Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon:not So Straight Answers From America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Colum. Michael AlvearЧитать онлайн книгу.
cloudy urine, discharge, swelling, or an alarming attraction to rainbow flags, it’s probably nothing to worry about.
My advisory panel thinks it’s most likely a perception of pain and relief, the kind you get after a hard workout at the gym when your muscles can get tired and achy. In other words, you’re nuts.
If it truly is a medical condition causing the pain, it’s most likely a prostate infection, which can easily be solved with antibiotics. If you suspect rainbow flags might be involved, then the problem is much more serious and will require surgery to sew in a sense of good taste, the kind Martha Stewart tried to graft into Kmart, which of course rejected it like a bad organ transplant.
Hey, Woody!
Every time I take a shower at the gym I get real embarrassed because my pup doesn’t measure up. When I’m erect, I’m actually pretty normal-sized, but when I’m not, it’s pretty small. Why does my penis shrink to a cigar stub when I need to impress the most?
—Small in the stall
Dear Small:
Tell you what. The best way to grow your penis is to get into a gay chat room on America Online. Everyone there is eight inches. Just ask them.
You can’t tell how big someone really is by seeing their flaccid penis in the locker room. A recent study at the University of California at San Francisco confirmed what Masters & Johnson told us decades ago: There is no correlation … let me repeat that … there is no correlation between flaccid penis size and erect penis size. If your penis is unusually large when its flaccid, it does not mean it will be unusually large when it’s erect. The reverse is also true. You’re a “grower, not a shower.”
Hey, Woody!
I’m dating a certain Mr. Tripod. I love his huge dick but then when I touch myself—and I’m pretty big—it feels like I have a tiny penis. All of a sudden I feel “less than.” It’s getting in the way of making myself cum when we jerk off together. How can I get over this?
—Large in an even larger world
Dear Large:
First, I never give advice about big dicks unless I see them first. It wouldn’t be right. So send me a jpeg on email. Until then, I have a question. What the hell are you doing playing with yourself when you need three hands to manage Mr. Tripod?
Since you didn’t mention oral or anal sex, I’m assuming that jerking off is the only thing you feel comfortable doing. If that’s the case, fine. Then keep your hands to yourself and let him jerk you off to orgasm. It’s so much more fun that way.
Hey, Woody!
Is it true you can do exercises to improve your sex life? I go to the gym but I can’t say it’s done much for my sex life. Is this a fad thing or does it really work?
—Willin’ to train
Dear Will:
It’s true, exercising something called your PC muscles will improve your ability to have hot monkey love.
PC stands for pubococcygeous, the muscles you use to stop and restart the flow of urine. It’s at the heart of the ancient Taoist training in the art of making love. It involves strengthening the PC muscles that form the pelvic floor between your legs by contracting and releasing them in a series of exercises.
These muscles surround the urethra and control everything that passes through it—urine, semen, and in some gay men, hair gel. One exercise is to contract the PC muscles and keep them tightened for a count of ten, then relax. Another is to contract and relax the PC muscles as quickly as possible.
You start by doing ten of these types of exercises a day and work up to 100. Sex researchers say a steady regimen of these exercises can give you greater staying power, a greater number of orgasms and firmer erections.
Try the classic Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy—it’s chock full of the exercises. In America, these “secrets” are called Kegel exercises. They should be done with legs slightly apart (but not with your ankles soldered to your ears, like so many of my friends do).
The cool thing about the “Kegels” is that you can do them anywhere—driving, walking, watching TV, doing dishes, or baking K. No one will ever know. About the exercises I mean, not the K. Don’t expect overnight success. This ain’t Viagra. It takes six to eight weeks of daily exercising before you see results.
Hey, Woody!
I’m thinking of using an ejaculation control cream like Mandelay but I’m worried about my partner. Will the cream rub off and cause a loss of sensation for him as well?
—Hung but numb
Dear Hung:
Of COURSE it’s going to rub off and cause your partner a loss of sensation, you idiot. And on top of that, he may be allergic to its active ingredient—benzocaine, the topical anesthetic used to treat canker sores.
I can just see you now, “Oh, look honey, this’ll numb your ass so you won’t feel anything and then afterwards I can take you to the ER.” What a guy.
Most sex therapists do not recommend ejaculation delay creams. There are lots of exercises you can do to get control. We’ve covered them before and we’ll do it again later. Meantime, lose the creams and find some info on the net.
Hey, Woody!
I LOVE your column but I live far from the city so I can’t pick it up very often. Do you email your responses? Cuz if you do, please tell me what I can do about guys losing their minds over my uncut dick. I’m from Brazil where everyone is uncut, so I don’t understand why so many guys are turned off by it. I know it’s different from what they’re used to, but can it make that much difference? I’ve actually had guys, when they go down on me, go “eeeewwww” and come back up. Any suggestions for handling this?
—A halibut without the cut
Dear Halibut:
No, I don’t email my answers, especially when the requests come without shirtless pictures.
Besides, I hate uncut dicks.
KIDDING, I’m kidding. I love all dicks. Well, except the ones hanging from chicks.
Listen, when you’re dealing with the shallow and superficial (did anyone say “gay"?), you need to re-think your poaching strategies. If you know that something about you has the potential for turning Mr. Sunflower into Mr. Sunburn, don’t wait till you’re in bed for them to find out.
Whether you have a small dick, an uncut dick, HIV, or worse, a penchant for singing Broadway musicals when you first get out of bed, you need to let your partner know about it. It’s only right. Who wants to hear that shit so early in the morning?
I’m a great believer in making bedrooms a shame-free zone. So, tell guys you’re uncut before you go home with them. Don’t say it with pride or shame, don’t say it with confidence or meekness, just say it. And the funnier, the better. For instance: “Hey, man, before we go home together there are three things you need to know about us Brazilians:”
1. We can suck the rind off a watermelon without slicing into it.
2. We can make gringos sing two octaves higher in bed.
3. We have beautiful uncut dicks.
And then go for the close: “Me? I got two out of the three. Wanna help me work on the third?”
Hey, Woody!
My flaccid dick is quite small, and is terrible advertising