The Swallow's Nest. Emilie RichardsЧитать онлайн книгу.
few times with others from the project. It was a place she liked.”
“What exactly was going on between you?”
“Nothing.” He paused, and then he shrugged. “I liked her. She liked me, but she knew I was married. She even came to a party here and met you. I guess there were a few harmless sparks. It never bothered me and maybe it was kind of nice to flirt a little. I knew nothing was going to happen.”
“And then it did.”
“If I say I wasn’t myself that night it’ll sound like I’m using cancer as an excuse to behave badly. But I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t thinking rationally. She invited me back to her place for a drink. I didn’t want to come home. I was too upset you were refusing to give me the one thing I thought I needed. I went.”
She was shaking; her voice was shaking. “Let me guess. Out of nowhere Marina seduced you. None of this was your fault. You went along for the ride because you were too sick to resist.”
“No. I didn’t try to stop what happened. I guess I knew right from the moment I followed her home how the night might end, but I also knew what was waiting for me in the months ahead. For that night I just wanted to be a man, not a man with cancer.”
“And birth control?”
“She had condoms. At the last minute I didn’t use one, and she didn’t insist.”
“You hoped she would get pregnant?”
“The chances seemed so small. I left it up to the universe.”
She was glad he was standing too far away to slap. “What a strange place to get religious. In bed. You think God wanted a baby to be born into those circumstances? First cancer made you do it, then God?”
“There are no words that even begin to cover how sorry I am or how stupid I was. I know how screwed up the whole thing is.”
“Did you think that she and that baby were just going to disappear? That a woman like Marina was just going to let this catastrophe go on and on and never tell anybody? Were you hoping you could have two happy families and one of them would never know? How stupid could you be?”
“I haven’t thought about anything else. Not since Marina told me she was pregnant. I knew I had to tell you. I knew I had to fix this somehow so I could keep you and Toby in my life, but I couldn’t find a way.”
“You’ve had almost a year to come up with one, haven’t you?” She waited a moment until she had swallowed angry tears. “And in none of that time could you think of any way to tell me what you had done?”
“How could I? I was terrified you would leave. And not because I needed your help. Because I need you. I love you.”
“But the moment I refused to give you what you wanted, you found another woman who would.”
“Please, don’t leave, Lilia. I know it’s asking too much, but please, don’t leave me. From the moment I walked out of Marina’s apartment I’ve wanted to beg you to forgive me. I just couldn’t find a way to say it. Because I was afraid of this, afraid you’d go.”
“Here’s a tip. You can find a nanny in the yellow pages. Or a day care center.”
“I don’t want a nanny. I want you.”
She met his eyes. “I’m going home, Graham. That’s another thing I gave up for you this year. My family. Now I’m going to see them.”
“Please come back.”
“You’ve said what you came to say. I’ve listened, which is all I said I would do. Is there anything else you haven’t told me?”
He didn’t answer.
She hadn’t really believed things might get worse, but now she realized that something else was coming. “What about Toby? You don’t know anything about babies. Are you going to ask Marina to take him back? Maybe she just wanted you to acknowledge him.”
He put his hand to his forehead, as if to brush away hair that still wasn’t long enough to be a nuisance. “There is something else. You need to know one more thing.”
For a moment she wasn’t sure she could listen. “Make it fast.”
“Marina didn’t want to have the baby. Especially after she found out I was sick and might not be around to support them both.”
She knew better than to respond. She clenched her teeth and waited.
“I...convinced her to finish out the pregnancy by promising to pay her. A lot.”
He stopped, but he didn’t have to go on, because suddenly she knew. “Your trust fund? The one that tanked the last time the stock market dipped? The one we really needed for medical expenses so I didn’t have to mortgage this house?”
“I lied to you. That money was well invested. But I couldn’t live with myself if Marina hadn’t gone through with the pregnancy. The whole thing was my fault, and an abortion would have been, too.”
“You gave her all of it? At one time the fund was worth, what, almost a hundred thousand dollars?”
“I gave her half and promised to give her the rest when Toby was born. But at the last minute I had to use it for my final round of chemo. Our insurance refused to cover the drug the doctors wanted to try, and they rejected the claim. They called the drug experimental, but my team said it was vital.”
“I know that, but you told me the insurance paid it after you appealed.”
“Because I couldn’t tell you I’d paid the bill myself with money from a trust fund I’d already told you was worthless.”
“What an accomplished liar you are!”
“Marina was furious, as she had the right to be, and that’s probably why she brought Toby here today. But that’s the end of the lies, Lilia. The absolute truth. All of it. One terrible mistake that just kept growing.”
“And now you have a baby to take care of when you can hardly take care of yourself. And nothing to live on.”
“I’ll figure it out.”
She was rarely sarcastic, but nothing stopped her now. “Maybe Marina will take you back. You can tell her how awful I am, like you did the night you used her like a broodmare.”
He winced. “Lilia, Marina won’t be in the picture. She hasn’t wanted Toby from the beginning, and now she’s abandoned him to me.”
A stab of sympathy for the other woman surprised her. “As strange as it seems, maybe I can see her point. She told me on the porch that you had promised her so much more. You lied to both of us.”
“I never promised her anything except money. We never talked about a future together, I swear. She was reading what she wanted into a one-night stand.”
“A one-night stand with a man intent on proving his manhood and his fertility. It’s no wonder she was a bit confused. If she was.”
“I’ve screwed up so many lives. I’m so sorry.”
“As exit lines go, that works. I’ll be out of here in a few minutes, and then you’ll have lots of time to wallow in all the damage you’ve done.”
She thought she was finished, but she realized she couldn’t be. Not yet. Because even though her flash of sympathy for Marina had come and gone, she was still worried about the other person in this drama.
She turned her back to him. “That baby is the biggest loser here, isn’t he? He never asked to be born. And he sure never asked to be born to the two of you. Whatever else you do, make sure he’s taken care of. Toby’s more than your selfish bid for immortality. He’s flesh and blood, and no matter how he came into this world, he deserves better than you wallowing in self-pity and wringing your hands for the next weeks. His mother doesn’t want him, and his