Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon:not So Straight Answers From America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Colum. Michael AlvearЧитать онлайн книгу.
age five—“Look, he doesn’t have a penis, is he a girl?” And then it resurfaced again at ages eleven through my first year of college with equally brutal comments. I remember one guy, he was so abusive, he used to yell out “Your dick is so tiny, it could fit through the top of a Coke bottle.”
Despite years of therapy, these experiences have left indelible wounds. To have them reinforced in the gay locker rooms, on nude beaches, etc., has been a really disappointing aspect to being out and seeking sexual fulfillment. People who seem interested in me clothed, seem to dismiss me when they see my small flaccid dick. Nude, I’m usually dismissed. Little do they know how content they’d be with my erect dick.
I’ve also had sexual partners spontaneously gasp in disappointment when they first see me naked (if I’m not immediately erect) or, after I ejaculate, when they see how small my dick becomes after I cum. A few overly honest friends or tricks have commented on this, and said that this was a reason they couldn’t continue with me as a sexual partner, though they wanted to be friends.
One close non-sexual friend, who I would love to be sexual with, recently told me that he can only get aroused by big dicks. He said he heard from an old boyfriend of mine that I had a small dick. And then, with embarrassed sensitivity and honesty, this close non-sexual friend said he’d otherwise be interested in dating me, but he couldn’t be sexual with me or consider a relationship because of my dick size. He apologized profusely, but said he knew himself too well. I have been friends with this man for several years. He is very sensitive and self-aware, educated, professional, popular, charming, mature, and good looking. It’s disappointing, anger inducing, and hard to accept that he could be so limited. And yet the prevalence of small dick size as chatter and comment in the gay community makes me feel I can’t condemn him; or pathologize him.
Woody, do you have any suggestions for how to improve my chances with men? I long for an emotionally and sexually intimate relationship. I know there are other factors than flaccid penis size in the establishment of attraction. And there must be some men out there who don’t place such a premium on penis size. Also, any suggestions on how to be more at ease in situations where clothing is optional? I like hot tubs and nude beaches a lot, but the subtle and not so subtle snubs and smirks make me want to avoid these pleasurable aspects to being alive.
—Not that small
Dear Not:
Your letter reminds me of something a friend once told me: The difference between men and pigs is that pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
You think straight society is judgmental and hostile? Welcome to the loving and accepting brotherhood of gay men. Your letter perfectly captured the cruelty and emotional brutality gay men struggle against in their own community.
The good news is that it’s possible to meet good-looking guys who don’t care about penis size, guys who know that a man can’t be reduced to the sum of his parts, no matter how small those parts may be. And I’m going to show you how to find them.
First, handle your dick size the way positive men handle their HIV status—by telling people before you end up in bed with them. The comparison of size obsession to AIDS is more appropriate than you think. They’re both infections. One attacks the body, the other the mind. One is transmitted through needles and sex, the other by gossip and cruelty. You can never tell who has it by looking at them and both result in severely limiting the range of sexual options. So it seems appropriate to use what we’ve learned about HIV to combat the effects of size obsession, a dysfunction marked by recurring hallucinations that size is the only thing that matters in sex.
For HIV positive men, a funny thing happened on the way to disclosure. What started as an ethical obligation to inform potential sex partners, ended up being an empowering way to overcome the shame society placed on their condition.
Here’s how disclosure would work for you: You’re at a bar at the end of the evening or at your door at the end of a date. The Fuck Me Meter is banging to the right. It’s decision time. You lean in and whisper, “I can’t wait to get you into bed. I have a smaller-than-average dick but I know how to use it. Do you want to come in?”
Don’t announce your dick size as a matter of pride but as a matter of fact. If someone is going to have a negative, shaming reaction, let them have it outside your door or in the bar. Make your home and your bedroom a shame-free zone. No one comes in there without knowing what to expect. It preserves your dignity, screens out the size-obsessed, and dramatically improves your chances of a good roll in the hay.
Some guys, maybe most, will turn into Frosty the Snowman, tapping their wristwatches and wondering, loudly, where the time went. But there’ll be others, like me, who will say “Cool. What are you cooking us for breakfast?”
Gay society has shame on sale and it’s flying off the shelves. Like any popular product, it’s hard to resist, especially when the price is so right. But I say let someone else have it. Treat your grocery cart as if it were full and move to the next aisle.
Gay men love imprisonment. As soon as we break out of society’s closet we build one for ourselves. We’re like housebroken dogs trained in the crate. Even after we have the run of the house, we’d still rather sleep in the crate.
Don’t let your past experiences stop you from pursuing a rich and satisfying sex life. You deserve it and I promise you it’s out there. You get it by rising above the swirling cruelty to build an enlightened life. Like you did when you first came out.
Hey, Woody!
Can you do me a big favor? Could you please provide my email address to the guy who wrote to you about having a small dick? That letter broke my heart. I have a big dick that I used to always brag about, but it never brought home good guys. Although I like the sight of a big one, I have never thought it was important for my boyfriend to have a big penis. I love sweet, tender, compassionate men … dick size means almost nothing. I wish that guy were here right now … I would love to send him a note.
Hey, Woody!
After reading the letter written by Not That Small, I felt so bad for him I wanted to cry. Please tell him not everyone is a size queen. I can honestly say that the best sexual experience I have ever had was with a man whose dick was way below average size. I live in New Orleans, also known as the Big Easy—and for good reason, too—where casual sex is king and a big dick is a requirement. It never ceases to amaze me how people can judge a man’s character by the size of his dick. Tell him not to give up looking for that special someone as there ARE those like me who are out there looking for an all-around great guy, where size is not a requirement. As for the good friend who was not interested in a relationship with you because he heard about your dick size … damn, man, you need to pick better friends.
Hey, Woody!
Just wanted to drop a note to say I really admired and appreciated your handling of the small dick issue. Although I LOVE being a gay man, I hate how shallow, condescending, and just plain mean-spirited our community can be sometimes. I hope this guy realizes that not all gay men are like this, that there are guys like me who know that a smaller wrench doesn’t mean you can’t fix the machine.
Dear Everyone Who Responded But There Isn’t Enough Space To Print You:
Thanks for the heart-felt sentiments. It’s time to move on. I’d say “to bigger and better things” but the wording is unfortunate, so I won’t say it.
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