Men Are Pigs, But We Love Bacon:not So Straight Answers From America's Most Outrageous Gay Sex Colum. Michael AlvearЧитать онлайн книгу.
go for the bonus round by placing your partner’s mouth an inch away. Now that’s what I call home fitness training.
Of course, my favorite Kegel exercise is what I call “Lift and Separate.” Enter your partner, flex, and watch him separate. Your partner can do it, too. It’ll feel like your penis is getting massaged. Sticking to an exercise regimen will help you stick it to your partner but good. Now hit the floor and give me a hundred Kegels.
Hey, Woody!
I’ve been thinking of getting a penile augmentation procedure to give me a bigger cock. Only thing is, it scares me to go under the knife. What if they cut the wrong thing? Still, I feel as if making myself bigger is the only way to compete with all the pretty boys. Should I do it?
—Uncut
Dear Uncut:
When are we gay men going to learn that what’s between our ears has more to do with sexual satisfaction than what’s between our legs? We’re like Republicans who make a living flogging the welfare system even though it represents maybe 3 percent of the gross national product. Penis size represents even less than that of our gross sexual pleasure but that’s the only thing we pay attention to.
That’s not to say that big cocks aren’t a turn-on; they are. But so what if you’re not big? The hottest sex rarely involves size. It’s about how someone touches you, looks at you, feels to you; it’s how they woo you, how they shtuup you, how they kiss you; how they move in bed, how they move on you; how they move the earth. If you think having a bigger dick gives you a better sex life, forget it. Research shows no difference in reported sexual satisfaction between men who have sockeye salmons swimming against the current of their jeans and men who have tadpoles lapping up their boxers. According to men with big dicks, men with big dicks are no more sexually satisfied than men with small or medium-sized dicks.
The emphasis on size in the gay community is overwhelming. It’s like a run-a-away eighteen-wheeler careening down an icy hill. It slams everything off the road, especially the people who try to slow it down. We insist that “bigger is better” and snidely brush off the possibility that cock size isn’t important.
There is profound misery in the gay community about “measuring up.” And the irony is that some of the bigger specimens among us are the loudest complainers. “During routine physicals I’ve seen some of the biggest penises in captivity,” one of my medical advisors told me. “And it’s pitiful because these guys are convinced they’re small.”
What’s even more pitiful is what urologists say: Most of the men seeking penile augmentation have normal-sized dicks. Urologists also report that many men don’t care about their erections getting bigger, they just want to attract more attention in the locker room (there’s actually a procedure for making your flaccid penis bigger without impacting the size of your erect penis).
So do I think penile augmentation is desirable for you? Yes, if you’re one of the 2.5 percent of the male population who has a “micro penis” (believe it or not, that’s the clinical term). But even then, urologists report you’ll actually have less sensation than you do now. And it’s not uncommon for a tectonic shift—having the additional fat and skin slide over to one side. Hmmm, that’s attractive.
As for the other 97.5 percent of the population I have a different piece of advice: Get your head out of your ass. There are better things to put up there.
Hey, Woody!
I notice my penis has a prominent vein that I haven’t noticed on other guys. Is this something I should worry about?
—Striped and worried
Dear Striped:
Visible veins on the penis aren’t unusual. The valves in your testicles may be hiccupping involuntarily. Try scaring them by getting a stud to sneak up behind you and grab them while he yells “Gotcha!” If that doesn’t work, send him to my house and quit being so selfish.
Either way, you don’t have much to worry about. Prominent veins rarely interfere with hot sex. They’re just abnormally dilated. If the valves in the veins are defective, blood can pool, distending the vessel walls. The condition is pretty harmless. For most, it’s a cosmetic annoyance. If it really bothers you, your doctor can remove it.
Hey, Woody!
Is it true that a man’s erect penis size can be predicted by dividing his shoe size in half?
—Just wondering
Dear Wondering:
No, but you can predict my average letter-writer’s IQ by locating the page number this column appears and dividing it in half.
What, are you kidding me with that shit? There is no research validating any correlation between penis size and Fill In The Blank. Bigger hands? Bigger gloves. Bigger noses? Bigger boogers. Now go home and come up with an interesting question.
Hey, Woody!
My salmon is sagging. It used to point toward the ceiling when it got hard, now it droops at a ninety-degree angle. Is this normal as you grow older or should I be worried?
—Party-drooper
Dear Party-drooper:
Getting older sucks. Women get sagging tits, men get droopy dicks, and drag queens get tapes that skip.
Here’s why dicks hit bricks: As you age less blood rushes into the penis because the arteries narrow. Then the suspending ligaments decide to loosen up. Both work together to lower the angle of your dangle.
There are a couple of things you can do to help Willie reach for the sky: First, lose weight. Excess fat along the stomach and base of the penis interferes with the upward angle. Second, squeeze the muscles that angle the penis upward (the muscles that stop urination). Do it hundreds of times a day.
Yes, you heard me, HUNDREDS of times a day. Do I stutter? Third, get hotter guys. Or better porn. An 80-year-old can have the angle of an 18 year-old if he’s stimulated enough.
Hey, Woody!
Is there anything I can do to make my dick bigger? I’m in my early thirties. Will it grow bigger as I get older?
—Here’s hoping
Dear Hoping:
For the bazillionth time, there is nothing you can do to make your penis bigger. Well, other than sleeping with my boyfriend. He ALWAYS makes my penis bigger.
But I digress. The penis stops growing by the time you reach your early 20s. Sorry, you’re S.O.L., pal. Like the rest of us.
The good news is that having a bigger dick wouldn’t make you more sexually satisfied anyway. Studies show that guys with above-average-sized dicks don’t score any higher in sexual satisfaction than guys with average-sized dicks. Of course, they probably score more, period. But that’s a study of a different size.
Hey, Woody!
I’ve had a bent penis most of my life. I don’t know if it’s my imagination, but it seems like it’s got its left turn blinker on more and more these days. I don’t have any discomfort during sex, but I don’t like the way it looks or where it’s heading. How can I “straighten” myself out?
—Curvy
Dear Curvy:
You may have Peyronie’s disease. It’s a condition that causes plaque buildup alongside the erectile tissue. Flossing won’t help—this is a different kind of plaque.
As it hardens the plaque makes you less flexible