Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon:not So Straight Answers From America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Colum. Michael AlvearЧитать онлайн книгу.
You MUST go see a doctor. Priapism can scar the penis if not treated early enough, and can lead to impotence.
Oh, and you’ll love how they’ll drain your dick—by sticking it with a big fat needle. If that’s what you’re up against, remember the words my father uttered when I was ten years old. He poured me a shot of whiskey and said “It’s never too late to start drinking.”
Hey, Woody!
I spent a lot of time in Europe and I got really turned on by uncircumcised penises. It’s the norm over there. I love the sharp odor. I call it “dickincense.”
In America, dicks smell just like any other body part. I’m going out with a European living in the U.S. and thank God I get a faceful of dickincense and myrrh when I unzip his fly. My question is, when does the distinctive odor turn offensive? Sometimes I go from being turned on to turned off because it smells a little different.
—Taking the time to smell the smegma
Dear Smeg:
Smegma and sweat combine like high and low pressure zones to produce the kind of wind that sets sails or droops mastheads, depending on your personal choice.
Smegma is a cheesy secretion found under the foreskin. It’s also found under the Capitol Rotunda when Congress is in session. Smegma can act as a natural lube, though I suspect most Americans aren’t ready for that visual. Smegma can be a friend, despite its off-putting name. Clinical studies show it has antibacterial and anti-viral properties.
Still, macaroni and cheese should be served on the dinner table, not in the bedroom, so pulling back the foreskin and washing away excess smegma is important. Hygienically, if excess smegma isn’t washed away, it can turn to glue, preventing the foreskin from easily moving back and forth along the head of the penis.
If his penis perfume turns bad, it could be an infection. Yes, women aren’t the only ones who can bake someone happy with a yeast infection. But you’ll know if that’s what it is—there’s redness and abnormal pus. To prevent infection, uncircumcised men need to retract their foreskin and wash with soap and water every day. Sorry, boyfriend spit doesn’t have the cleaning power to do the job.
Hey, Woody!
I’m constantly comparing my dick size to other guys and I always feel like I’m smaller than average. Intellectually, I know I’m at least average size (I’ve asked some of my partners and they’ve all said I’m actually bigger than average), but why does it FEEL like I have a small dick? I’m kind of obsessed about it. In the locker room I check other guys out and they always look bigger than I do. I’m not a size queen, I just want to feel okay about what I’ve got, but I don’t. Any words of wisdom?
—A lobster who feels like a shrimp
Dear Lobster:
Perception is everything. And perception is often colored by position. Like the position of your eyes when you look. Guys always look bigger than you do because you’re looking down at yours and straight on at theirs. When you look down at something it always looks shorter than if you look straight at it. If you’re going to go through the process of comparing yourself to other guys, at least be fair to yourself. Look at your dick from the same angle you look at others. Use a mirror.
You need to heal this obsession you have about being smaller than other guys. First, get some facts to fight your fiction. Measure yourself with a cloth tape. Compare your pole to the polls: The average length of a penis is 3.5 inches when it’s flaccid and 5.1 inches when it’s hard. No, that wasn’t a typo. The average length of a man’s erect penis is 5.1. inches.
However, the average length of a man’s imagination is eight inches, and that’s the problem. A while ago Men’s Fitness did a poll of over 5,000 men aged 29-32, asking them to guess the average size of a man’s erect penis. Fifteen percent said seven inches, four percent said eight inches and two percent said nine inches.
It just goes to show you how clueless men are about size. And just about any other aspect of sex. Especially straight men. Men’s Fitness reported how a sex expert went to a bar and asked men to pinpoint a woman’s clitoris on a diagram. The ninth guy got it right. Good thing the expert didn’t ask gay guys to pinpoint a man’s heart. He’d still be at the bar.
Anyway, make sure you’re measuring correctly. I hate to dash your hopes on the rocks of reality, but forget about measuring from your balls to the tip of your cock. That’s how tacos get confused with burritos. The only acceptable standard in sex research is to measure it from the base of the penis facing your stomach when you’re lying down. Odd, how the word “lying” seems so appropriate in discussions about size, eh?
Hey, Woody!
I have seen many a schlong in my life—big ones, small ones, fat ones, skinny ones, hooded ones, bald ones—you name, it I’ve seen it. Curiously, they all had one thing in common: They were darker than the bodies they dangled from. Why doesn’t the color of dicks match their owner’s bodies?
—Wondering when I’m not slobbering
Dear Wondering:
Hey, what about the scrotum? It has a darker coloration too. But no, you didn’t mention that, Mr. Penis-centric. As a journalist once asked a bunch of Nixon-obsessed historians, “Dick, Dick, Dick. Is that all you guys think about?”
Anyway, back to the question. The answer depends on Dick’s condition (yours, not Nixon’s. He’s dead, you know). Is he saluting or lying in the hammock? If he’s hard, his skin will look darker because anything engorged with blood is going to darken. Well, except vegetarians. They look pasty whether they’re engorged or not.
Actually, dicks are generally darker than the bodies they hang from, whether they’re hard or soft. At birth they start out the same color. But at puberty, Nature introduces Willie to a special friend—your hand.
As Mr. Nice To Meet You, Too, You Can Let Go Now will tell anybody who’ll listen, someone needs to teach you the difference between a handshake and a chokehold. But I digress.
Genitals will darken with or without your insolent hands. It’s part of the sexual maturation process. But being manhandled hastens the process. If we grabbed our faces the way we grab our dicks, the skin on our cheeks would look like a tar pit, too.
Hey, Woody!
Help me shoot farther, man! I want to explode like a rocket when I cum but I end up dripping like a leaky faucet instead. When I’m cumming I feel like my whole body is going to explode—like I’m going to shoot all over the room, so why does it just dribble out? I get jealous whenever I watch porn and see these guys painting walls from across the room. Is there any way to increase my “shooting” range?
—Dribbler
Dear Dribbler:
There’s little you can do to increase the arc of your spark. Genetics plays the biggest factor. Only a lucky few are born with the ability to spray semen like a depressed teenager with an Uzi at a suburban high school.
There actually are two things you can do to increase the spread of your spray, but they’re a hassle and take a lot of discipline. First, stop whacking off so much. The more ejaculate you “save,” the more distance you’ll earn. It’s like a pressure valve—the more the pressure, the harder you’ll blow. But hell, who wants to reduce the frequency of coming just so you can shot-put the white stuff a few inches farther?
Orgasms happen via a spinal cord reflex that causes strong rhythmic contractions in the urogenital system. Your ejaculation isn’t ruled by your hand, your partner’s mouth, or your wild imagination. It’s ruled by the urethra, the prostate, and the muscles at the base of the penis as they involuntarily contract.
You