Yes, Please. Thanks!: Teaching Children of All Ages Manners, Respect and Social Skills for Life. Penny PalmanoЧитать онлайн книгу.
Making a habit of shouting at your children will just teach them that if you can’t control yourself, why should they? They will revert to shouting and screaming when they are angry. Shouting is very ineffective and they will cease listening to what you are saying. Some children actually quite enjoy seeing a parent losing their self-control and will wind them up accordingly. Don’t fall into that trap.
It is far more effective to speak in a very firm, very controlled voice, as if to say, ‘I am in control and I intend remaining very much in control.’
Dealing with Unsociable Behaviour: 1–4 years old
What to expect
Toddlers are as much maligned as teenagers; they are labelled rebellious, defiant, even impossible. And yes they can be all those things. In fact these two development stages are similar, as the children are battling for independence. Our mission as parents from day one is to help, guide and educate them towards that independence.
However, a few valuable points to remember about toddlers are:
First, never forget that you are an adult. You are a responsible adult who can have a mortgage, drive a car, reproduce and earn a living. Your children may not yet be two, they probably can’t hold a pencil correctly, hold a conversation or control their bowels. So there’s no reason they should get the better of you, is there? Is there?
At around two your toddlers will start to assert themselves as the battle for their ultimate goal, independence, begins, which will incorporate winning and losing a few battles along the way. This two-year period is actually the time when they suss out what sort of parents you are and how much they will be able to get away with in the future. Their respect for you starts here. Crack it now and life will be easier for all of you. Although your children won’t recognize it, they will feel reassured and safe knowing that their parents are there constantly guiding, helping, correcting and leading them on their long road to independence.
Children need, and subconsciously want, boundaries and they need to know what they are. Keep rules simple so that they can understand, such as they are not allowed to hit the cat, or bang their sit-on car into the cupboard. Once they know their boundaries they will try and cross them.
Very often they will watch for your reaction as they do it, as if to say, ‘So what are you going to do about it?’ Do something about it. Stop them immediately. In these examples, remove the cat or the car and tell them why. They will be so much happier for it (so will the cat).
When toddlers start to disagree with you it’s not because they’re being disrespectful, they just have a different opinion. If you were to have a toddler that just sat quietly in the corner and obeyed your every command, then worry!
Tantrums (Theirs Not Yours)
Anytime from when your children are about 18 months you can prepare yourself for the onslaught of the tantrum, the ‘terrible twos’ as they are sometimes known. Toddlers should come with one of those warnings you see at theme parks for the scary rides: ‘If you suffer from a nervous disposition, high-blood pressure or a weak heart …’ But they don’t, and at times, although you may wish to throw your arms in the air and scream, don’t. Stay calm, keep control; you’re in for a rollercoaster ride and when it’s all over, just like the scary ride, you’ll think it wasn’t that bad after all.
Although there will be times when you wonder why you never noticed someone replace your beautiful baby with the spawn of Satan, just remember that children do not have tantrums to anger you. They have them because they are frustrated or angry and they simply don’t know how to express themselves differently. All this said, never, ever give in to a tantrum otherwise they will still be throwing them when they are 19.
Tantrums are like one-man shows: they need an audience to survive and thrive. Remove the audience and the performance will quickly end.
Often there is some incident or response to an incident which ‘lights the blue touch paper’, and they’re off, stamping feet, crying, lying on the floor and kicking, all terribly dramatic. If you are at home and they are not in danger of hurting themselves, simply leave them where they are or put them into their bedroom, on a chair or the floor or the bed and leave. Do not close the door. Don’t raise your voice, get angry or be rough.
Calmly tell them in a firm voice that when they stop crying and behaving in that way, they can come and see you. Then get out of sight, and stay out of sight until the child calms down. With no audience, they will soon stop. When they are calm they will either come to you or you go to them and explain how they should have expressed themselves. Then do not mention the incident again. It’s history. Simply move on and suggest something to do, but never give a sweet or biscuit immediately after a tantrum as this may be seen by the child as a reward. And that’s the last thing we want.
If your child is flailing around and you are worried that he might harm himself, just hold him gently until he settles. If he tries to run off you may have to restrain him with a firmer hand. And if the incident has been sparked by a sweet, or a sibling’s toy, or a piece of clothing, remove it out of sight for the remainder of the day if possible. By the next day it will be forgotten.
If they start to throw a tantrum in the supermarket, immediately take them outside or back to the car. Tell them in a firm voice that they can stop that type of behaviour immediately and let them cool off, then begin again. Under no circumstances leave the food shopping for another day. When your children have settled down explain what you are going to do (the shopping), and ask for their help; if they do help they can have a reward of a sweet or comic afterwards.
Never give in when you are in public because of the fuss they are making. There are loads of parents who are going to recognize what’s happening; we’ve all had children throwing screaming tantrums in public and we will all silently pat you on the back for doing the right thing.
If your child is creating in his pushchair in the supermarket or shop and someone thinks it would be kind to offer the child a sweet, immediately thank them but take it and say that they can have it later.
The silent tantrum
The silent tantrum consists of your child lying on the floor face down and refusing to get up or move. This type of tantrum, for some unknown reason, does not seem to happen much at home. The little darlings seem to like to keep this gem for public outings, such as supermarkets and shops.
The best way to deal with this show of wills is to ask them to get up, to which they will probably not reply, then calmly say that you are going home, and if they would like to come would they please come now. This will either be met with a stony silence or a ‘No’. If they happen to be lying in the middle of an aisle or in an inconvenient place (they’re all inconvenient, you shout), simply say, ‘I’ll just move you to one side [and do], because you are in everyone’s way. Now I’m off home. Goodbye.’ Move a few yards away, not letting them out of your sight, but slightly hidden so when they look up for you in about thirty seconds, they will not immediately see you. They will then probably get up and you can go and retrieve them and leave together.
You will soon get to know the warning signs of an impending tantrum, so as far as