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turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting flies,” he responded.
“Oh… Killed any?” she asked.
“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”
He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”
A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said:
“Don’t all the newspapers make you tired, my boy?”
“No, I don’t read them,” replied the boy.
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over space. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”
“Yes – so what?” “Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle – how does it know?”
The general went out to find that none of his GIs[33] were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.[34]
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The general was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the GI go.
Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The general eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
A ninth GI jogged up to the general, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the general interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the GI, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm[35] in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
“Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”
“That’s all fine”, said the boss. “But where were you yesterday?”
A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” the guy replies. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”
“And what’s phase one?”
“I’ve quit buying.”
Newly wed wife to her husband:
“That is why I can’t stand you[36] – you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don’t like potatoes.”
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session,
“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”
“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, “PIG!!!”
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, “BITCH!!!”
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig wandering in the middle of the road…
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo.”
The man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”
A police officer in a small town stopped a driver who was speeding down Main Street.
“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain —”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
An elderly man calls his son in London and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Manchester and tell her,” and then hangs up.[37]
The son calls his sister, who goes nuts[38] upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”
One day
GI – солдат, подчинённый
panting heavily – задыхаясь
beat the alarm – встал раньше будильника
I can’t stand you – я не могу тебя выносить
hangs up – вешает трубку
goes nuts – сходит с ума