The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy / Руководство для путешествующих автостопом по Галактике. Дуглас АдамсЧитать онлайн книгу.

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over Arthur Dent as he lay in the cold mud.

      Mr. Prosser frowned. “It’s not a very nice house anyway,” he said.

      “I’m sorry, but I happen to like it.”[11]

      “You’ll like the bypass.”

      “Oh shut up,” said Arthur Dent. “Shut up and go away, and take your bloody[12] bypass with you!”

      Mr. Prosser’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times while his mind showed him pleasant visions of Arthur Dent’s house burning. He pulled himself together.[13]

      “Mr. Dent,” he said.

      “Hello? Yes?” said Arthur.

      “Some information for you. Have you any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll over you?”

      “How much?” said Arthur.

      “None at all,” said Mr. Prosser, and walked nervously of.f

* * *

      By a curious coincidence, “none at all” is exactly how much suspicion the ape-descendant Arthur Dent had that one of his closest friends was not an ape-descendant from Guildford[14] as he used to tell people, but was in fact from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse[15].

      Arthur Dent had never, ever suspected this.

      This friend had first arrived on the planet about fifteen Earth years before, and he had worked hard to join the Earth society – with, it must be said, some success. For example, he had spent those fifteen years pretending to be an out-of-work actor, which was true enough.

      He had made one mistake though. He had chosen the name “Ford Prefect[16]” for himself, thinking it was totally ordinary.

      He was neither tall nor dark or handsome[17]. His hair was ginger. There was something a bit strange about him, but it was difficult to say what it was. Maybe it was that his eyes didn’t blink often enough. Or maybe it was that he smiled a bit too much.

      Most of the friends he had made on Earth thought he was eccentric but harmless – a boozer with some unusual habits. For example, he would often join university parties, get badly drunk and start making fun of any astrophysicist he could find till they threw him out.

      Sometimes he would get into a strange mood and stare into the sky, hypnotized, until someone asked him what he was doing.

      Then he would relax and smile. “Oh, just looking for flying saucers[18],” he would joke and everyone would laugh and ask him what kind of flying saucers he was looking for.

      “Green ones!” he would reply with a grin, laugh wildly for a moment and then suddenly run to the nearest bar and buy a round of drinks[19].

      Evenings like this usually ended badly. Ford would get drunk on whisky. Then, walking down the night streets, he would often ask passing policemen if they knew the way to Betelgeuse. The policemen would usually say something like, “Don’t you think it’s time you went home, sir?”

      “I’m trying to, I’m trying to,” was what Ford usually replied.

      In fact what he was really looking for when he stared into the night sky was any kind of flying saucer at all. The reason he said green was because green was the traditional space uniform color of the Betelgeuse scouts.

      Ford Prefect hoped to see any flying saucer at all because fifteen years was a long time to spend anywhere, especially somewhere as dull as the Earth. Ford wished he would see a flying saucer soon because he knew how to flag them down[20] and get a lift from them. He knew how to see the Marvels of the Universe for less than thirty Altairan[21] dollars a day.

      In fact, Ford Prefect was a researcher for that remarkable book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

* * *

      Human beings[22] adapt very well, and by lunchtime life around Arthur’s house had turned into a routine. It was Arthur’s role to lie in the mud, sometimes asking for his lawyer, his mother, or a good book. It was Mr. Prosser’s role to give Arthur yet another For-the-Public-Good talk, the March-of-Progress talk, the They-Knocked-My-House-Down-Once-You-Know, Never-Looked-Back talk. And it was the bulldozer drivers’ role to sit around drinking coffee and trying to see how they could turn the situation to their financial advantage.

      The Earth moved slowly in its course, and the sun was beginning to dry the mud Arthur lay in.

      A shadow moved across him.

      “Hello, Arthur,” said the shadow.

      Arthur looked up and was surprised to see Ford Prefect standing above him.

      “Ford! Hello, how are you?”

      “Fine,” said Ford, “look, are you busy?”

      “Am I busy?” exclaimed Arthur. “Well, I’ve just got all these bulldozers and other things to lie in front of because they’ll demolish my house if I don’t, but other than that… well, no, not especially, why?”

      They don’t have sarcasm on Betelgeuse, and Ford Prefect often failed to notice it.

      He said, “Good, is there anywhere we can talk?”

      “What?” said Arthur Dent.

      For a few seconds Ford seemed to ignore him, and stared into the sky. Then suddenly he sat down beside Arthur.

      “We’ve got to talk,” he said.

      “Fine,” said Arthur, “talk.”

      “And drink,” said Ford. “It’s very important that we talk and drink. Now. We’ll go to the pub in the village.” He looked into the sky again, nervously.

      “Look, don’t you understand?” shouted Arthur. He pointed at Prosser. “That man wants to demolish my house!”

      Ford looked at him, puzzled. “Well, he can do it while you’re away, can’t he?” he asked.

      “But I don’t want him to!”

      “Ah.”

      “Look, what’s the matter with you, Ford?” said Arthur.

      “Nothing. Nothing’s the matter. Listen to me – I’ve got to tell you the most important thing you’ve ever heard. I’ve got to tell you now, and I’ve got to tell you this in the pub.”

      “But why?”

      “Because you are going to need a very strong drink.”

      Ford stared at Arthur, and Arthur suddenly felt that his will was weakening.

      He didn’t know that this was because of an old drinking game that Ford learned to play in the hyperspace[23] ports of the star system of Orion Beta. The game was played like this: two contestants would sit at a table, with a glass in front of each of them. Between them would be placed a bottle of Janx Spirit[24]. Each contestant would then concentrate their will on the bottle and try to pour spirit into the glass of his opponent – who would then have to drink it. The bottle would then be refilled. The game would be played again. And again. If you started to lose, you would probably keep losing, because one of the effects of Janx Spirit is to block telepsychic power[25]. Ford Prefect usually played to lose.

      Ford stared at Arthur, who began to think that maybe he really wanted to go to the Horse and Groom pub after all.

      “But

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