Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon:not So Straight Answers From America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Colum. Michael AlvearЧитать онлайн книгу.
“use it or lose it”). Wouldn’t it be great if you could work out the urethra and the prostate at the gym? Imagine the lines at the machines. Or asking somebody for a spot.
The muscles at the base of the penis (pubococcygeous muscles, otherwise known as the PC muscles) can be strengthened through Kegel exercises. How do you figure out where the muscles are? Well, you know when you’re peeing on your partner and he changes his mind and orders you to stop and you shut yourself off mid-stream? Those are the muscles.
Just contract and relax them in a series of sets. Hold them tight for 10 seconds and let them go. Vary them by doing “butterflies” (contracting and relaxing as fast as you can). Work up to hundreds of these a day. After a few months, you should notice stronger, more powerful orgasms and ejaculations. Yes, you read right, I said after a few MONTHS.
If it’s any consolation, most of the porn personnel (sorry, I can’t bring myself to call them “stars”) can’t shoot very far either. To get the money shot they want, directors will often use synthetic semen which is shot-squeezed from a small tube. The preferred substance is condensed milk.
I want to see Jeff Stryker, milk-mustached, hawking dairy products in magazines with a headline asking “Shot Milk?” Talk about new uses for an old product.
Hey, Woody!
A straight friend started poking his girlfriend right after a vasectomy. I told him he should wait cuz he could still get her pregnant. He said “Shut-up, you’re gay, what do you know?”
I said let’s bet and if I’m wrong, you blow me. Please tell me I’m right.
—Waiting to collect
Dear Waiting:
Drop your drawers and buy him some kneepads. A vasectomy cuts or blocks the vas deferens, the tube that carries sperm away from the testicles (and adds it to the liquid components of semen). But sperm already in the pipeline can still cause pregnancy. The ideal is to wait for 30 days or about ten ejaculations to flush out remaining sperm.
Even then, I wouldn’t recommend poking his girlfriend without first going back to the doctor with a sample of ejaculatory fluid for a sperm count test. Until he knows for sure he’s shooting blanks, he needs to use birth control.
About 500,000 vasectomies are performed annually. It’s an outpatient procedure that takes 15 to 20 minutes. About the time it’ll take him to give you a long, slobbery blow job.
Hey, Woody!
How do you check yourself for testicular cancer?
—Going nuts with fear
Dear Nuts:
Checking your balls should be a monthly routine. First, take a warm bath or shower to relax the scrotum and have it descend to its lowest level. Then roll each testicle between your fingers and press gently. It should be smooth and oval-shaped, like a hard-boiled egg.
You’re looking for lumps or hard areas that don’t seem to belong in the neighborhood. Interestingly, tumors are more likely to be found in the right testicle than the left. I swear, whether it’s tumors or arrogance, the right always has more than the left.
Warning: Tangent approaching. If your boyfriend tries to cut your balls off for cheating and he only slices one of them on account of you’re fast and easy and that’s what got you into trouble in the first place, the good news is that one testicle is plenty to produce enough testosterone to get it up and cheat again. It doesn’t take much for the nectar of the gods to do its job. Of course, your tricks might gross out. In that case, you can have a synthetic testicle inserted, much like the way artificial breasts are inserted into half the women in Hollywood.
Testicular cancer is the most common form of cancer for guys up to age 35. It’s highly curable if, IF, you detect it early. If you’re lump-free, celebrate and jerk yourself off. Hell, you’re already down there, why waste the trip?
Hey, Woody!
When my partner was fucking me really hard his dick slipped out right before he was going to ram me. He ended up jamming it into my perineum instead. He screamed in pain and we haven’t fucked since. He’s blaming it on me, saying he’s afraid I might “break his penis.” How do I get back what I gotta have?
—Dick breaker
Dear Dick:
A penis can’t “break” in the normal sense of the word because there is no bone in it. Well, at least the ones I’ve tried to break haven’t.
What can break is one of the three tubes that hold the blood of an erection. But if this happened your partner would have acted like he read this column—he would have heard a popping sound and then he would’ve doubled over in pain. And when he looked up his dick would be severely bruised.
Your problem sounds more like a trust issue than a medical one. Talk to him about it and be everything I’m not: kind, patient, and sensitive. Have gentle oral and manual sex and work your way up to the slash-and-burn fucking.
Hey, Woody!
I can just look at a hot guy and—oh, dear—there go the buttons on my jeans. It’s, totally involuntarily, like magic. But I know there’s a science to it, too. What exactly happens “down there” when I get the Man-hots?
—Just curious
Dear Just:
Well, you’re right, it’s not magic. Your manhood doesn’t throb because elves spray trixie-dust on it. It throbs because the blood in your body decided it was time to play “pack the sausage.”
The penis has a head and body (glans and shaft). And for once in male life, the head has more say than the body. That’s because the head, or glans, has a higher concentration of nerve endings than the shaft.
The entire penis has a lot of nerve endings that make it sensitive to touch, pressure, and temperature. The glans has a coronal ridge separating it from the shaft (the outer edge of the “helmet”).
On the underside of the penis (the side your trick sees when he kneels in front of you) there’s a small triangular region where a thin strip of skin called the frenulum attaches to the glans. Both the coronal ridge and the frenulum are highly sensitive. Slurp there and he’s yours for the night.
The shaft of the penis is made up of three cylinders of soft, spongy tissue, which contain a lot of small blood vessels. What you think of as Man-Meat Magic is actually the blood vessels of the spongy tissues filling with blood and swelling up. That’s the science. The art is finding a port that will dock your swollen ship and let you unload the precious cargo.
The transition from a soft (flaccid) penis to a harder, stiffer penis is called getting an erection. In my house it’s simply known as “Dinner.”
Hey, Woody!
Latex is a pillar-killer. I generally have no problem catching and holding a lumber-yard worth of wood, but when I put on a condom, the loss of sensation and something psychological about it, brings me down to about 3 out of 5 stars on the bone-meter.
This is usually not a big deal since most guys, once I’ve gotten them nice and relaxed, can easily accommodate me. Once I get going, we’re right back on terra-firma regardless of the rubber.
But recently I’ve been seeing this gorgeous guy who’s just … well … really tight, no matter how relaxed he is. This would be a blessing if we could get going with the horizontal hula, but my rubber-covered “semi” just ain’t stiff enough to part the curtains, and losing the latex ain’t an option.
We’ve tried