up I got a huge feeling about her, and those feelings had manifested into something so massive it was bordering on obsessive. But I couldn’t help it. Her name was Jenna. Jenna was a bitch. And every time I heard the name Jenna I thought of her and immediately hated the poor unrelated person named Jenna. She was from Australia and I hated everyone from Australia. It was a very weird thing that had taken over me, I didn’t even know her and I’d previously liked Australia, but I’d created this persona around her, this dislike for her and her country and anything, however minuscule, that I knew about her.
Just to taunt myself I imagined them having sex on the top of the mountain as soon as the camera was turned off and I wondered who he’d camped out with all those nights in that tiny little tent, in those close overcrowded little hostels. All of the environments he was in were too close for him to share with another woman, especially Jenna, especially the character that had grown in my mind. She would crawl into his tent in the dead of night and reveal her naked self to him, he would try to fight his urges but he wouldn’t be able to because he was a man and he was all pumped up from the walk up the mountain, and being in touch with nature made him even hornier. Every time I watched an episode, I pictured them together. I didn’t even know what a production assistant did but I Googled it to find out. I didn’t know if she was a set PA or an office PA; a big difference because it either meant she was with him all the time or their paths rarely crossed. Occasionally I looked through the other names on the credits to make sure someone else hadn’t slipped in that could also be sleeping with him on location, but I had investigated them through the power of Google and surmised that Jenna, the bitch from Australia, was the only woman he would go for.
My mobile rang, and took me out of my latest daydream. It was Riley again. Since lunch the previous day I had had nine missed calls from Riley and two from Mum. Silchesters didn’t ignore people, make a drama or cause a fuss, so I had texted them both that I was unavailable to speak and that I’d call them back as soon as I could. It wasn’t a lie. I just didn’t know how to be with them. I couldn’t be angry with them because as concerned family members they were only trying to help, but I couldn’t entertain mindless chit-chat because I was genuinely hurt, flabbergasted even, that they felt I was in such dire need of help that they couldn’t come directly to me to tell me. I had always done my best not to reveal anything about myself to my family, even to Riley. Despite him being my accomplice during family gatherings, he was not my best friend; he was my brother and there were things that brothers didn’t need or want to know.
I ignored the call and as soon as it stopped I immediately sent a polite text about how I was currently out with friends. He texted back straight away.
–Then u left ur tv on cos I’m outside ur door.
I leaped up, Mr Pan did too but he didn’t follow me. His courage always gave out when we got to the bathroom door. He nipped in there to defend me from behind the wash basket.
‘Riley?’ I called through the door.
‘Yes.’
I sighed. ‘You can’t come in.’
‘Okay. Can you come out?’
I unlocked the door, barely opened it so he couldn’t see inside and slid out to him. He tried to look in. I closed the door.
‘Have you got company?’
‘Yes. A hot naked man with a large erection is lying on my bed waiting for me, if you want to come in.’
‘Lucy.’ He had a pained expression.
‘I’m only joking.’
‘So there’s no one there?’
‘No, there is.’ It wasn’t a lie. Mr Pan was waiting for me.
‘Sorry. Is it … you know?’
‘Life? No. I met him in his office earlier today.’
‘Him?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Weird.’
‘Yeah.’
‘How did it go?’
‘Yeah, good. He was nice, just wanted to check in and have a chat, that kind of thing, I probably won’t have to meet him again.’
‘Really?’
‘Don’t sound so surprised,’ I snapped.
‘Okay.’ He shifted his weight to his other foot. ‘So everything’s okay?’
‘Yeah, he was a bit confused as to why he had to meet me at all really.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, it’s just like one of those random breath tests only it’s a random life test. They picked me completely at random, unfortunately for me.’
‘Oh. Okay …’
I let the silence hang.
‘Well, I’m here because I found these.’ He took a pair of shoes out from behind his back. ‘I’m checking around the kingdom to see who they fit.’
I smiled.
‘May I?’ He got down on bended knee, lifted my foot, saw I had odd socks on and visibly tried hard not to comment. He removed my sock and slid my foot into the shoe. He looked at me in mock surprise.
‘Now do we live incestuously ever after?’ I asked.
He frowned, then leaned against the door frame and stared at me.
‘What?’
‘Nothing.’
‘What, Riley? You didn’t just come here to give me my shoes.’
‘Nothing,’ he repeated. ‘Just …’ He looked like he was going to say something serious. ‘It’s just that I met someone who used to work with you a few years ago in Quinn and Downing and he just said a few things to me …’ He studied me. I tried to look confused, not fearful as I felt, and he changed tack. ‘Anyway, he was probably wrong.’ He cleared his throat.
‘Who was it?’ I asked coolly.
‘Gavin Lisadel.’ He studied me intensely some more.
I rolled my eyes. ‘The biggest drama queen I’ve ever worked for.’ In truth a perfectly reputable guy. ‘I’ve heard he’s coming out with all kinds of weird stories about me. Don’t worry, whatever it is, it’s a lie. I heard he’s been cheating on his wife with a man for years, so you know …’ He was a happily married family man as far as I knew. I had just destroyed Gavin’s perfect image in less than one minute but I didn’t care, he had destroyed mine too, not that it had ever been perfect and even if he had, he probably wasn’t lying. Then I felt bad about what I’d said so I added quickly, ‘But everyone really likes him and he’s really good at his job.’
Riley nodded, still not convinced but he changed the mood. ‘I still can’t believe you said Father wasn’t the breastfed kind.’ He started laughing, then threw his head back and laughed even louder.
Eventually I joined in. ‘Well? Do you think she’d have bothered? Old wrinkly tits?’
He shook his head, disgusted by the