TELENY OR THE REVERSE OF THE MEDAL (A Gay Erotica). Oscar WildeЧитать онлайн книгу.
not finish her phrase in words, but the expression of her face, and above all of the corners of her mouth, revealed her thoughts.
‘And you think that this young man is such a degraded being as to allow himself to be kept by a woman, like a — ‘
‘Well, it is not exactly being kept — at least, he would not consider it in that light. He might, moreover, allow himself to be helped in a thousand ways other than by money, but his piano would be his gagnepain.’
‘Just like the stage is for most ballet-girls; then I should not like to be an artist.’
‘Oh! they are not the only men who owe their success to a mistress, or to a wife. Read “Bel Ami,” and you will see that many a successful man, and even more than one celebrated personage, owes his greatness to — ‘
‘A woman?’
‘Exactly; it is always: Cherchezla femme.’
‘Then this is a disgusting world.’
‘Having to live in it, we must take the best of it we can, and not take matters quite so tragically as you do.’
‘Anyhow, he plays well. In fact, I never heard anyone play like he did last night.’
‘Yes, I grant that last night he did play brilliantly, or, rather, sensationally; but it also must be admitted that you were in a rather morbid state of health and mind, so that music must have had an uncommon effect upon your nerves.’
‘Oh! you think there was an evil spirit within me troubling me, and that a cunning player — as the Bible has it — was alone able to quiet my nerves.’
My mother smiled.
‘Well, nowadays, we are all of us more or less like Saul; that is to say, we are all occasionally troubled with an evil spirit.’
Thereupon her brow grew clouded, and she interrupted herself, for evidently the remembrance of my late father came to her mind; then she added, musingly —
‘And Saul was really to be pitied.’
I did not give her an answer. I was only thinking why David had found favor in Saul’s sight. Was it because ‘he was ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to’? Was it also for this reason that, as soon as Jonathan had seen him, ‘the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul’?
Was Telen^s soul knit with my own? Was I to love and hate him, as Saul loved and hated David? Anyhow, I despised myself and my folly. I felt a grudge against the musician who had bewitched me; above all, I loathed the whole of womankind, the curse of the world.
All at once my mother drew me from my gloomy thoughts.
‘You are not going to the office today, if you do not feel well,’ said she, after a while.
— What! you were in trade then, were you?
— Yes, my father had left me a very profitable business, and a most trustworthy and excellent manager who for years had been the soul of the house. I was then twenty-two, and my part in the concern was to pocket the lion’s share of the profits. Still, I must say I not only had never been lazy, but, moreover, was rather serious for a young man of my age, and, above all, in my circumstances. I had but one hobby — a most harmless one. I was fond of old majolica, old fans, and old lace, of which I have now a rather fine collection.
— The finest one I ever saw.
— Well, I went to the office as usual, but do what I could it was quite impossible for me to settle down to any kind of work.
Telen^s vision was mixing itself up with whatever I happened to be doing, muddling everything up. Moreover, my mother’s words were ever present to my mind. Every woman was in love with him, and their love was necessary to him. I thereupon tried hard to banish him from my thoughts. ‘Where there is a will there is a way,’ said I to myself, ‘so I shall soon get rid of this foolish, maudlin infatuation.’
— But you did not succeed, did you?
— No! the more I tried not to think of him, the more I did think. Have you in fact ever heard some snatches of a half-remembered tune ringing in your ears? Go where you will, listen to whatever you like, that tune is ever tantalizing you. You can no more recollect the whole of it than you can get rid of it. If you go to bed it keeps you from falling asleep; you slumber and you hear it in your dreams; you wake, and it is the very first thing you hear. So it was with Teleny; he actually haunted me, his voice — so sweet and low — was ever repeating in those unknown accents: Oh! friend, my heart doth yearn for thee.
And now his lovely image never left my eyes, the touch of his soft hand was still on mine, I even felt his scented breath upon my lips; thus in that eager longing, every now and then I stretched my arms to seize and to strain him to my breast, and the hallucination was so strong in me that soon I fancied I could feel his body on my own.
A strong erection thereupon took place, which stiffened every nerve and almost made me mad; but though I suffered, still, the pain I felt was sweet.
— Excuse my interrupting you, but had you never been in love before you had met Teleny?
— Never.
— Strange.
— Why so?
— At two-and-twenty?
— Well, you see I was predisposed to love men and not women, and without knowing it I had always struggled against the inclinations of my nature. It is true that several times I thought I had already been in love, still it was only upon knowing Teleny that I understood what real love was. Like all boys I had believed myself bound to feel spoony, and I had done my best to persuade myself that I was deeply smitten. Having once casually come across a young girl with laughing eyes, I had concluded that she was just what an ideal Dulcinea ought to be; I therefore followed her about, every time I met her, and sometimes even tried to think of her at odd moments, when I had nothing to do.
— And how did the affair end?
— In a most ridiculous way. The thing happened, I think, about a year or two before I left the Lycee; yes, I remember, it was during the midsummer holidays, and the very first time I had ever travelled alone.
Being of a rather shy disposition, I was somewhat flurried and nervous at having to elbow my way through the crowd, to hurry and push about to get my ticket, to take care so as not to get into a train going in the wrong direction.
The upshot of all this was that, before being thoroughly aware of it, I found myself seated in front of the girl I believed myself in love with, and moreover in a carriage reserved for the fair sex.
Unfortunately, in the same carriage there was a creature who surely could not go under that denomination; for, although I cannot swear as to her sex, I can take my oath she was not fair. In fact, as far as I can remember her, she was a real specimen of the wandering English old maid, clad in a waterproof coat something like an ulster. One of those heterogenous creatures continually met with on the Continent, and I think everywhere else except in England; for I have come to the conclusion that Great Britain manufactures them especially for exportation. Anyhow, I had hardly taken my place, when —
‘Monseer,’ says she, in a snarling, barking way, ‘cette compartement est reserved for dames soules.’
I suppose she meant ‘seules,’ but at that moment, confused as I was, I took her at her word.
‘Dames soules!’ — ‘drunken ladies!’ said I, terrified, looking around at all the ladies.
My neighbors began to titter.
‘Madame says that this carriage is reserved for ladies,’ added the mother of my girl, ‘of course a young man is not — well, not expected to smoke here, but — ‘
‘Oh! if that is the only objection I certainly shall not allow myself to smoke.’
‘No, no!’ said the old maid,