Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon:not So Straight Answers From America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Colum. Michael AlvearЧитать онлайн книгу.
late from hearing the judge say “Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help your balls?”
Hey, Woody!
I’m in my mid-twenties, I’m good-looking and I know it. I work out five days a week and you could slice tomatoes on my stomach—my abs are that ripped. For the past two months I’ve been dating a great guy. He is all that and a bag of chips. He has just about anything you would want in a man. So what could possibly be wrong? Me, gym bunny, can’t come when I’m having sex with this guy. I mean sometimes I can, but mostly I can’t, even when he’s fucking me. I’ve always had this problem but it gets worse when I really like a guy. And this guy I really like. Do you have any suggestions or helpful hints? I’ve tried different kinds of positions but nothing really helps. Oh, and one more thing. Is there any physical damage to having sex regularly but NOT coming?
—Full of muscles and too much cum
Dear Full:
Mid-twenties and ripped abs, you say? Too bad I don’t make house calls; I’d milk you like a cow.
First, the easy question. No, chronic avoidance of ejaculation will not harm you. Your spooge will come out anyway through nocturnal emissions. It will, however, make you temporarily less likely to fertilize an egg. But, just between us boys, unless we’re talking about omelets who cares about eggs?
You’re suffering from “retarded ejaculation.” Well, that’s what the doctors call it when they’re awake and sober, which frankly, is happening less and less since the advent of managed care.
They also call it “ejaculatory incompetence.” It’s an inhibition of the ejaculatory reflex in the presence of a partner. About one to four percent of men suffer from it, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
If you have any sexual dysfunction always check out the possibility there may be a medical condition causing it. You said you could come when you’re jerking off alone, so congratulations, there’s nothing medically wrong with you. You’re just nuts.
Or maybe you’re just on drugs. The kind that “retard” ejaculation. Anti-depressants are famous for keeping the baby from burping. So are other drugs like guanethidine, which lowers blood pressure.
If there’s no medical or drug explanation, experts say the leading causes of retarded ejaculation are: 1) Strict religious backgrounds (can you spell “G-U-I-L-T?”); 2) Deeply-grooved masturbation patterns (you can only come if you’re doing the one thing you’ve been doing for years); and 3) Traumatic events (being discovered while masturbating, finding out your lover is cheating, or worse, finding out he’s NOT cheating).
If the problem is situational, a little mental re-framing can help. You can’t “will” yourself into an ejaculation any more than you can will yourself to sleep or to sweat. So don’t “try.” The harder you try the more inhibited you’ll become. The only way to master an involuntary reflex is to stop caring so much about it. If it’s not that big a deal whether you ejaculate, you’ll have more ejaculations.
Very Zen, isn’t it?
And twisted, too. The only way you can get what you really want is by not wanting it? How fucked is that? But it’s true. It’s one of the key components in treating involuntary dysfunctions.
Your problem isn’t situational though, it’s chronic. And for that you need to get on the couch and figure out what issue you’re dealing with. Therapy’s success rate is very high, around 70–80 percent in 12–18 sessions if you go to a sex therapist. Don’t go to a regular therapist.
And for God’s sakes, don’t go to the psychologist my editor goes to. Actually, he goes to a psycholofist, the kind that put their hands up your ass in search of an insight. Which explains a lot about my editor, come to think of it.
Hey, Woody!
I just saw some porn videos by this French company called Bel Ami—you know, the ones with that hot guy “Lucas.” Can I just say three words? Oh. My. God. But I digress. The videos were filled with gorgeous but uncircumcised men. I’ve been with a lot of men, but never with an uncut one, so it was kind of shocking for me to see it. Still, I was really turned on by it. Now I’m dying to go home with an uncut guy, but I can’t find anybody! Why is that? Also, if there’s more skin on the penis does that mean there’s more feeling in it?
—Feelin’ gypped cuz I got clipped
Dear Gyp:
How do you get uncut guys? The same way you get uncut cocaine—you leave the country. About 85 percent of the world’s male population is uncircumcised. Experts think only about 20 percent of American men are uncut (am I the only one wondering who takes the count, and where do you sign up to assist?).
Basically, if you want to swim with the hoods you’re going to have to hang in their ‘hoods. The 20 percent of Americans who are uncut are probably of Latino descent or from other cultures that don’t have a strong tradition of cutting the man out of their boys.
As a culture, we believe that circumcised penises are more hygienic, even though there is no real supporting data. Some reports show circumcision lowers risks for infant urinary tract infections, penile cancer, and possibly-maybe-but-nobody’s-sure, sexually transmitted diseases. But come on, infant urinary tract infections aren’t very common and penile cancer is extremely rare.
We’ve turned circumcision into a fashion statement and disguised it as a medical need so we can feel good about it.
In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics was so unimpressed with the clipping crowd that in 1975 it recommended that circumcision no longer be performed as a routine procedure because it wasn’t medically necessary.
Most experts agree that the uncircumcised penis is more sexually sensitive. It makes sense if you think about it—the heads of most American dicks are constantly rubbing up against underwear (or, for some of you out in the bars, denim), while our compatriots around the world get to wear protective sausage sacks. Well, no wonder Latinos are so passionate! They’re feeling so much more than we are. Too bad we can’t paste our foreskins back on. I’d do it faster than you could say “prepuce.”
Hey, Woody!
Several years ago a boyfriend squeezed the head of my cock just as I was about to ejaculate. He was trying to stop a premature ejaculation but I came anyway and it hurt like a motherfucker. Later on I developed what I think is Peyronie’s disease—a bent erection. Plus, the head of my cock doesn’t engorge as much as it used to. Medication given to me by a urologist helped very little. He said surgery is my best bet. Is it?
—Bent over
Dear Bent:
Peyronie’s Disease (curvature of the penis) can develop from drama to the penis. Wait, that’s not right. If that were true, my dick would look like a pretzel. I meant “trauma.”
As in rough sex trauma, or in your case, shit-for-brains boyfriend trauma. Here’s what most likely happened to you: When Mr. Stand Back I Know What I’m Doing squeezed your cock, the pressure from the ejaculation caused microscopic tears in the vascular pathway. As it healed, scar tissue formed and allowed plaque to build up, essentially calcifying the direction of your joystick.
Scar tissue pulls on one side of the tissue while expanding the other, creating the unseemly bend that marks Peyronie’s disease. If it’s a slight case, vitamin E taken orally might help. Forget the creams, they’re like AOL chat room profiles—all hat and no cattle. Approximately 20 percent of the cases resolve spontaneously. If yours doesn’t, surgery is the only effective way of straightening you out.
Surgery on your dick may sound scary, but think of it as an orgy: You’re laying there with your thighs wide open and everybody around you wants a piece of you.