Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon:not So Straight Answers From America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Colum. Michael AlvearЧитать онлайн книгу.
don’t think I can do “cock rings” … I think they look silly and the idea seems kind of unhealthy.
—Too soft to boff
Dear Softie:
First, you need to know that a lot of men experience what you’re going through. You ain’t the first witch to yell “Help me, I’m melting.”
Don’t run from cock rings till you try them. There’s absolutely nothing unhealthy about it. They come in three of my favorite flavors—rubber, leather and metal. Cock rings fasten around the base of the penis and testicles to keep the pillar from peeling. It works by trapping the blood in the penis. Go for the adjustable straps, that way you can adjust to your size. The metal rings can be hard to pull off, so don’t get them unless you want to stand in the middle of the emergency room trying to explain why you can’t get rid of your hard-on.
There is also a multi-ringed toy called the Gates of Hell, but something tells me you’re not ready for it.
If you’re dead set against the ring, I have three suggestions:
1. Relax, nobody performs well under self-induced pressure. It’s okay not to fuck every time you’re with him. Do everything but that, the next few times you see him.
2. Introduce him to a boy toy, like Peter the Penetrator. A dildo, or artificial penis, is usually made of stiff flesh-colored latex and runs about 6 to 9 inches in total length. Pant, pant. They also make them smaller, for beginners. I can’t think of a better way of loosening him up.
3. Viagra. But I have to qualify this because there’s a danger you’ll end up using Viagra as a crotch-crutch. I think you should use it a two or three times as a way to reverse the mental spiral you’re in about not getting it up. Once you’ve gained your confidence (and he a wider stretch), stop taking the Viagra and swim without the water wings. But talk to the doc first. About 10 percent of men taking Viagra report side effects like headaches, dizziness, facial flushing, indigestion, and visual disturbance. You know, like when you listen to Jerry Falwell. Do not use Viagra with nitrate medications, and forget the entire recommendation if you have even the hint of a heart condition.
Hey, Woody!
I’m 38 and I jerk off every day without fail. Sometimes twice a day. Is this normal for my age? Also, will jerking off that much increase my chances of getting prostate cancer since I’m over-using the gland?
—Worried I’ll break something
Dear Worried:
Once a day for your age is higher than average but within the normal range. Better to use it too much than not enough. “Use it or lose it” isn’t just an excuse for your hands to migrate south, it’s the official tested and studied conclusion of sex experts. The less you use your sexual plumbing, the more problems you’re going to have pumping the well later on.
As far as too much ejaculation causing prostate cancer, that sounds like something a catholic priest would say. What is true is that the prostate is a little temperamental about how much ejaculatory fluid to produce. Any dramatic increase or decrease in the frequency of ejaculation irritates it, which sometimes leads to prostatitis, or inflammation of the prostate. Like any factory, it likes a schedule.
Hey, Woody!
Why do I have this line all the way down my penis and over my testicles?
—Linear man
Dear Linear:
It means if you don’t keep your hands where they belong your dick is going to crack open in half like a coconut. Well, that’s what my priest told me when I was twelve, anyway.
Actually, it’s like a “seam” on the underside of the penis. It forms when the fetus is in the uterus. In women, the seam becomes the inner lips of their vagina. In men, the seam encloses the urethra along the length of the penis.
Hey, Woody!
My scrotum seems to ride high against my body, hardly ever lowering like most guys. Should I worry?
—Worried about my boys
Dear Worried:
The scrotum is the sack that holds the testicles. It has a muscle affected by temperature. When it’s warm, the muscle pulls out a lawn chair and starts sunning itself, making the scrotum and testicles hang lower. Cold makes it fold the lawn chair up and bring the boys in for some hot chocolate. There is a condition that prevents testicles from descending into the scrotum.
Check it out by feeling your testicles (with your own hands, thank you) inside your scrotum. There’s a reason we call them nuts—they should feel like peanuts in their shells. If you can’t feel them or you’re confused, get an appointment with a urologist and ask him if you’re nuts. Or whether you have any in your scrotum.
Hey, Woody!
You’ve talked about the length and girth of our prized puppies but you’ve never talked about the angle of the dangle. I’ve slept with guys who hard up in all kinds of angles—some like a rocket, some like a boomerang and others like the Tower of Pisa. Is there an average angle?
—Working all the angles
Dear Angler:
According to the experts the best way to measure the trajectory of your hard-on (mine’s always aiming “mouthward”), is to stand with your back against the wall. Then get yourself hard. Better yet, get somebody else to get you hard. If the head of your dick points directly in front of you, you’ve hardened at 90 degrees. 180 degrees means the head of your dick points to the ceiling. The average? 106 degrees.
Hey, Woody!
I keep hearing about exercising your “penis muscles.” Hell, I thought I was doing that every time I entered my partner. What am I missing?
—Too busy playing to exercise
Dear Busy:
Just as every team exercises before playing the game, every member should exercise before playing the field. If you really want to get good at sex you have to master the domain between your legs.
Strictly speaking, your penis isn’t a muscle, so you can’t exercise it. You can take it for a swim in the tunnel of love or make it do push-ups and pull-ups with your hands, but it’s not the same thing. It’s the muscles around your penis that need exercising. Namely, the pubococcygeal—“PC”—muscles, which are located in the lower pelvis and form a horizontal sling between your legs.
Did someone say “sling"? Yes, but not the kind that makes you scream “Mount me, Hercules, I am your mare!” This sling is filled with muscles crucial to putting the flex back in sex. Experts agree that regularly exercising your PC muscles (also called Kegels) can increase the strength of your erection, give you more control of your ejaculations, and deliver more powerful orgasms. Daily exercising gives you more contractions when you ejaculate. And who doesn’t want that?
Finding your PC muscles is easy. Next time you’re taking a piss, start and stop the flow of urine. The muscles you use to stop pissing are your PC muscles.
The basic exercises are the “Flutter” (tighten and let go quickly) and the “Pinch and Hold” (tighten and don’t let go till you count to 15). You need to work up to a couple of hundred reps a day for a few weeks before you notice the effects.
To get the best of your Kegel exercises, don’t do them all while sitting or standing. Try Kegeling while lying on your back or side, or while squatting. Different positions help give your PC muscles better tone. Try doing “Kegels” when you’re hard, too. Squeezing the PC muscles after you’ve pitched your