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are treatments, but there’s no strong evidence that anything other than surgery works. You should see a urologist or at least get more information about it. Try the American Foundation for Urologic Disease at (800) 828-7866.
Hey, Woody!
In the annals of stupid penis tricks I have one I’m trying to get rid of. Whenever I drive in my car, I get an erection. I can’t just whack off in the middle of stop-and-go traffic. First, why is this happening, and second, how can I stop it?
—Traffic-stopper
Dear Traffic-stopper:
Men get hard in the oddest places. Some even get hard in vaginas.
Urologists say you’re suffering from “Road Erection.” It’s similar to Road Rage. They both leave you spent, but for entirely different reasons. Road erections come from the vibrations your car makes because you’re too cheap to buy a Lexus. Car vibrations set off blood into the penis. Sitting puts pressure on the veins, effectively trapping the blood inside, helping you-know-who stand at attention. Plus, if you’re like the rest of us, you’re thinking about sex every other time you blink anyway.
If you’re tired of car-pooling with willie, try a doughnut-style seat cushion like the ones hemorrhoid sufferers use. It’ll help keep pressure off the veins and your attention on the road.
Hey, Woody!
The other day I was about to, you know, “Enter the Dragon” when suddenly I went limp. I’ve never had this problem before. Luckily, it hasn’t happened again, but the fear of it repeating is almost worse than it actually happening. Can you say some words to put me at ease? Or, rather, at hard?
—Expecting the worst
Dear Expecting:
They say the watched pot never boils. Same thing with your dick. Forget about it, man. At some point in his life every man will look down at his crotch and glare at the laziness of his penis. How could it just sit there, lounging around when there’s so much work to do? Easy. You’re a man, not a machine. Shit happens, and it happens a lot more often than you think.
“Situational impotence” happens to everyone. Did I spell that last word right? E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E. And if it hasn’t happened to you yet, wait, your card will be drawn.
You can’t will yourself into an erection just like you can’t will yourself to sleep. A guaranteed way of keeping yourself awake at night is to constantly ask yourself “Am I asleep yet?” A guaranteed way of repeating situational impotence is to constantly ask yourself “Is this the time I’m gonna go soft?”
The only way to get out of the obsessive loop you’re in is to take the sting out of occasional impotence. If it’s okay—and not some unbearable hell—to occasionally lose your erection, you won’t feel so pressured. So sit yourself down, close your eyes, put your hand on your heart and say “It’s perfectly okay to occasionally lose my erection. It’s true I don’t like it, but it’s also true that it means nothing.”
If you truly “get it,” that occasionally losing your erection is meaningless, then your body and mind won’t have to stand sentry, scanning for the possibility of disaster. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll let you have my boyfriend for a night. He can suck a softball through 30 feet of garden hose. If he can’t get you up, no one can.
Hey, Woody!
I’m uncircumsized, and I have an unusually long foreskin. When I have an erection the foreskin still covers the head. I’ve got to pull it back with my hand when I’m beating off or fucking somebody. I’m thinking of snipping it. I’m in my late 20s—it scares me to snip anything in that area. Do you think I should have a circumsicion?
—Snip and Tuck
Dear Snippy:
I say it’s time to carve the turkey. It’s not that I think being circumcised is better—it’s that I don’t think you should live with anything that gets in the way of sexual pleasure. Boyfriends are the only exception to this rule.
In 1871 the New York Medical Journal published a piece by a doctor who contended that a long foreskin was a cause of masturbation. At the time, masturbation was considered unhealthy (and I agree. I feel healthier when someone blows me). Anyway that idiot doctor advocated circumcision as a way to stop guys from masturbating. I say it’s time to lighten your load, but if you have reservations about it, go to a urologist—he can alleviate your concerns and explain the procedure in detail.
Hey, Woody!
What are you crazy? Advising “Snip and Tuck” to get a circumcision is like recommending a frontal lobotomy for Monday morning blues! The average man loses 10,000 nerve endings from circumcision and all the nerve transmissions traveling through what once was the foreskin. Once he’s cut, the head of his dick is going to rub up against his underwear until his glans’ skin thickens, toughens and gets desensitized. To quote one of the many adults who were misled or involuntarily circumcised, “I once had a sex organ, now I have a stub.” In a hundred years, circumcision will shock and disgust people and remind them of the leeches and “humors” of medieval medical practice.
—Go snip yourself
Hey, Woody!
How DARE you tell anybody it’s okay to get their skin clipped?!! They’re going to hate it in the future, man! You have no business giving that kind of advice.
—Boilin’ mad
Dear Foreskin Fetishists:
Looks like I hit an uncircumcised nerve with my latest advice. You guys were too busy grabbing your pitchforks and looking for my address to notice the letter-writer’s dilemma: His foreskin was so long it covered his head completely even when he was hard. How’d you like to fuck with the head of your dick covered with a protective layer of skin?
Hmmm. Actually, that sounds suspiciously like wearing a rubber. So imagine wearing two rubbers before entering the highway. Talk about giving your dick a flat tire….
So, my advice to Snip and Tuck stands—with one qualifier: Visit a urologist and ask about plastic surgery techniques that could shorten but not eliminate the foreskin. It may be possible but Snip needs to be examined first. If it can be done, I say go for it. I’m for anything that’ll maximize pleasure.
Hey, Woody!
Is it true that black men make our hammers look like nails? People are always talking about it like it were fact.
—Wondering and slobbering
Dear Wondering:
In my personal experience, the answer is no, black men don’t have bigger dicks than white men or Latinos, etc. But anecdote, schmanecdote, I checked the literature, and lo and behold if it didn’t confirm my experience. I quote from a penis size study published in Contemporary Urology (I call it “Today’s Dick”): “Variations in penile size between races have not been documented in any peer-reviewed literature.”
Hey, Woody!
After I ejaculate, I feel this kind of ache deep in my genitals. It goes away after a few minutes, but I’m worried that something awful’s going on. Please tell me it’s a sign my dick is gonna grow another three inches. Seriously, should I be worried?
—Pain après pleasure
Dear Pain:
Better to put up with achy balls than chatty post-coital tricks. At least your pain has the good sense to go away